POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LAETITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS TO THE BISHOPS TO THE PRIESTS AND DEACONS TO THE CONSECRATED PEOPLE TO THE CHRISTIAN HUSBANDS AND TO ALL THE LAY FAITHFUL ON LOVE IN THE FAMILY
29
Sep
1. The joy of love that is experienced in families is also the joy of the Church. As the Synod Fathers have indicated, despite the numerous signs of crisis in marriage, «the desire for family remains alive, especially among young people, and this motivates the Church»[1]. In response to this desire «the Christian announcement regarding the family is truly good news»[2]. 2. The synodal path made it possible to put on the table the situation of families in today’s world, broaden our vision and revive our awareness about the importance of marriage and family. At the same time, the complexity of the issues raised showed us the need to continue freely delving into some doctrinal, moral, spiritual and pastoral issues. The reflection of pastors and theologians, if faithful to the Church, honest, realistic and creative, will help us find greater clarity. The debates that occur in the media or in publications, and even among ministers of the Church, range from an unbridled desire to change everything without sufficient reflection or foundation, to the attitude of trying to solve everything by applying general regulations or deriving excessive conclusions from some theological reflections. 3. Remembering that time is superior to space, I want to reaffirm that not all doctrinal, moral or pastoral discussions must be resolved with magisterial interventions. Naturally, in the Church a unity of doctrine and praxis, but this does not prevent the existence of different ways of interpreting some aspects of the doctrine or some consequences that derive from it. This will happen until the Spirit leads us to the complete truth (cf. Jn 16:13), that is, when he introduces us perfectly into the mystery of Christ and we can see everything with his gaze. Furthermore, in each country or region, more inculturated solutions can be sought, attentive to local traditions and challenges, because «cultures are very different from each other and every general principle […] needs to be inculturated if it is to be observed and applied»[3]. 4. In any case, I must say that the synodal path has contained great beauty and has provided much light. I appreciate so many contributions that have helped me contemplate the problems of families around the world in all their breadth. The set of interventions of the Fathers, which I listened to with constant attention, seemed to me to be a beautiful polyhedron, made up of many legitimate concerns and honest and sincere questions. For this reason, I considered it appropriate to write a Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation that collects the contributions of the two recent Synods on the family, adding other considerations that can guide reflection, dialogue or pastoral praxis and, at the same time, offer encouragement, stimulation and help to families in their dedication and in their difficulties. 5. This Exhortation takes on a special meaning in the context of this Year Jubilee of Mercy. Firstly, because I understand it as a proposal for Christian families, which encourages them to value the gifts of marriage and family, and to sustain a strong love full of values such as generosity, commitment, fidelity or patience. Secondly, because it seeks to encourage everyone to be signs of mercy and closeness where family life is not carried out perfectly or does not develop with peace and joy. 6. In the development of the text, I will begin with an opening inspired by the Holy Scriptures, which provides an appropriate tone. From there, I will consider the families’ current situation in order to keep our feet on the ground. Then I will remember some elementary issues of the Church’s teaching on marriage and family, to give rise to the two central chapters, dedicated to love. Below I will highlight some pastoral paths that guide us to build solid and fruitful homes according to God’s plan, and I will dedicate a chapter to the education of children. Then I will stop at an invitation to mercy and pastoral discernment in situations that do not fully respond to what the Lord proposes to us, and finally I will present brief lines of family spirituality. 7. Due to the richness of the two years of reflection that the synodal path provided, this Exhortation addresses, with different styles, many and varied topics. That explains its inevitable extension. That is why I do not recommend a hasty general reading. It can be better used, both by families and by family pastoral agents, if they patiently deepen it part by part or if they look for in it what they may need in each specific circumstance. It is likely, for example, that married couples identify more with the fourth and fifth chapters, that pastoral workers have a special interest in the sixth chapter, and that everyone is greatly challenged by the eighth chapter. I hope that each one, through reading, feels called to care with love for the lives of families, because they «are not a problem, they are mainly an opportunity»[4]. Chapter one IN THE LIGHT OF THE WORD 8. The Bible is populated with families, generations, love stories and family crises, from the first page, where the family of Adam and Eve enters the scene with its weight of violence but also with the force of life that continues (cf. Gen 4), to the last page where the wedding of the Bride and the Lamb appears (cf. Rev 21,2.9). The two houses that Jesus describes, built on rock or on sand (cf. Mt 7:24-27), are a symbolic expression of so many family situations, created by the freedoms of its members, because, as the poet wrote, «every house is a candlestick»[5]. Let us now enter one of those houses, guided by the Psalmist, through a song that is still proclaimed today both in the Jewish wedding liturgy and in the Christian: «Blessed is he who fears the Lord, and follows his ways! You will eat from the work of your hands, you will be happy, it will be well with you. Your wife, like a fruitful vine, in the middle of your house; your children like olive shoots, around your table. This is the blessing of the man who fears the Lord. May the Lord bless you from Zion, may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem, all the days of your life; May you see your children’s children. Peace to Israel! (Ps 128,1-6). You and your wife 9. Let us then cross the threshold of this serene house, with its family sitting around the festive table. In the center we find the father and mother couple with their entire love story. In them is realized that primordial plan that Christ himself evokes with intensity: «Have you not read that the Creator in the beginning created them male and female?» (Mt 19,4). And the mandate of Genesis is taken up again: «For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and will be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh» (2:24). 10. The two great first chapters of Genesis offer us the representation of the human couple in its fundamental reality. In that initial text of the Bible some decisive statements shine. The first, cited briefly by Jesus, declares: «God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them» (1:27). Surprisingly, the «image of God» has as its explanatory parallel precisely the couple «man and woman.» Does this mean that God himself is sexual or that with There is a divine companion to him, as some ancient religions believed? Obviously not, because we know how clearly the Bible rejected as idolatrous these beliefs widespread among the Canaanites of the Holy Land. The transcendence of God is preserved, but, since he is at the same time the Creator, the fertility of the human couple is a living and effective «image», a visible sign of the creative act. 11. The couple that loves and generates life is the true living «sculpture»—not that of stone or gold that the Decalogue prohibits—capable of manifesting the creator and savior God. That is why fruitful love becomes the symbol of the intimate realities of God (cf. Gen 1:28; 9:7; 17:2-5.16; 28:3; 35:11; 48:3-4). This is why the Genesis narrative, following the so-called «priestly tradition», is crossed by several genealogical sequences (cf. 4,17-22.25-26; 5; 10; 11,10-32; 25,1-4.12-17.19-26; 36), because the generating capacity of the human couple is the path by which the history of the salvation. In this light, the couple’s fruitful relationship becomes an image to discover and describe the mystery of God, fundamental in the Christian vision of the Trinity that contemplates in God the Father, the Son and the Spirit of love. The Trinity God is a communion of love, and the family is his living reflection. We are enlightened by the words of Saint John Paul II: «Our God, in his most intimate mystery, is not a solitude, but a family, since he carries within himself paternity, filiation and the essence of the family which is love. This love, in the divine family, is the Holy Spirit»[6]. The family is therefore not something foreign to the same divine essence[7]. This Trinitarian aspect of the couple has a new representation in Pauline theology when the Apostle relates it to the «mystery» of the union between Christ and the Church (cf. Eph 5:21-33). 12. But Jesus, in his reflection on marriage, refers us to another page of Genesis, chapter 2, where an admirable portrait of the couple appears with luminous details. Let’s choose just two. The first is the restlessness of the man who seeks «reciprocal help» (vv. 18.20), capable of resolving that loneliness that disturbs him and that is not appeased by the closeness of animals and everything created. The original Hebrew expression refers us to a direct, almost «frontal» relationship—eyes in eyes—in a dialogue that is also tacit, because in love the silences are usually more eloquent than the words. It is the encounter with a face, with a «you» that reflects divine love and is «the beginning of fortune, a help similar to it and a pillar of support» (Si 36,24), as a biblical wise man says. Or, as the woman in the Song of Songs will exclaim in a wonderful profession of love and donation in reciprocity: «My beloved is mine and I am his […] I am for my beloved and my beloved is for me» (2:16; 6:3). 13. From this encounter, which heals loneliness, the generation and the family emerge. This is the second detail that we can highlight: Adam, who is also the man of all times and of all regions of our planet, together with his wife, gives rise to a new family, as Jesus repeats quoting Genesis: «He will be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh» (Mt 19,5; cf. Gen 2,24). The verb «unite» in the original Hebrew indicates a close harmony, a physical and interior adhesion, to the point that it is used to describe union with God: «My soul is united to you» (Ps 63:9), the praying person sings. The marital union is thus evoked not only in its sexual and corporeal dimension but also in its voluntary donation of love. The fruit of this union is «being one flesh», whether in the physical embrace, or in the union of hearts and lives and, perhaps, in the child that will be born of the two, which will carry within itself, uniting them not only genetically but also spiritually, the two «fleshes». Your children are like olive shoots 14. Let us return to the song of the Psalmist. There they appear, inside the house where the man and his wife are sitting at the table, the children who accompany them «like olive shoots» (Ps 128:3), that is, full of energy and vitality. If the parents are like the foundations of the house, the children are like the «living stones» of the family (cf. 1 Pet 2,5). It is significant that in the Old Testament the word that appears most times after the divine (yhwh, the «Lord») is «son» (ben), a word that refers to the Hebrew verb that means «to build.» (banah). For this reason, in Psalm 127 the gift of children is exalted with images that refer both to the building of a house, and to the social and commercial life that took place at the city gate: «If the Lord does not build the house, the masons tire in vain; The inheritance that the Lord gives is children; their wages are the fruit of the womb: the sons of youth are arrows in the hand of a warrior; Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them: he will not be defeated when he litigates with his adversary in the square» (vv. 1.3-5). It is true that these images reflect the culture of an ancient society, but the presence of children is in any case a sign of the plenitude of the family in the continuity of the same history of salvation, from generation to generation. 15. In this light we can gather another dimension of the family. We know that the New Testament speaks of “the church that meets in the house” (cf. 1 Cor 16:19; Rom 16:5; Col 4:15; Phm 2). The living space of a family could be transformed into a domestic church, the seat of the Eucharist, of the presence of Christ sitting at the same table. The scene painted in the Apocalypse is unforgettable: «I stand at the door knocking: if anyone hears and opens it to me, I will come in and we will eat together» (3:20). This is how a house is outlined that carries within it the presence of God, common prayer and, therefore, the blessing of the Lord. This is what is stated in Psalm 128, which we take as a basis: «May the Lord bless you from Zion» (v. 5). 16. The Bible also considers the family as the seat of children’s catechism. This shines through in the description of the paschal celebration (cf. Ex 12:26-27; Dt 6:20-25), and was later made explicit in the Jewish haggadah, that is, in the dialogic narrative that accompanies the rite of the paschal meal. Furthermore, a Psalm exalts the family announcement of faith: «What we heard and learned, what our fathers told us, we will not hide from their children, we will tell to the future generation: the praises of the Lord, his power, the wonders he did. For he established a rule for Jacob, he gave a law to Israel: he commanded our fathers to teach it to their children, so that the next generation would know it, and the children who would be born afterward. Let them arise and tell their children about it” (Ps 78:3-6). Therefore, the family is the place where parents become the first teachers of the faith for their children. It is an artisanal task, from person to person: «When tomorrow your son asks you […] you will answer him…» (Ex 13,14). Thus, the different generations will sing their song to the Lord, «the young men and also the maidens, the old along with the children» (Ps 148:12). 17. Parents have the duty to seriously fulfill their educational mission, as the biblical sages often teach (cf. Pr 3:11-12; 6:20-22; 13:1; 29:17). Children are called to accept and practice the commandment: «Honor your father and mother» (Ex 20:12), where the verb «honor» indicates the fulfillment of family and social commitments in their fullness, without neglecting them with religious excuses (cf. Mc 7:11-13). Indeed, «he who honors his father atones for his sins, he who respects his mother accumulates treasures» (Si 3,3-4). 18. The Gospel also reminds us that children are not family property, but rather have their own path of life ahead of them. If it is true that Jesus presents himself as a model of obedience to his earthly parents, submitting to them (cf. Lk 2:51), it is also true that he shows that the son’s choice of life and his own Christian vocation can require a separation to fulfill his own dedication to the Kingdom of God (cf. Mt 10:34-37; Lk 9:59-62). Furthermore, at the age of twelve he himself responds to Mary and Joseph that he has another, higher mission to fulfill beyond his historical family (cf. Luke 2:48-50). That is why he exalts the need for other ties, also very deep within family relationships: «These are my mother and my brothers: those who hear the Word of God and put it into practice» (Lk 8:21). On the other hand, in the attention he pays to children – considered in the society of the ancient Near East as subjects without particular rights and even as objects of family possession – Jesus goes so far as to present them to adults almost as teachers, due to their simple and spontaneous trust in others: «Truly I say to you, unless you convert and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. By Therefore, whoever becomes small like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:3-4). A path of suffering and blood 19. The idyll expressed in Psalm 128 does not deny a bitter reality that marks all the Holy Scriptures. It is the presence of pain, evil, and violence that break the life of the family and its intimate communion of life and love. There is a reason why Christ’s speech on marriage (cf. Mt 19:3-9) is inserted into a dispute about divorce. The Word of God is a constant testimony of this dark dimension that opens already in the beginning when, with sin, the relationship of love and purity between man and woman is transformed into dominance: «You will long for your husband, and he will dominate you» (Gn 3:16). 20. It is a path of suffering and blood that runs through many pages of the Bible, starting with Cain’s fratricidal violence against Abel and the various disputes between the children and wives of the patriarchs Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, then reaching the tragedies that fill David’s family with blood, to the multiple family difficulties that flow through the narrative of Tobias or the bitter confession of the abandoned Job: «He has alienated my relatives from me, my acquaintances consider me a stranger […] Until My life disgusts my wife, I disgust my own brothers” (Jb 19,13.17). 21. Jesus himself is born into a modest family that must soon flee to a foreign land. He enters Peter’s house where her mother-in-law is sick (Mk 1,30-31), she allows herself to be involved in the drama of death in the house of Jairus or in the home of Lazarus (cf. Mk 5,22-24,35-43); He hears the desperate cry of the widow of Nain before her dead son (cf. Lk 7:11-15), he hears the cry of the father of the epileptic in a small town in the countryside (cf. Mt 9:9-13; Lk 19:1-10. He finds publicans like Matthew or Zacchaeus in their own homes, and also sinners, like the woman who breaks into the Pharisee’s house (cf. Lk 7,36-50). He knows the anxieties and tensions of families by incorporating them into his parables: from children who leave home to try some adventure (cf. Lk 15,11-32) to difficult children with inexplicable behavior (cf. Mt 21,28-31) or victims of violence (cf. Mk 12,1-9). the absence of wine (cf. Jn 2,1-10) or due to lack of attendance of the guests (cf. Mt 22,1-10), just as he knows the nightmare of the loss of a coin in a poor family (cf. Lk 15,8-10). In this brief journey we can see that the Word of God is not shown as a sequence of abstract theses, but as a traveling companion also for families that are in crisis or in the midst of some pain, and shows them to them. the goal of the journey, when God «will wipe away the tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, nor mourning, nor crying, nor pain» (Rev 21:4). presented as a worker, who with the work of his hands can sustain the physical well-being and serenity of his family: «You will eat from the work of your hands, you will be happy, it will be well with you» (v. 2). That work is a fundamental part of the dignity of human life is deduced from the first pages of the Bible, when it is declared that «God took man and placed him in the garden of Eden, to keep it and cultivate it» (Gen 2:15). It is the representation of the worker who transforms matter and takes advantage of the energies of the created, giving birth to the «bread of your sweat» (Ps 127,2), in addition to cultivating himself. 24. Work makes possible at the same time the development of society, the support of the family and also its stability and fertility: «May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life; that you may see your children’s children» (Ps 128,5-6). In the book of Proverbs the task of the mother of the family is also present, whose work is described in all its daily particularities, attracting the praise of her husband and children (cf. 31:10-31). The Apostle Paul himself was proud of having lived without being a burden to others, because he worked with his hands and thus secured his livelihood (cf. Acts 18:3; 1 Cor 4:12; 9:12). He was so convinced of the need for work that he established a strict rule for his communities: «If anyone does not want to work, let him not eat» (2 Thes 3:10; cf. 1 Thes 4:11). 25. That being said, understands that unemployment and job insecurity transform into suffering, as noted in the little book of Ruth and as Jesus remembers in the parable of the workers sitting, in forced leisure, in the town square (cf. Mt 20:1-16), or how he experiences it in the very fact of being often surrounded by the needy and hungry. This is what society is tragically experiencing in many countries, and this absence of sources of work affects the serenity of families in different ways. 26. Nor can we forget the degeneration that sin introduces into society when human beings behave as tyrants before nature, devastating it, using it in a selfish and even brutal way. The consequences are at the same time the desertification of the soil (cf. Gen 3:17-19) and the economic and social imbalances, against which the voice of the prophets is clearly raised, from Elijah (cf. 1 Kings 21) to the words that Jesus himself pronounces against injustice (cf. Luke 12:13-21; 16:1-31). The tenderness of the embrace 27. Christ has introduced as an emblem of his disciples above all the law of love and the gift of self to others (cf. Mt 22:39; Jn 13:34), and he did so through a principle that a father or a mother usually testifies in their own existence: «No one has greater love than that which lays down one’s life for one’s friends» (Jn 15:13). Mercy and forgiveness are also the fruit of love. In this line, the scene that It shows an adulteress on the esplanade of the temple in Jerusalem, surrounded by her accusers, and then alone with Jesus who does not condemn her and invites her to a more dignified life (cf. Jn 8:1-11). 28. In the horizon of love, central to the Christian experience of marriage and family, another virtue also stands out, somewhat ignored in these times of frenetic and superficial relationships: tenderness. Let us turn to the sweet and intense Psalm 131. As also noted in other texts (cf. Ex 4:22; Is 49:15; Ps 27:10), the union between the faithful and their Lord is expressed with traits of paternal or maternal love. Here appears the delicate and tender intimacy that exists between the mother and her child, a newborn who sleeps in his mother’s arms after having been breastfed. It is – as the Hebrew word gamul expresses it – a child already weaned, who consciously clings to the mother who carries him on her breast. It is then a conscious intimacy and not merely biological. That is why the psalmist sings: «I have my interior in peace and silence, like a weaned child in its mother’s lap» (Ps 131,2). In parallel, we can go to another scene, where the prophet Hosea places these moving words in the mouth of God as a father: «When Israel was young, I loved him […] I taught Ephraim to walk, I lifted him up in my arms […] With human ropes, with straps of love I attracted him; I was for them like someone who lifts a child against his cheek, I bowed down and fed him» (11,1.3-4). 29. With With this view, made of faith and love, of grace and commitment, of the human family and the divine Trinity, we contemplate the family that the Word of God entrusts in the hands of the man, the woman and the children so that they form a communion of people that is an image of the union between the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The generative and educational activity is, in turn, a reflection of the creative work of the Father. The family is called to share daily prayer, the reading of the Word of God and Eucharistic communion to make love grow and become more and more a temple where the Spirit dwells. 30. Before each family, the icon of the family of Nazareth is presented, with its daily life made up of fatigue and even nightmares, like when it had to suffer the incomprehensible violence of Herod, an experience that is tragically repeated even today in so many families of discarded and defenseless fugitives. Like the wise men, families are invited to contemplate the Child and the Mother, to prostrate themselves and worship Him (cf. Mt 2:11). Like Mary, they are exhorted to live with courage and serenity their sad and exciting family challenges, and to guard and meditate in their hearts the wonders of God (cf. Lk 2:19.51). In the treasure of Mary’s heart are also all the events of each of our families, which she carefully preserves. That is why it can help us interpret them to recognize God’s message in family history. Second chapter REALITY AND CHALLENGES OF FAMILIES 31. The good of the family is decisive for the future of the world and the Church. There are countless analyzes that have been made about marriage and the family, about their current difficulties and challenges. It is healthy to pay attention to concrete reality, because «the demands and calls of the Holy Spirit also resonate in the very events of history», through which «the Church can be guided to a deeper understanding of the inexhaustible mystery of marriage and the family»[8]. I do not intend to present here everything that could be said about the various issues related to the family in the current context. But, given that the Synod Fathers have looked at the reality of families around the world, I consider it appropriate to collect some of their pastoral contributions, adding other concerns that come from my own perspective. Current situation of the family 32. «Faithful to the teachings of Christ, we look at the reality of the family today in all its complexity, in its lights and shadows […] The anthropological-cultural change today influences all aspects of life and requires an analytical and diversified approach»[9]. In the context of several decades ago, the Bishops of Spain already recognized a domestic reality with more spaces for freedom, «with an equitable distribution of burdens, responsibilities and tasks […] By valuing personal communication between spouses more, it contributes to humanizing the entire family coexistence […] Neither the society in which we live nor the one towards which we are moving allow the indiscriminate survival of forms and models from the past»[10]. But «we are aware of the direction that anthropological-cultural changes are taking, due to which individuals are less supported than in the past by social structures in their emotional and family life»[11]. 33. On the other hand, «we must consider the growing danger represented by an exasperated individualism that distorts family ties and ends up considering each member of the family as an island, causing the prevailing, in certain cases, the idea of a subject who is constructed according to his own desires assumed with an absolute nature»[12]. «The tensions induced by an exaggerated individualistic culture of possession and enjoyment generate dynamics of intolerance and aggressiveness within families»[13]. I would like to add the current pace of life, stress, social and work organization, because they are cultural factors that put the possibility of permanent options at risk. At the same time, we find ambiguous phenomena. For example, there is personalization that focuses on authenticity instead of reproducing prescribed behaviors. It is a value that can promote different capacities and spontaneity, but that, if misguided, can create attitudes of permanent suspicion, flight from commitments, confinement in comfort, arrogance. The freedom to choose allows one to plan one’s life and cultivate the best in oneself, but if one does not have noble objectives and personal discipline, it degenerates into an inability to give oneself generously. In fact, in many countries where the number of marriages decreases, the number of people who decide to live alone, or who live together without cohabiting, increases. We can also highlight a praiseworthy sense of justice; but, misunderstood, it turns citizens into clients who only demand services. 34. If these risks are transferred to the way of understanding the family, it can become a place of passage, to which one goes when it seems convenient for oneself, or where one goes to claim rights, while the ties are abandoned to the fickle precariousness of desires and circumstances. Deep down, today it is easy to confuse genuine freedom with the idea that each person judges as they see fit, as if beyond individuals there were no truths, values, principles to guide us, as if everything were equal and anything should be allowed. In this context, the marital ideal, with a commitment to exclusivity and stability, ends up being devastated by circumstantial conveniences or the whims of sensitivity. Loneliness is feared, a space of protection and fidelity is desired, but at the same time the fear of being trapped by a relationship that could postpone the achievement of personal aspirations grows. 35. The Christians cannot give up proposing marriage in order not to contradict current sensibilities, to be fashionable, or out of feelings of inferiority in the face of moral and human disaster. We would be depriving the world of the values that we can and should contribute. It is true that it makes no sense to stop at a rhetorical denunciation of current evils, as if with that we could change something. Nor is it useful to try to impose rules by force of authority. We can make a more responsible and generous effort, which consists of presenting the reasons and motivations for choosing marriage and family, so that people are better disposed to respond to the grace that God offers them. 36. At the same time we have to be humble and realistic, to recognize that sometimes our way of presenting Christian convictions, and the way we treat people, have helped cause what we regret today, which is why we have a healthy reaction of self-criticism. On the other hand, we often present marriage in such a way that its unitive purpose, the call to grow in love and the ideal of mutual help, was overshadowed by an almost exclusive emphasis on the duty of procreation. Nor have we provided good support for new marriages in their first years, with proposals that adapt to their schedules, their languages, and their most specific concerns. Other times, we have presented a theological ideal of marriage that is too abstract, almost artificially constructed, far from the concrete situation and the effective possibilities of real families. This excessive idealization, especially when we have not awakened confidence in grace, has not made marriage more desirable and attractive, but quite the opposite. 37. For a long time we believed that by simply insisting on doctrinal, bioethical and moral issues, without motivating openness to grace, we were sufficiently supporting families, consolidating the bond of spouses and filling their shared lives with meaning. We have difficulty presenting marriage more as a dynamic path of development and fulfillment than as a burden to bear throughout life. It is also difficult for us to leave room for the conscience of the faithful, who often respond as best as possible to the Gospel in the midst of its limits and can develop their own discernment in situations where all schemes are broken. We are called to form consciences, but not to try to replace them. 38. We must be grateful that most people value family relationships that want to last over time and that ensure respect for others. For this reason, it is appreciated that the Church offers spaces for support and advice on issues related to the growth of love, overcoming conflicts or the education of children. Many estimate the strength of the grace they experience in Reconciliation sacramental and in the Eucharist, which allows them to cope with the challenges of marriage and family. In some countries, especially in different parts of Africa, secularism has failed to weaken some traditional values, and in each marriage there is a strong union between two extended families, where a well-defined system of managing conflicts and difficulties is still preserved. In today’s world we also appreciate the testimony of marriages that have not only lasted over time, but continue to support a common project and preserve affection. This opens the door to a positive, welcoming pastoral ministry, which makes possible a gradual deepening of the demands of the Gospel. However, many times we have acted defensively, and spent pastoral energies redoubling the attack on the decadent world, with little proactive capacity to show paths to happiness. Many do not feel that the Church’s message on marriage and family has been a clear reflection of the preaching and attitudes of Jesus who, while proposing a demanding ideal, never lost compassionate closeness to the fragile, such as the Samaritan woman or the adulterous woman. 39. This does not mean failing to notice the cultural decadence that does not promote love and dedication. The consultations prior to the last two synods brought to light various symptoms of the «culture of the provisional.» I am referring, for example, to the speed with which people They go from one emotional relationship to another. They believe that love, like social networks, can be connected or disconnected as the consumer wishes and even blocked quickly. I also think of the fear aroused by the prospect of a permanent commitment, of the obsession with free time, of relationships that measure costs and benefits and are maintained only if they are a means to remedy loneliness, to have protection or to receive some service. What happens with objects and the environment is transferred to emotional relationships: everything is disposable, each one uses and throws away, spends and breaks, uses and crushes as long as it is useful. Then goodbye! Narcissism makes people unable to look beyond themselves, their desires and needs. But whoever uses others sooner or later ends up being used, manipulated and abandoned with the same logic. It is striking that breakups often occur in older adults who seek a kind of «autonomy,» and reject the ideal of growing old together, taking care of and supporting each other. 40. «At the risk of simplifying, we could say that there is a culture that pushes many young people to not be able to form a family because they are deprived of future opportunities. However, that same culture grants many others, on the contrary, so many opportunities that they too are dissuaded from starting a family»[14]. In some countries, many young people «are often led to postpone the wedding by economic, work or study problems. Sometimes, for other reasons, such as the influence of ideologies that devalue marriage and family, the experience of the failure of other couples to which they do not want to expose themselves, the fear of something they consider too big and sacred, the social opportunities and economic advantages derived from living together, a purely emotional and romantic conception of love, the fear of losing their freedom and independence, the rejection of everything that is conceived as institutional and bureaucratic»[15]. We need to find the words, motivations and testimonies that help us touch the most intimate fibers of young people, where they are most capable of generosity, commitment, love and even heroism, to invite them to accept with enthusiasm and courage the challenge of marriage. 41. The Synod Fathers referred to the current «cultural trends that seem to impose an affectivity without limits, […] a narcissistic, unstable and changing affectivity that does not always help the subjects to achieve greater maturity.» They have said that they are concerned about «a certain spread of pornography and the commercialization of the body, favored among other things by an unbalanced use of the Internet», and about «the situation of people who are forced to practice prostitution.» In this context, «spouses often feel insecure, indecisive and find it difficult to find ways to grow. There are many who tend to stay in the primary stages of emotional and sexual life. The crisis between spouses destabilizes the family and, through separations and divorces, can have serious consequences for adults, children and society, weakening the individual and social ties»[16]. Marital crises are frequently «faced in a superficial way and without the courage of patience, sincere dialogue, reciprocal forgiveness, reconciliation and also sacrifice. Failures give rise to new relationships, new couples, new unions and new marriages, creating complex and problematic family situations for the Christian option”[17]. 42. «Likewise, the demographic decline, due to an anti-natalist mentality and promoted by global reproductive health policies, not only determines a situation in which the succession of generations is no longer assured, but there is a risk that over time it will lead to economic impoverishment and a loss of hope in the future. The advance of biotechnologies has also had a strong impact on birth rates»[18]. Other factors can be added such as «industrialization, the sexual revolution, fear of overpopulation, economic problems. The consumer society can also discourage people from having children just to maintain their freedom and lifestyle”[19]. It is true that the right conscience of husbands, when they have been very generous in the communication of life, can guide them to the decision to limit the number of children for sufficiently serious reasons, but also, «for love of this dignity of conscience, the Church rejects with all its strength the coercive interventions of the State in favor of contraception, sterilization and even abortion»[20]. These measures are unacceptable even in places with a high birth rate, but it is striking that politicians also encourage them in some countries that suffer the tragedy of a very low birth rate. As the Bishops of Korea indicated, this is “acting in a contradictory manner and neglecting one’s duty”[21]. 43. The weakening of faith and religious practice in some societies affects families and leaves them more alone with their difficulties. The Fathers stated that “one of the greatest poverty of today’s culture is loneliness, the result of the absence of God in people’s lives and the fragility of relationships. Likewise, there is a general feeling of helplessness in the face of the socioeconomic reality that often ends up crushing families […] Frequently, families feel abandoned by the disinterest and lack of attention from institutions. The negative consequences from the point of view of social organization are evident: from the demographic crisis to educational difficulties, from fatigue when it comes to welcoming the nascent life to feeling the presence of the elderly as a burden, until the spread of an emotional discomfort that sometimes reaches violence. The State has the responsibility of creating the legislative and labor conditions to guarantee the future of young people and help them carry out their project of forming a family»[22]. 44. The lack of decent or adequate housing usually leads to postponing the formalization of a relationship. It must be remembered that «the family has the right to decent housing, suitable for family life and proportionate to the number of its members, in a physically healthy environment, which offers basic services for the life of the family and the community»[23]. A family and a home are two things that claim each other. This example shows that we have to insist on family rights, and not just individual rights. The family is an asset that society cannot do without, but it needs to be protected[24]. The defense of these rights is «a prophetic call in favor of the family institution that must be respected and defended against all aggression»[25], especially in the current context where it usually occupies little space in political projects. Families have, among other rights, «to be able to count on an adequate family policy from public authorities in the legal, economic, social and fiscal fields»[26]. Sometimes the anguish of families is dramatic when, faced with the illness of a loved one, they cannot have access to adequate health services, or when the time without access to decent employment is prolonged. «Economic coercion excludes the family’s access to education, cultural life and active social life. The current economic system produces various forms of social exclusion. Families suffer in particular from problems related to work. The possibilities for young people are few and the job offer is very selective and precarious. Workdays are long and often compounded by long travel times. This does not help family members to find each other and their children, in order to nourish their relationships on a daily basis”[27]. 45. «There are many children who are born out of wedlock, especially in some countries, and many who later grow up with only one of the parents or in an extended or reconstituted family context […] On the other hand, the sexual exploitation of childhood constitutes one of the most scandalous and perverse realities of today’s society. Likewise, in societies hit by violence due to war, terrorism or the presence of organized crime, deteriorated family situations occur and, especially in large metropolises and their peripheries, the so-called phenomenon of street children grows. The sexual abuse of children becomes even more scandalous when it occurs in the places where they should be protected, particularly in families and in schools and in Christian communities and institutions[29]. 46. Migrations «represent another sign of the times that must be faced and understood with all the consequences on family life»[30]. The last Synod has given great importance to this problem, expressing that “it concerns, in different ways, entire populations in various parts of the world. The Church has had an important role in this area. The need to maintain and develop this evangelical witness (cf. Mt 25:35) appears more urgent today than ever […] Human mobility, which corresponds to the natural historical movement of people, can reveal authentic richness, both for the family that emigrates and for the country that welcomes it. Another thing is the forced migration of families as a consequence of situations of war, persecution, poverty, injustice, marked by the vicissitudes of a journey that often puts lives at risk, traumatizes people and destabilizes families. The accompaniment of migrants requires specific pastoral care, directed both at families that emigrate and at members of family units that remain in their places of origin. This must be carried out respecting their cultures, the religious and human background from which they come, as well as the spiritual richness of their rites and traditions, also through specific pastoral care […] Migratory experiences are especially dramatic and devastating, both for families and for individuals, when they take place outside of legality and are sustained by international human trafficking circuits. Also when they concern unaccompanied women or children, forced to stay for long periods in places of passage between one country and another, in refugee camps, where it is not possible to begin a path of integration. Extreme poverty, and other situations of disintegration, sometimes even induce families to sell their own children for prostitution or organ trafficking.»[31] «The persecutions of Christians, as well as those of ethnic and religious minorities, in many parts of the world, especially in the Middle East, are a great test: not only for the Church, but also for the entire international community. Every effort must be supported to facilitate the permanence of Christian families and communities in their countries of origin»[32]. 47. The Fathers also devoted special attention «to the families of people with disabilities, in whom said handicap, which breaks into life, generates a profound and unexpected challenge, and disrupts balances, desires and expectations […] Families who lovingly accept the difficult ordeal of a disabled child deserve great admiration. They give the Church and society a valuable testimony of fidelity to the gift of life. The family will be able to discover, together with the Christian community, new gestures and languages, forms of understanding and identity, on the path of welcoming and caring for the mystery of fragility. People with disabilities are a gift and an opportunity for the family to grow in love, mutual help and unity […] The family that accepts the presence of people with disabilities with the eyes of faith will be able to recognize and guarantee the quality and value of each life, with its needs, its rights and its opportunities. Such a family will provide assistance and care, and promote companionship and affection, in every phase of life»[33]. I want to emphasize that the attention dedicated to both migrants and people with disabilities is a sign of the Spirit. Because both situations are paradigmatic: they especially put into play how the logic of merciful reception and integration of the most fragile is lived today. 48. «Most families respect the elderly, surround them with affection and consider them a blessing. Special thanks must be directed to family associations and movements that work for the elderly, spiritually and socially […] In highly industrialized societies, where their number is increasing, while the birth rate is decreasing, they run the risk of being perceived as a burden. On the other hand, the care they require often puts their loved ones to a severe test”[34]. «Valuing the concluding phase of life is even more necessary today, because in today’s society it is about canceling the moment of transit in every possible way. The frailty and dependency of the elderly are sometimes unfairly exploited for economic advantage. Many families teach us that we can face the last years of life by valuing the sense of fulfillment and integration of our entire existence in the paschal mystery. A large number of elderly people are welcomed in ecclesial structures, where they can live in a serene and familiar environment on a material and spiritual level. Euthanasia and assisted suicide are serious threats to families around the world. Its practice is legal in many countries. The Church, while firmly opposed to these practices, feels a duty to assist families who care for their elderly and sick members.»[35] 49. I want to highlight the situation of families immersed in misery, punished in so many ways, where the limits of life are lived in a lacerating way. If everyone has difficulties, in a very poor home they become harder[36]. For example, if a woman must raise her child alone, due to a separation or for other reasons, and must work without the possibility of leaving him with another person, the child grows up in abandonment that exposes him to all kinds of risks, and his personal maturation is compromised. In the difficult situations experienced by the most needy people, the Church must take special care to understand, console, integrate, avoiding imposing a series of rules on them as if they were a rock, which has the effect of making them feel judged and abandoned precisely by that Mother who is called to bring them the mercy of God. In this way, instead of offering the healing force of grace and the light of the Gospel, some want to «indoctrinate» it, turn it into «dead stones to throw against others»[37]. Some challenges 50. The responses received to the two consultations carried out during the synodal journey mentioned the most diverse situations that pose new challenges. In addition to those already indicated, many have referred to the educational function, which is hampered, among other reasons, because parents arrive home tired and unwilling to talk, in many families there is no longer even the habit of eating together, and a wide variety of distraction offers are growing in addition to addiction to television. This makes it difficult to transmit the faith from parents to children. Others indicated that families are often sick due to enormous anxiety. There seems to be more concern about preventing future problems than about sharing the present. This, which is a cultural issue, is aggravated due to an uncertain professional future, economic insecurity, or fear for the future of one’s children. 51. Drug addiction was also mentioned as one of the plagues of our time, which makes many families suffer and often ends up destroying them. something similar It occurs with alcoholism, gambling and other addictions. The family could be the place of prevention and containment, but society and politics do not fully realize that a family at risk «loses the ability to react to help its members […] We notice the serious consequences of this rupture in shattered families, uprooted children, abandoned elderly, orphaned children of living parents, adolescents and young people disoriented and without rules»[38]. As the Bishops of Mexico indicated, there are sad situations of family violence that are breeding grounds for new forms of social aggressiveness, because «family relationships also explain the predisposition to a violent personality. The families that influence this are those that have poor communication; in which defensive attitudes predominate and their members do not support each other; in which there are no family activities that encourage participation; in which parental relationships tend to be conflictive and violent, and in which parent-child relationships are characterized by hostile attitudes. Domestic violence is a school of resentment and hatred in basic human relationships»[39]. 52. No one can think that weakening the family as a natural society founded on marriage is something that benefits society. The opposite happens: it harms the maturation of people, the cultivation of community values and the ethical development of people. cities and towns. It is no longer clear that only the exclusive and indissoluble union between a man and a woman fulfills a full social function, being a stable commitment and making fertility possible. We must recognize the wide variety of family situations that can provide some stability, but de facto or same-sex unions, for example, cannot simply be equated with marriage. No union that is precarious or closed to the communication of life assures us of the future of society. But who today is in charge of strengthening marriages, of helping them overcome the risks that threaten them, of accompanying them in their educational role, of stimulating the stability of the marital union? 53. «In some societies the practice of polygamy is still in force; In other contexts, the practice of combined marriages remains […] In numerous contexts, and not only Western ones, the praxis of cohabitation that precedes marriage is widely disseminated, as well as cohabitations not oriented toward assuming the form of an institutional bond»[40]. In several countries, legislation facilitates the advancement of a multiplicity of alternatives, so that a marriage with notes of exclusivity, indissolubility and openness to life ends up appearing as an outdated offer among many others. A legal deconstruction of the family is advancing in many countries, tending to adopt forms based almost exclusively on the paradigm of the autonomy of the will. While it is legitimate and fair to reject old «traditional» family forms, characterized by authoritarianism and even violence, this should not lead to contempt for marriage but to the rediscovery of its true meaning and its renewal. The strength of the family «lies essentially in its capacity to love and teach to love. No matter how hurt a family may be, it can grow thanks to love”[41]. 54. In this brief look at reality, I wish to highlight that, although there have been notable improvements in the recognition of women’s rights and their participation in public spaces, there is still much to be done in some countries. Unacceptable customs are not completely eradicated. I highlight the shameful violence that is sometimes exercised against women, family abuse and different forms of slavery that do not constitute a display of masculine strength but rather a cowardly degradation. The verbal, physical and sexual violence that is exercised against women in some marriages contradicts the very nature of the marital union. I think about the serious genital mutilation of women in some cultures, but also about the inequality of access to decent jobs and places where decisions are made. History bears the traces of the excesses of patriarchal cultures, where women were considered second class, but let us also remember surrogacy or «the instrumentalization and commodification of the female body in current media culture»[42]. There are those who consider that many current problems have occurred since the emancipation of women. But this argument is not valid, «it is a falsehood, it is not true. It is a form of machismo»[43]. The identical dignity between men and women moves us to rejoice that old forms of discrimination are overcome, and that an exercise of reciprocity is developed within families. If forms of feminism arise that we cannot consider adequate, we still admire a work of the Spirit in the clearer recognition of the dignity of women and their rights. 55. The man «plays an equally decisive role in family life, especially in the protection and support of the wife and children […] Many men are aware of the importance of their role in the family and live it with the character typical of masculine nature. The absence of the father severely affects family life, the education of children and their integration into society. Its absence can be physical, emotional, cognitive and spiritual. This lack deprives children of an appropriate model of parental behavior»[44]. 56. Another challenge arises in various forms from an ideology, generically called gender, that “denies the difference and natural reciprocity of men and women. This presents a society without sex differences, and empties the anthropological foundation of family. This ideology leads to educational projects and legislative guidelines that promote a personal identity and emotional intimacy radically disconnected from the biological diversity between men and women. Human identity is determined by an individualistic option, which also changes over time»[45]. It is disturbing that some ideologies of this type, which seek to respond to certain sometimes understandable aspirations, try to impose themselves as a single thought that determines even the education of children. We must not ignore that «biological sex (sex) and the sociocultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated»[46]. On the other hand, «the biotechnological revolution in the field of human procreation has introduced the possibility of manipulating the generative act, making it independent of the sexual relationship between man and woman. In this way, human life, as well as fatherhood and motherhood, have become composable and decomposable realities, subject mainly to the desires of individuals or couples»[47]. It is one thing to understand human fragility or the complexity of life, and another thing is to accept ideologies that attempt to divide the inseparable aspects of reality into two. Let us not fall into the sin of trying to replace the Creator. We are creatures, we are not omnipotent. What is created precedes us and must be received as a gift. At the same time, we are called to guard our humanity, and that means above all accepting and respecting it as it has been created. 57. I thank God that many families, which are far from considering themselves perfect, live in love, fulfill their vocation and move forward, even if they fall many times along the way. From the synodal reflections there is not a stereotype of the ideal family, but rather an interesting «collage» made up of so many different realities, filled with joys, dramas and dreams. The realities that concern us are challenges. Let us not fall into the trap of wasting ourselves in self-defensive lamentations, instead of awakening missionary creativity. In all situations, «the Church feels the need to say a word of truth and hope […] The great values of marriage and the Christian family correspond to the search that permeates human existence»[48]. If we note many difficulties, they are – as the Bishops of Colombia said – a call to “release within us the energies of hope, translating them into prophetic dreams, transformative actions and imagination of charity”[49]. Third Chapter LOOKING ON JESUS: VOCATION OF THE FAMILY 58. Before families, and among them, the first announcement must always resonate again, which is «the most beautiful, the greatest, the most attractive and at the same time the most necessary»[50], and «it must occupy the center of evangelizing activity»[51]. It is the main announcement, «the one that you always have to hear again.» different ways and that must always be announced again in one way or another»[52]. Because «there is nothing more solid, deeper, more certain, more dense and wiser than that announcement» and «all Christian formation is above all the deepening of the kerygma»[53]. 59. Our teaching on marriage and family cannot fail to be inspired and transfigured in the light of this announcement of love and tenderness, so as not to become a mere defense of a cold and lifeless doctrine. Because the mystery of the Christian family cannot be fully understood unless it is in the light of the infinite love of the Father, which was manifested in Christ, who gave himself to the end and lives among us. For this reason, I want to contemplate the living Christ present in so many love stories, and invoke the fire of the Spirit on all the families of the world. 60. Within this framework, this brief chapter includes a synthesis of the Church’s teaching on marriage and the family. Also here I will cite several contributions presented by the Synod Fathers in their considerations on the light that faith offers us. They started from the gaze of Jesus and indicated that he «looked at the women and men he encountered with love and tenderness, accompanying their steps with truth, patience and mercy, as he announced the demands of the Kingdom of God»[54]. Likewise, the Lord accompanies us today in our interest in living and transmitting the Gospel of the family. Jesus recovers and brings to its fullness the divine project 61. In contrast to those who prohibited marriage, the New Testament teaches that “everything that God has created is good; nothing should be thrown away” (1 Tim 4:4). Marriage is a “gift” from the Lord (cf. 1 Cor 7:7). At the same time, due to this positive assessment, a strong emphasis is placed on caring for this divine gift: «Respect marriage, the wedding bed» (Heb 13:4). That gift from God includes sexuality: «Do not deprive one another» (1 Cor 7:5). 62. The Synod Fathers recalled that Jesus «referring to the primordial plan for man and woman, reaffirms the indissoluble union between them, although saying that «because of the hardness of your heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives; but, from the beginning, it was not like that» (Mt 19:8). The indissolubility of marriage – “what God has joined together, let no man put asunder” (Mt 19:6) – must not be understood above all as a “yoke” imposed on men but as a “gift” made to people united in marriage […] Divine condescension always accompanies the human path, heals and transforms the hardened heart with its grace, directing it towards its beginning, through the way of the cross. From the Gospels the example of Jesus clearly emerges, who […] announced the message concerning the meaning of marriage as the fullness of revelation that recovers God’s original project (cf. Mt 19:3)»[55]. 63. «Jesus, who reconciled everything in itself, returned marriage and the family to its own form original (cf. Mc 10,1-12). Family and marriage were redeemed by Christ (cf. Eph 5:21-32), restored to the image of the Holy Trinity, the mystery from which all true love springs. The spousal alliance, inaugurated in creation and revealed in the history of salvation, receives the full revelation of its meaning in Christ and in his Church. From Christ, through the Church, marriage and the family receive the grace necessary to witness the love of God and live the life of communion. The Gospel of the family traverses the history of the world, from the creation of man in the image and likeness of God (cf. Gen 1:26-27) to the fulfillment of the mystery of the Covenant in Christ at the end of the centuries with the marriage of the Lamb (cf. Rev 19:9)»[56]. 64. «The example of Jesus is a paradigm for the Church […] He began his public life with the miracle at the wedding feast in Cana (cf. Jn 2:1-11) […] He shared daily moments of friendship with the family of Lazarus and his sisters (cf. Luke 10:38) and with the family of Peter (cf. Mt 8:14). He heard the cries of parents for their children, restoring them to life (cf. Mc 5:41; Luke 7:14-15), and thus showing the true meaning of mercy, which implies the reestablishment of the Covenant (cf. John Paul II, Dives in Misericordia, 4). This appears clearly in the encounters with the Samaritan woman (cf. Jn 4:1-30) and with the adulteress (cf. Jn 8:1-11), in which the perception of sin is awakened in the face of love. free of Jesus»[57]. 65. The incarnation of the Word in a human family, in Nazareth, moves the history of the world with its novelty. We need to immerse ourselves in the mystery of the birth of Jesus, in Mary’s yes to the angel’s announcement, when the Word germinated in her womb; also in the yes of Joseph, who gave the name to Jesus and took care of Mary; at the shepherds’ festival next to the manger, at the adoration of the Magi; in flight to Egypt, in which Jesus participates in the pain of his exiled, persecuted and humiliated people; in the religious expectation of Zechariah and in the joy that accompanies the birth of John the Baptist, in the promise fulfilled for Simeon and Anna in the temple, in the admiration of the doctors of the law listening to the wisdom of the adolescent Jesus. And then, penetrate into the thirty long years where Jesus earned his bread working with his hands, whispering the prayer and believing tradition of his people and educating himself in the faith of his parents, until he made it bear fruit in the mystery of the Kingdom. This is the mystery of Christmas and the secret of Nazareth, full of the perfume of family. It is the mystery that so fascinated Francis of Assisi, Teresa of the Child Jesus and Charles de Foucauld, from which Christian families also draw to renew their hope and joy. 66. «The alliance of love and fidelity, from which the Holy Family of Nazareth lives, illuminates the principle that shapes each family, and makes it capable of better facing the vicissitudes of life and of history. On this basis, each family, despite its weakness, can become a light in the darkness of the world. «Lesson of domestic life. Let Nazareth teach what the family is, its communion of love, its simple and austere beauty, its sacred and inviolable character; teach how sweet and irreplaceable its pedagogy is; teach what is fundamental and unsurpassable about its sociology» (Paul VI, Discourse in Nazareth, January 5, 1964)»[58]. The family in the documents of the Church 67. The Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, in the Pastoral Constitution Gaudium et Spes, dealt with «the promotion of the dignity of marriage and the family» (cf. 47-52). He defined marriage as a community of life and love (cf. 48), putting love at the center of the family […] The “true love between husband and wife” (49) implies mutual surrender, includes and integrates the sexual dimension and affectivity, in accordance with the divine plan (cf. 48-49). Furthermore, it highlights the spouses’ rootedness in Christ: Christ the Lord “goes out to meet Christian spouses in the sacrament of marriage” (48), and remains with them. In the incarnation, he assumes human love, purifies it, brings it to its fullness, and gives the spouses, with his Spirit, the ability to live it, impregnating their entire lives with faith, hope and charity. In this way, spouses are consecrated and, through their own grace, build up the Body of Christ and constitute a domestic church (cf. Lumen gentium, 11), so that the Church, to To fully understand its mystery, look to the Christian family, which manifests it in a genuine way»[59]. 68. Then, “following in the footsteps of the Second Vatican Council, Blessed Paul VI deepened the doctrine on marriage and the family. In particular, with the Encyclical Humanae Vitae, he highlighted the intimate link between conjugal love and procreation: “Conjugal love requires spouses to be aware of their mission of responsible parenthood, which is so rightly insisted upon today and which must be understood exactly […] The responsible exercise of parenthood requires, therefore, that spouses fully recognize their own duties towards God, towards themselves, towards the family and society, in a just hierarchy of values” (10). In the Apostolic Exhortation Evangelii nuntiandi, Blessed Paul VI evidenced the relationship between the family and the Church»[60]. 69. «Saint John Paul II dedicated special attention to the family through his catechisms on human love, the Letter to Families Gratissimam sane and above all with the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris consortio. In these documents, the Pontiff defined the family “via the Church”; offered an overview of the vocation to love of man and woman; proposed the fundamental lines for the pastoral care of the family and for the presence of the family in society. In particular, dealing with conjugal charity (cf. Familiaris consortio, 13), he described the way in which spouses, in their mutual love, receive the gift of the Spirit of Christ and live their call to holiness»[61]. 70. «Benedict XVI, in the Encyclical Deus caritas est, took up the theme of the truth of love between man and woman, which is fully illuminated only in the light of the love of Christ crucified (cf. n. 2). He emphasizes that “marriage based on an exclusive and definitive love becomes the icon of God’s relationship with his people and, vice versa, God’s way of loving becomes the measure of human love” (11). Furthermore, in the Encyclical Caritas in veritate, he highlights the importance of love as a principle of life in society (cf. no. 44), a place in which the experience of the common good is learned»[62]. The sacrament of marriage 71. «Holy Scripture and Tradition reveal to us the Trinity with familiar characteristics. The family is the image of God, which […] is a communion of people. In baptism, the voice of the Father called Jesus the beloved Son, and in this love we can recognize the Holy Spirit (cf. Mark 1:10-11). Jesus, who reconciled everything within himself and redeemed man from sin, not only returned marriage and the family to their original form, but also elevated marriage to a sacramental sign of his love for the Church (cf. Mt 19:1-12; Mk 10:1-12; Eph 5:21-32). In the human family, reunited in Christ, the “image and likeness” of the Holy Trinity is restored (cf. Gen 1:26), a mystery from which all true love springs. From Christ, through the Church, the Marriage and the family receive the grace necessary to witness the Gospel of God’s love»[63]. 72. The sacrament of marriage is not a social convention, an empty rite or the mere external sign of a commitment. The sacrament is a gift for the sanctification and salvation of spouses, because “their mutual belonging is a real representation, through the sacramental sign, of the same relationship of Christ with the Church. The spouses are therefore the permanent memory for the Church of what happened on the cross; They are for each other and for their children, witnesses of salvation, in which the sacrament makes them participants”[64]. Marriage is a vocation, in that it is a response to the specific call to live conjugal love as an imperfect sign of the love between Christ and the Church. Therefore, the decision to marry and create a family must be the result of vocational discernment. 73. «The reciprocal gift constitutive of sacramental marriage is rooted in the grace of baptism, which establishes the fundamental alliance of every person with Christ in the Church. In mutual acceptance, and with the grace of Christ, the couple promise each other total dedication, fidelity and openness to life, and also recognize as constitutive elements of marriage the gifts that God offers them, taking seriously their mutual commitment, in his name and before the Church. Now, faith allows us to assume the goods of marriage as commitments that can be better sustained through the help of the grace of the sacrament […] Therefore, the gaze of the Church is directed to the spouses as to the heart of the entire family, which in turn directs its gaze to Jesus»[65]. The sacrament is not a «thing» or a «force», because in reality Christ himself «through the sacrament of marriage, goes out to meet Christian spouses (cf. Gaudium et spes, 48). He remains with them, he gives them the strength to follow him, taking up his cross, to get up after their falls, to forgive each other, to carry each other’s burdens.»[66] Christian marriage is a sign that not only indicates how much Christ loved his Church in the Covenant sealed on the cross, but also makes that love present in the communion of the spouses. By uniting themselves in one flesh, they represent the espousal of the Son of God with human nature. That is why «in the joys of his love and his family life he gives them, already here, a foretaste of the wedding banquet of the Lamb»[67]. Although «the analogy between the husband-wife couple and Christ-Church» is an «imperfect analogy»[68], it invites us to invoke the Lord to pour out his own love within the limits of marital relationships. 74. Sexual union, lived in a human way and sanctified by the sacrament, is in turn a path of growth in the life of grace for spouses. It is the “nuptial mystery”[69]. The value of the union of bodies is expressed in the words of consent, where they accepted and gave themselves to each other. another to share for a lifetime. These words give meaning to sexuality and free it from any ambiguity. But, in reality, the entire life together of the spouses, the entire network of relationships that they will weave with each other, with their children and with the world, will be impregnated and strengthened by the grace of the sacrament that flows from the mystery of the Incarnation and Easter, where God expressed all his love for humanity and united himself intimately with it. You will never be alone with your own strength to face the challenges that arise. They are called to respond to God’s gift with their commitment, their creativity, their resistance and their daily struggle, but they will always be able to invoke the Holy Spirit who has consecrated their union, so that the grace received is manifested again in each new situation. 75. According to the Latin tradition of the Church, in the sacrament of marriage the ministers are the man and the woman who are getting married[70], who, by manifesting their consent and expressing it in their corporeal surrender, receive a great gift. Their consent and the union of their bodies are the instruments of divine action that makes them one flesh. In baptism their ability to join in marriage as ministers of the Lord to respond to God’s call was consecrated. Therefore, when two non-Christian spouses are baptized, it is not necessary that they renew the marriage promise, and it is enough that they do not reject it, since by the baptism they receive that union automatically becomes sacramental. Canon Law also recognizes the validity of some marriages that are celebrated without an ordained minister[71]. In effect, the natural order has been assumed by the redemption of Jesus Christ, in such a way that, «between the baptized, there can be no valid marriage contract that is not therefore a sacrament»[72]. The Church may require publicity of the act, the presence of witnesses and other conditions that have varied throughout history, but that does not deprive the two who marry of their character as ministers of the sacrament nor weaken the centrality of the consent of the man and the woman, which is what in itself establishes the sacramental bond. In any case, we need to reflect more about divine action in the wedding rite, which appears very prominent in the Eastern Churches, by highlighting the importance of the blessing on the bride and groom as a sign of the gift of the Spirit. Seeds of the Word and imperfect situations 76. «The Gospel of the family also nourishes these seeds that are still waiting to mature, and must take care of the trees that have lost vitality and need not to be neglected»[73], so that, starting from the gift of Christ in the sacrament, «they are patiently led further until they reach a richer knowledge and a fuller integration of this mystery in their life»[74]. 77. Assuming the biblical teaching, according to which everything was created by Christ and for Christ (cf. Col 1:16), the Synod Fathers They recalled that “the order of redemption illuminates and fulfills that of creation. Natural marriage, therefore, is fully understood in the light of its sacramental fulfillment: only by fixing our gaze on Christ can we deeply know the truth of human relationships. “In reality, the mystery of man is only clarified in the mystery of the incarnate Word […] Christ, the new Adam, in the same revelation of the mystery of the Father and his love, fully manifests man to man himself and reveals to him the greatness of his vocation” (Gaudium et spes, 22). It is particularly opportune to understand in a Christ-centered way […] the good of the spouses (bonum coniugum)»[75], which includes unity, openness to life, fidelity and indissolubility, and within Christian marriage also mutual help on the path towards the fullest friendship with the Lord. «The discernment of the presence of the semina Verbi in other cultures (cf. Ad gentes divinitus, 11) can also be applied to the reality of marriage and family. Outside of true natural marriage there are also positive elements in the marriage forms of other religious traditions”[76], although there are also shadows. We can say that «any person who wants to bring a family into this world that teaches children to rejoice in every action that has the purpose of overcoming evil—a family that shows that the Spirit is alive and active—will find gratitude and esteem, no matter the people, or the religion or the region to which they belong»[77]. 78. «The gaze of Christ, whose light illuminates every man (cf. Jn 1,9; Gaudium et Spes, 22) inspires the pastoral care of the Church towards the faithful who simply live together, those who have contracted only a civil marriage or the divorced and remarried. With the approach of divine pedagogy, the Church looks with love on those who participate in its life in an imperfect way: it asks for them the grace of conversion; it instills in them the courage to do good, to take loving care of one another and to be of service to the community in which they live and work […] When the union achieves notable stability through a public bond—and is connoted by deep affection, responsibility for one’s offspring, the ability to overcome trials—it can be seen as an opportunity to accompany one another toward the sacrament of marriage, wherever possible.»[78] 79. «In the face of difficult situations and wounded families, it is always necessary to remember a general principle: “Pastors, for the love of the truth, are obliged to discern situations well” (Familiaris consortio, 84). The degree of responsibility is not the same in all cases, and there may be factors that limit decision-making capacity. Therefore, at the same time that the doctrine is expressed clearly, we must avoid judgments that do not take into account the complexity of the various situations, and we must be attentive to the way in which people live. and they suffer because of their condition»[79]. Transmission of life and education of children 80. Marriage is first of all an “intimate conjugal community of life and love”[80], which constitutes a good for the spouses themselves[81], and sexuality “is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman”[82]. For this reason, also «husbands to whom God has not granted children can lead a conjugal life full of meaning, humanly and Christianly»[83]. However, this union is ordered to generation «by its own natural character»[84]. The child who arrives “does not come from outside to add to the mutual love of the spouses; it springs from the very heart of that reciprocal gift, of which it is the fruit and fulfillment”[85]. It does not appear as the end of a process, but is present from the beginning of love as an essential characteristic that cannot be denied without mutilating love itself. From the beginning, love rejects every impulse to close in on itself, and opens to a fertility that extends it beyond its own existence. Therefore, no genital act of the spouses can deny this meaning[86], although for various reasons it cannot always in fact engender a new life. 81. The child claims to be born from that love, and not in any way, since he «is not a right but a gift»[87], which is «the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents»[88]. Because «according to the order of creation, conjugal love between a man and a woman and the transmission of life are reciprocally ordered (cf. Gen 1:27-28). In this way, the Creator made man and woman participants in the work of his creation and, at the same time, made them instruments of his love, entrusting the future of humanity to their responsibility through the transmission of human life»[89]. 82. The Synod Fathers have mentioned that «it is not difficult to verify that a mentality is spreading that reduces the generation of life to a variable of individual projects or those of spouses»[90]. The teaching of the Church “helps to live harmoniously and consciously the communion between spouses, in all its dimensions, together with generative responsibility. It is necessary to rediscover the message of the Encyclical Humanae Vitae of Paul VI, which emphasizes the need to respect the dignity of the person in the moral evaluation of methods of regulating birth rate […] The option of adoption and foster care expresses a particular fruitfulness of the conjugal experience»[91]. With particular gratitude, the Church «supports families who welcome, educate and surround with their affection children with diverse abilities»[92]. 83. In this context, I cannot help but say that, if the family is the sanctuary of life, the place where life is engendered and cared for, it constitutes a lacerating contradiction that it becomes the place where life is denied and destroyed. The value of a human life is so great, and the right to a child’s life is so inalienable. innocent that grows in the womb of its mother, that in no way can the possibility of making decisions regarding that life be considered as a right over one’s own body, which is an end in itself and can never be an object of domination by another human being. The family protects life in all its stages and also in its decline. For this reason, «those who work in healthcare structures are reminded of the moral obligation of conscientious objection. In the same way, the Church not only feels the urgency of affirming the right to natural death, avoiding therapeutic cruelty and euthanasia», but also «firmly rejects the death penalty»[93]. 84. The Fathers also wanted to emphasize that «one of the fundamental challenges facing families today is surely the educational challenge, even more arduous and complex due to the current cultural reality and the great influence of the media»[94]. «The Church plays a precious role in supporting families, starting from Christian initiation, through welcoming communities»[95]. But it seems very important to me to remember that the comprehensive education of children is a «very serious obligation» as well as a «primary right» of parents[96]. It is not only a burden or a weight, but also an essential and irreplaceable right that they are called to defend and that no one should try to take away from them. The State offers an educational service in a subsidiary manner, accompanying the the non-delegable role of parents, who have the right to freely choose the type of education—accessible and quality—that they want to give to their children according to their convictions. The school does not replace parents but complements them. This is a basic principle: «Any other collaborator in the educational process must act on behalf of the parents, with their consent and, to a certain extent, even at their request»[97]. But “a gap has opened between family and society, between family and school, the educational pact today has been broken; and thus, the educational alliance of society with the family has entered into crisis»[98]. 85. The Church is called to collaborate, with appropriate pastoral action, so that parents themselves can fulfill their educational mission. It must always be done by helping them to value their own role, and to recognize that those who have received the sacrament of marriage become true educational ministers, because when they educate their children they build the Church[99], and in doing so they accept a vocation that God proposes to them[100]. The family and the Church 86. «With intimate joy and deep consolation, the Church looks at the families who remain faithful to the teachings of the Gospel, thanking them for the witness they give and encouraging them. Thanks to them, in fact, the beauty of indissoluble and faithful marriage forever becomes credible. In the family, “which could be called the domestic church” (Lumen gentium, 11), the first ecclesial experience matures of communion between people, in which the mystery of the Holy Trinity is reflected, by grace. “Here one learns patience and the joy of work, brotherly love, generous forgiveness, even repeated, and above all divine worship through prayer and the offering of one’s life” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1657)»[101]. 87. The Church is a family of families, constantly enriched by the life of all the domestic churches. Therefore, “by virtue of the sacrament of marriage each family becomes, for all intents and purposes, an asset to the Church. In this perspective, it will certainly also be a valuable gift, for the Church today, to consider the reciprocity between family and Church: the Church is a good for the family, the family is a good for the Church. Guarding this sacramental gift of the Lord corresponds not only to the family individually but to the entire Christian community»[102]. 88. Love lived in families is a constant force for the life of the Church. «The unitive purpose of marriage is a constant call to increase and deepen this love. In their union of love, spouses experience the beauty of fatherhood and motherhood; they share projects and fatigues, desires and hobbies; They learn to care for each other and forgive each other. In this love they celebrate their happy moments and support each other in the difficult episodes of their life history […] The beauty of the reciprocal and free gift, the joy for the life that is born and the loving care of all its members, from the little ones to the elderly, are just some of the fruits that make the response to the vocation of the family unique and irreplaceable»[103], both for the Church and for the entire society. Fourth Chapter LOVE IN MARRIAGE 89. All that has been said is not enough to manifest the gospel of marriage and the family if we do not stop especially to talk about love. Because we will not be able to encourage a path of fidelity and reciprocal dedication if we do not stimulate the growth, consolidation and deepening of conjugal and family love. Indeed, the grace of the sacrament of marriage is intended above all «to perfect the love of spouses»[104]. It also applies here that, “I could have faith enough to move mountains; If I don’t have love, I am nothing. I could distribute everything I have in alms and even let myself be burned alive; If I do not have love, it is of no use to me” (1 Cor 13:2-3). But the word «love», one of the most used, often appears disfigured[105]. Our daily love 90. In the so-called hymn of charity written by Saint Paul, we see some characteristics of true love: «Love is patient, it is helpful; Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not arrogant, it does not act harshly, it does not seek its own interest, it is not irritated, it does not count evil, it does not rejoice in injustice, but it rejoices in the truth. He excuses all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things» (1 Cor. 13,4-7). This is lived and cultivated in the midst of the life that spouses share every day, with each other and with their children. That is why it is valuable to stop to specify the meaning of the expressions in this text, to attempt an application to the concrete existence of each family. Patience 91. The first expression used is makrothymei. The translation is not simply that «he endures all things,» because that idea is expressed at the end of v. 7. The meaning is taken from the Greek translation of the Old Testament, where it says that God is «slow to anger» (Ex 34,6; Nm 14,18). It is shown when the person does not give in to impulses and avoids attacking. It is a quality of the God of the Covenant that calls for his imitation also within family life. The texts in which Paul uses this term must be read against the background of the Book of Wisdom (cf. 11:23; 12:2.15-18); At the same time that God’s moderation is praised to make room for repentance, his power is insisted upon, which is manifested when he acts with mercy. God’s patience is an exercise of mercy towards the sinner and manifests true power. 92. Being patient does not mean allowing ourselves to be constantly mistreated, or tolerating physical attacks, or allowing ourselves to be treated as objects. The problem is when we demand that relationships be heavenly or that people be perfect, or when we place ourselves in the center and expect only our own will to be fulfilled. So everything makes us impatient, Everything leads us to react aggressively. If we do not cultivate patience, we will always have excuses to respond with anger, and finally we will become people who do not know how to live together, antisocial, incapable of postponing impulses, and the family will become a battlefield. For this reason, the Word of God exhorts us: «Banish from yourselves bitterness, anger, anger, insults, and all evil» (Eph 4:31). This patience is strengthened when I recognize that the other also has the right to live on this earth with me, just as they are. It doesn’t matter if he is a hindrance to me, if he alters my plans, if he bothers me with his way of being or with his ideas, if he is not everything I expected. Love always has a sense of deep compassion that leads to accepting the other as part of this world, even when they act in a different way than I would like. Attitude of service 93. Follow the word jrestéuetai, which is unique in the entire Bible, derived from jrestós (good person, who shows his goodness in his works). But, because of the place in which it is, in strict parallelism with the preceding verb, it is its complement. Thus, Paul wants to clarify that the «patience» mentioned in the first place is not a totally passive posture, but is accompanied by an activity, by a dynamic and creative reaction to others. It indicates that love benefits and promotes others. That’s why it translates as «helpful.» 94. Throughout the text it is seen that Paul wants to insist that love is not just a feeling, but must be understood in the sense that the verb «love» has in Hebrew: it is «to do good.» As Saint Ignatius of Loyola said, “love must be put more into actions than into words”[106]. Thus it can show all its fruitfulness, and allows us to experience the happiness of giving, the nobility and greatness of giving ourselves superabundantly, without measuring, without demanding payments, for the sole pleasure of giving and serving. Healing envy 95. Then an attitude expressed as zeloi (jealousy, envy) is rejected as contrary to love. It means that in love there is no room to feel discomfort for the good of another (cf. Acts 7:9; 17:5). Envy is a sadness for the good of others, which shows that we are not interested in the happiness of others, since we are exclusively focused on our own well-being. While love makes us leave ourselves, envy leads us to focus on our own self. True love values the achievements of others, does not feel them as a threat, and is freed from the bitter taste of envy. Accept that everyone has different gifts and different paths in life. So, try to discover your own way to be happy, letting others find theirs. 96. In short, it is about fulfilling what the last two commandments of the Law of God requested: «You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male or female slave, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that belongs to him» (Ex 20:17). love It leads us to a heartfelt appreciation of each human being, recognizing their right to happiness. I love that person, I look at them with the gaze of God the Father, who gives us everything «so that we can enjoy it» (1 Tim 6:17), and then I accept within myself that I can enjoy a good time. This same root of love, in any case, is what leads me to reject the injustice that some have too much and others have nothing, or what moves me to seek that those who are disposable in society can also experience a little joy. But that is not envy, but desire for equity. Without showing off or enlarging 97. The term perpereuotai follows, which indicates vainglory, the desire to show oneself as superior to impress others with a pedantic and somewhat aggressive attitude. Those who love not only avoid talking too much about themselves, but also, because they are focused on others, they know how to put themselves in their place without trying to be the center. The next word—physioutai—is very similar, because it indicates that love is not arrogant. It literally expresses that he does not «magnify» himself in front of others, and indicates something more subtle. It is not only an obsession with showing one’s own qualities, but also the sense of reality is lost. He considers himself greater than he is, because he believes himself to be more «spiritual» or «wise.» Paul uses this verb other times, for example to say that «knowledge puffs up, but love builds up» (1 Cor 8:1). That is to say, some believe they are great because they know more than others, and they They dedicate themselves to demanding and controlling them, when in reality what makes us great is the love that understands, cares for, and protects the weak. In another verse he also applies it to criticize those who «magnify themselves» (cf. 1 Cor 4:18), but in reality have more talk than true «power» of the Spirit (cf. 1 Cor 4:19). 98. It is important that Christians live this in their way of treating family members who are poorly formed in the faith, fragile or less firm in their convictions. Sometimes the opposite happens: the supposedly most advanced within their family become arrogant and unbearable. The attitude of humility appears here as something that is part of love, because in order to understand, apologize or serve others from the heart, it is essential to heal pride and cultivate humility. Jesus reminded his disciples that in the world of power each one tries to dominate another, and that is why he tells them: «It should not be like that among you» (Mt 20:26). The logic of Christian love is not that of those who feel more than others and need to make them feel their power, but rather that «whoever wants to be first among you, let him be your servant» (Mt 20:27). In family life, the logic of dominance of some over others, or competition to see who is more intelligent or powerful, cannot reign, because that logic destroys love. Also for the family is this advice: «Have feelings of humility toward one another, because God resists the proud, but gives his grace to the humble» (1 Pt. 5.5). Kindness 99. To love is also to become kind, and there the word asjemonéi makes sense. It means that love does not act rudely, does not act impolitely, is not harsh in treatment. Their manners, their words, their gestures, are pleasant and not harsh or rigid. He hates making others suffer. Courtesy «is a school of sensitivity and disinterest», which requires the person to «cultivate their mind and senses, learn to feel, speak and, at certain moments, to remain silent»[107]. Being kind is not a style that a Christian can choose or reject. As part of the inalienable demands of love, «every human being is obliged to be kind to those around him»[108]. Every day, «entering the life of another, even when it is part of our life, requires the delicacy of a non-invasive attitude that renews trust and respect […] Love, when it is more intimate and profound, the more it demands respect for freedom and the ability to wait for the other to open the door to their heart»[109]. 100. To prepare for a true encounter with the other, a kind gaze on him is required. This is not possible when a pessimism reigns that highlights other people’s defects and errors, perhaps to compensate for one’s own complexes. A kind look allows us not to dwell so much on its limits, and thus we can tolerate it and unite in a common project, even if we are different. Kind love generates bonds, cultivates ties, creates new networks of integration, builds a firm social fabric. This is how he protects himself, since without a sense of belonging one cannot sustain a dedication to others, each one ends up seeking only his own convenience and coexistence becomes impossible. An antisocial person believes that others exist to satisfy their needs, and that when they do so they are only doing their duty. Therefore, there is no place for the kindness of love and its language. He who loves is capable of saying words of encouragement, that comfort, that strengthen, that console, that stimulate. Let’s look, for example, at some words that Jesus said to people: «Courage up, son!» (Mt 9,2). «How great is your faith!» (Mt 15,28). «Get up!» (Mk 5,41). «Go in peace» (Luke 7:50). «Do not be afraid» (Mt 14:27). They are not words that humiliate, that sadden, that irritate, that despise. In the family we must learn this kind language of Jesus. Detachment 101. We have said many times that to love others you must first love yourself. However, this hymn to love states that love “does not seek its own interest,” or “does not seek what is his.” This expression is also used in another text: «Do not confine yourselves to your own interests, but all of you seek the interests of others» (Phil 2:4). Faced with such a clear statement from the Scriptures, we must avoid giving priority to self-love as if it were more noble than the gift of self to others. A certain priority of self-love can only be understood as a psychological condition, insofar as one He is incapable of loving himself and finds it difficult to love others: «He who is stingy with himself, with whom will he be generous? […] No one worse than the miser with himself» (Si 14,5-6). 102. But Saint Thomas Aquinas himself has explained that «it belongs more to charity to want to love than to want to be loved»[110] and that, in fact, «mothers, who love most, seek more to love than to be loved»[111]. For this reason, love can go beyond justice and overflow freely, «without expecting anything in return» (Lk 6:35), until reaching the greatest love, which is «giving one’s life» for others (Jn 15:13). Is this detachment that allows giving freely and giving until the end still possible? Surely it is possible, because it is what the Gospel asks: «What you have received freely, give freely» (Mt 10:8). Without internal violence 103. If the first expression of the hymn invited us to patience that avoids reacting abruptly to the weaknesses or errors of others, now another word appears—paroxýnetai—which refers to an internal reaction of indignation caused by something external. It is an internal violence, an unmanifest irritation that puts us on the defensive in front of others, as if they were annoying enemies that must be avoided. Feeding that intimate aggression is useless. It only makes us sick and ends up isolating us. Indignation is healthy when it leads us to react to a serious injustice, but it is harmful when it tends to permeate all of our actions. attitudes towards others. 104. The Gospel rather invites us to look at the beam in our own eye (cf. Mt 7:5), and Christians cannot ignore the constant invitation of the Word of God not to feed anger: «Do not let yourself be overcome by evil» (Rom 12:21). «Let us not tire of doing good» (Gal 6:9). It is one thing to feel the force of the aggressiveness that arises and another to consent to it, to let it become a permanent attitude: «If you become indignant, you will not sin; May the setting of the sun not surprise you in your anger” (Eph 4:26). Therefore, you should never end the day without making peace in the family. And, «How should I make peace?» Get on my knees? No! Just a small gesture, something small, and family harmony returns. A caress is enough, without words. But never end the family day without making peace»[112]. The inner reaction to an annoyance that others cause us should be, above all, to bless in our hearts, to wish well for the other, to ask God to deliver and heal them: «Respond with a blessing, for this is what you have been called to do: to inherit a blessing» (1 Pet 3:9). If we have to fight against an evil, let’s do it, but always say «no» to internal violence. Forgiveness 105. If we allow a bad feeling to penetrate our guts, we leave room for that resentment that grows old in the heart. The phrase logízetai to kakón means «he takes evil into account», «he keeps it written down», that is, he is spiteful. The opposite is forgiveness, a forgiveness that It is based on a positive attitude, which tries to understand the weakness of others and tries to find excuses for the other person, like Jesus when he said: «Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do» (Lk 23:34). But the tendency is usually to look for more and more blame, to imagine more and more evil, to assume all kinds of bad intentions, and thus the resentment grows and takes root. In this way, any mistake or fall of the spouse can damage the love bond and family stability. The problem is that sometimes everything is given the same severity, with the risk of becoming cruel to any other people’s mistakes. The just vindication of one’s own rights becomes a persistent and constant thirst for revenge rather than a healthy defense of one’s own dignity. 106. When we have been offended or disappointed, forgiveness is possible and desirable, but no one says it is easy. The truth is that «family communion can be preserved and perfected only with a great spirit of sacrifice. It demands, in fact, a prompt and generous availability of each and every one to understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, and reconciliation. No family is unaware that selfishness, disagreement, tensions, conflicts attack with violence and sometimes mortally wound the communion itself: hence the multiple and varied forms of division in family life»[113]. 107. Today we know that in order to forgive we need to go through the liberating experience of understanding ourselves and forgive ourselves. So many times our mistakes, or the critical gaze of the people we love, have led us to lose love for ourselves. This causes us to end up protecting ourselves from others, escaping from affection, filling ourselves with fear in interpersonal relationships. Then, being able to blame others becomes a false relief. It is necessary to pray with one’s own story, accept oneself, know how to live with one’s limitations, and even forgive oneself, to be able to have that same attitude with others. 108. But this supposes the experience of being forgiven by God, justified freely and not by our merits. We were reached by a love prior to all our work, which always gives a new opportunity, promotes and stimulates. If we accept that God’s love is unconditional, that the Father’s affection cannot be bought or paid for, then we can love beyond everything, forgive others even when they have been unfair to us. Otherwise, our family life will cease to be a place of understanding, support and encouragement, and will be a space of permanent tension or mutual punishment. Rejoice with others 109. The expression jairei epi te adikía indicates something negative based in the secret of the person’s heart. It is the poisonous attitude of those who rejoice when they see injustice done to someone. The phrase is complemented by the following, which says it positively: sygjairei te alétheia: rejoices in the truth. That is, he is happy with the good of others, when their dignity is recognized, when their abilities and good works are valued. That is impossible for those who need to always be comparing or competing, even with their own spouse, to the point of secretly rejoicing in their failures. 110. When a person who loves can do good to another, or when he sees that the other is doing well in life, he lives it with joy, and in this way he gives glory to God, because «God loves him who gives with joy» (2 Cor 9:7). Our Lord appreciates in a special way those who rejoice in the happiness of others. If we do not feed our capacity to enjoy the good of others and, above all, we concentrate on our own needs, we condemn ourselves to live with little joy, since as Jesus said «there is more happiness in giving than in receiving» (Acts 20:35). The family should always be the place where someone, who achieves something good in life, knows that they will celebrate it there. Excuse everything 111. The list is completed with four expressions that speak of a totality: «everything.» Excuse everything, believe everything, expect everything, endure everything. In this way, the countercultural dynamism of love is strongly highlighted, capable of facing anything that may threaten it. 112. First of all, it is said that panta stegei excuses everything. It differs from «does not take evil into account», because this term has to do with the use of language; can mean «keeping silent» about the bad things that may happen in another person. It implies limiting judgment, containing the inclination to issue harsh and implacable condemnation: «Do not condemn and you will not be condemned» (Lk 6:37). Although it goes against our habitual use of language, the Word of God asks us: «Do not speak evil of one another, brothers» (James 4:11). Stopping to damage the image of another is a way of strengthening our own, of unloading resentments and envy regardless of the damage we cause. It is often forgotten that defamation can be a great sin, a serious offense to God, when it seriously affects the good reputation of others, causing damage that is very difficult to repair. That is why the Word of God is so harsh on the tongue, saying that “it is a world of iniquity” that “pollutes the whole person” (James 3:6), like a “tireless evil loaded with deadly poison” (James 3:8). If «with it we curse men, created in the likeness of God» (James 3:9), love takes care of the image of others, with a delicacy that leads to preserving even the good reputation of enemies. In the defense of divine law we must never forget this demand of love. 113. Spouses who love and belong to each other, speak well of each other, try to show the good side of their spouse beyond their weaknesses and mistakes. In any case, they remain silent so as not to damage their image. But it is not just an external gesture, it springs from an internal attitude. Nor is it the naivety of those who pretend not to see the difficulties and weaknesses of the other, but the breadth of vision of those who place those weaknesses and errors in their context. Remember that these defects are only a part, they are not the entire being of the other. One unpleasant fact in the relationship is not the entirety of that relationship. Then, it can be simply accepted that we are all a complex combination of lights and shadows. The other is not just what bothers me. It’s much more than that. For the same reason, I do not demand that your love be perfect in order to value it. He loves me as he is and as he can, with his limits, but just because his love is imperfect does not mean that it is false or that it is not real. It is real, but limited and earthly. Therefore, if I demand too much from him, he will let me know in some way, since he will not be able to and will not accept to play the role of a divine being or be at the service of all my needs. Love coexists with imperfection, apology, and knows how to remain silent in the face of the limits of the loved one. Trust 114. Panta pisteuei, «believes everything», due to the context, «faith» should not be understood in the theological sense, but in the ordinary sense of «trust.» It’s not just about not suspecting that the other is lying or deceiving. That basic trust recognizes the light lit by God, which is hidden behind the darkness, or the ember that still burns beneath the ashes. 115. This same trust makes a relationship of freedom possible. It is not necessary to control the other, to carefully follow their steps, to prevent them from escaping our arms. Love trust, let In freedom, he renounces controlling everything, possessing, dominating. This freedom, which makes possible spaces of autonomy, openness to the world and new experiences, allows the relationship to be enriched and not become a closed circle without horizons. Thus, spouses, when reunited, can experience the joy of sharing what they have received and learned outside the family circle. At the same time, it makes sincerity and transparency possible, because when one knows that others trust him and value the basic goodness of his being, then he shows himself as he is, without hiding. Someone who knows that they are always suspected of him, that they judge him without compassion, that they do not love him unconditionally, will prefer to keep his secrets, hide his falls and weaknesses, pretend what he is not. On the other hand, a family where a basic and loving trust reigns, and where trust is always returned despite everything, allows the true identity of its members to emerge, and causes them to spontaneously reject deception, falsehood or lies. Wait 116. Panta elpizei: do not despair of the future. Connected with the previous word, it indicates the wait of someone who knows that the other can change. He always hopes that a maturation is possible, a surprising outbreak of beauty, that the most hidden potentialities of his being will one day germinate. It doesn’t mean that everything will change in this life. It involves accepting that some things do not happen as one wishes, but perhaps God writes straight with the crooked lines of a person and bring some good out of the evils that he cannot overcome on this earth. 117. Here hope is present in all its sense, because it includes the certainty of a life beyond death. That person, with all his weaknesses, is called to the fullness of heaven. There, completely transformed by the resurrection of Christ, its frailties, its darknesses and its pathologies will no longer exist. There the true being of that person will shine with all its power of good and beauty. This also allows us, in the midst of the annoyances of this earth, to contemplate that person with a supernatural gaze, in the light of hope, and wait for that plenitude that one day he or she will receive in the Heavenly Kingdom, even if it is not visible now. Endures everything 118. Panta hypoménei means that it endures all setbacks with a positive spirit. It is standing firm in the midst of a hostile environment. It is not just about tolerating some annoying things, but about something broader: a dynamic and constant resistance, capable of overcoming any challenge. It is love despite everything, even when the entire context invites something else. It manifests a share of stubborn heroism, of power against all negative currents, an option for good that nothing can overthrow. This reminds me of those words of Martin Luther King, when he once again opted for brotherly love even in the midst of the worst persecutions and humiliations: «The person who hates you the most has something good in him.» he; even the nation you hate the most has something good in it; even the race he hates the most has something good in it. And when you get to the point where you look at every man’s face and see deep within him what religion calls the “image of God,” you begin to love him “in spite of.” No matter what I do, you see the image of God there. There is an element of goodness that you can never get rid of […] Another way to love your enemy is this: when the opportunity presents itself for you to defeat your enemy, that is the moment you must decide not to do it […] When you rise to the level of love, of its great beauty and power, the only thing you seek to defeat is the evil systems. You love the people trapped in that system, but you try to defeat that system […] Hate for hate’s sake only intensifies the existence of hate and evil in the universe. If I hit you and you hit me, and I hit you back and you hit me back, and so on, it is clear that you go to infinity. It just never ends. Somewhere, someone must have some sense, and that is the strong person. The strong person is the person who can break the chain of hate, the chain of evil […] Someone must have enough religion and morality to cut it and inject into the very structure of the universe that strong and powerful element of love»[114]. 119. In family life it is necessary to cultivate that force of love, which allows us to fight against the evil that threatens it. love is not left dominated by resentment, contempt for people, the desire to hurt or take something from them. The Christian ideal, and particularly in the family, is love despite everything. Sometimes I admire, for example, the attitude of people who have had to separate from their spouse to protect themselves from physical violence and yet, through marital charity that knows how to go beyond feelings, they have been able to seek their good, even through others, in moments of illness, suffering or difficulty. That’s also love despite everything. Growing in conjugal charity 120. Saint Paul’s hymn, which we have reviewed, allows us to make way for conjugal charity. It is the love that unites spouses[115], sanctified, enriched and illuminated by the grace of the sacrament of marriage. It is an «affective union»[116], spiritual and oblative, but which includes within itself the tenderness of friendship and erotic passion, although it is capable of subsisting even when feelings and passion weaken. Pope Pius XI taught that this love permeates all the duties of married life and «has a certain principality of nobility»[117]. Because that strong love, poured out by the Holy Spirit, is a reflection of the unbreakable Alliance between Christ and humanity that culminated in surrender to the end, on the cross: «The Spirit that the Lord infuses renews the heart and makes man and woman capable of loving each other as Christ loved us. In this way conjugal love reaches the fullness to which it is internally ordered, conjugal charity»[118]. 121. Marriage is a precious sign, because «when a man and a woman celebrate the sacrament of marriage, God, so to speak, “reflects” himself in them, imprints on them his own traits and the indelible character of his love. Marriage is the image of God’s love for us. God, in fact, is also communion: the three Persons of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit live always and forever in perfect unity. And this is precisely the mystery of marriage: God makes the two spouses one existence”[119]. This has very concrete and everyday consequences, because spouses, «by virtue of the sacrament, are invested with an authentic mission, so that they can make visible, from simple, ordinary things, the love with which Christ loves his Church, who continues to give his life for her»[120]. 122. However, it is not advisable to confuse different levels: we must not throw on two limited people the tremendous burden of having to perfectly reproduce the union that exists between Christ and his Church, because marriage as a sign implies «a dynamic process, which advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God»[121]. All life, everything in common 123. After the love that unites us to God, conjugal love is the «maximum friendship»[122]. It is a union that has all the characteristics of a good friendship: search for the good of the other, reciprocity, intimacy, tenderness, stability, and a similarity between friends that is built with shared life. But marriage adds to all this an indissoluble exclusivity, which is expressed in the stable project of sharing and building our entire existence together. Let’s be honest and recognize the signs of reality: those who are in love do not consider that this relationship can only be for a time; Those who intensely experience the joy of getting married are not thinking about something temporary; Those who accompany the celebration of a union full of love, although fragile, hope that it can last over time; Children not only want their parents to love each other, but also to be faithful and always stay together. These and other signs show that in the very nature of marital love is the openness to the definitive. The union that crystallizes in the promise of marriage forever is more than a social formality or a tradition, because it is rooted in the spontaneous inclinations of the human person. And, for believers, it is an alliance before God that demands fidelity: «The Lord is a witness between you and the wife of your youth, whom you betrayed, since she was your companion, the woman of your alliance […] Do not betray the wife of your youth. For I hate rejection» (Ml 2,14.15-16). 124. A weak or sick love, incapable of accepting marriage as a challenge that requires fighting, being reborn, reinventing itself and always starting over until death, cannot sustain a high level of love. commitment. Give in to the culture of the provisional, which prevents a constant process of growth. But «promising a love forever is possible when we discover a plan that goes beyond our own projects, that sustains us and allows us to completely give our future to the loved one»[123]. That this love can go through all trials and remain faithful against everything, supposes the gift of grace that strengthens and elevates it. As Saint Robert Bellarmine said: «The fact that one is united with one in an indissoluble bond, so that they cannot be separated, whatever the difficulties, and even when the hope of offspring has been lost, this cannot occur without a great mystery»[124]. 125. Marriage, furthermore, is a friendship that includes the notes of passion, but always oriented towards an increasingly firm and intense union. Because «it has not been instituted only for procreation» but so that mutual love «may manifest, progress and mature according to a right order»[125]. This peculiar friendship between a man and a woman acquires a totalizing character that only occurs in a marital union. Precisely because it is totalizing, this union is also exclusive, faithful and open to the generation. Everything is shared, even sexuality, always with mutual respect. The Second Vatican Council expressed it by saying that «such love, associating at the same time the human and the divine, leads spouses to a free and mutual gift of themselves, verified by feelings.» and acts of tenderness, and permeates his entire life»[126]. Joy and beauty 126. In marriage it is important to take care of the joy of love. When the search for pleasure is obsessive, it locks us into one thing and makes us unable to find other types of satisfaction. Joy, on the other hand, expands the capacity to enjoy and allows us to find pleasure in varied realities, even in the stages of life where pleasure fades. That is why Saint Thomas said that the word «joy» is used to refer to the expansion of the breadth of the heart[127]. Marital joy, which can be lived even in the midst of pain, implies accepting that marriage is a necessary combination of joys and efforts, tensions and rest, sufferings and liberations, satisfactions and searches, annoyances and pleasures, always on the path of friendship, which moves spouses to take care of each other: «they provide mutual help and service»[128]. 127. The love of friendship is called «charity» when the «high value» that the other has is grasped and appreciated[129]. Beauty—the “high value” of the other, which does not coincide with their physical or psychological attractions—allows us to taste the sacredness of their person, without the imperative need to possess it. In the consumer society the aesthetic sense is impoverished, and thus joy is extinguished. Everything is to be bought, possessed or consumed; also people. Tenderness, on the other hand, is a manifestation of this love that is freed from the desire for selfish possession. It leads us to vibrate in front of a person with immense respect and with a certain fear of harming them or taking away their freedom. Love for another implies that pleasure of contemplating and valuing the beauty and sacredness of their personal being, which exists beyond my needs. This allows me to seek his good also when I know it cannot be mine or when he has become physically unpleasant, aggressive or annoying. Therefore, «it depends on the love by which one likes another person that one gives him something for free»[130]. 128. The aesthetic experience of love is expressed in that gaze that contemplates the other as an end in itself, even if they are sick, old or deprived of sensible attractions. The perspective that values is of enormous importance, and neglecting it is usually harmful. How many things spouses and children sometimes do to be noticed and taken into account! Many wounds and crises originate when we stop contemplating ourselves. That is what some complaints and claims heard in families express: «My husband doesn’t look at me, to him it seems like I’m invisible.» «Please look at me when I talk to you.» «My wife no longer looks at me, now she only has eyes for her children.» «In my house, no one cares about me, and they don’t even see me, as if I didn’t exist.» Love opens the eyes and allows us to see, beyond everything, how much a human being is worth. 129. The joy of that contemplative love has to be cultivated. Since we are made to love, we know that there is no greater joy than a shared good: «Give and receive, enjoy it” (Si 14,16). The most intense joys in life arise when you can provoke the happiness of others, in a foretaste of heaven. It is worth remembering the happy scene from the film Babette’s Feast, where the generous cook receives a grateful hug and praise: «How you will delight the angels!» The joy of causing delight in others, of seeing them enjoy, is sweet and comforting. That joy, the effect of brotherly love, is not that of the vanity of those who look at themselves, but that of the lover who takes pleasure in the good of the loved one, who pours himself into the other and becomes fruitful in him. 130. On the other hand, joy is renewed in pain. As Saint Augustine said: «The greater the danger in battle, the greater the joy in triumph»[131]. After having suffered and fought together, spouses can experience that it was worth it, because they achieved something good, learned something together, or because they can value what they have more. Few human joys are as deep and festive as when two people who love each other have achieved together something that cost them a great shared effort. Marrying for love 131. I want to tell young people that none of this is harmed when love takes over the channel of the marriage institution. The union finds in that institution the way to channel its stability and its real and concrete growth. It is true that love is much more than external consent or a kind of marriage contract, but It is also true that the decision to give marriage a visible configuration in society, with certain commitments, manifests its relevance: it shows the seriousness of identification with the other, indicates an overcoming of adolescent individualism, and expresses the firm option of belonging to one another. Getting married is a way of expressing that you have truly left your mother’s nest to forge other strong ties and assume a new responsibility towards another person. This is worth much more than a mere spontaneous association for mutual gratification, which would be a privatization of marriage. Marriage as a social institution is protection and a channel for mutual commitment, for the maturation of love, so that the option for the other grows in solidity, concreteness and depth, and in turn so that it can fulfill its mission in society. Therefore, marriage goes beyond all fads and persists. Its essence is rooted in the very nature of the human person and its social character. It involves a series of obligations, but they spring from love itself, a love so determined and generous that it is capable of risking the future. 132. Opting for marriage in this way expresses the real and effective decision to turn two paths into one path, no matter what happens and despite any challenge. Due to the seriousness of this public commitment of love, it cannot be a hasty decision, but for that same reason it cannot be postponed either. indefinitely. Committing to another in an exclusive and definitive way always has a share of risk and daring bet. The refusal to assume this commitment is selfish, interested, petty, it does not fully recognize the rights of the other and does not fully present them to society as worthy of being loved unconditionally. On the other hand, those who are truly in love tend to express their love to others. The love concretized in a marriage contracted before others, with all the commitments that derive from this institutionalization, is the manifestation and protection of a «yes» that is given without reservations and without restrictions. That is telling the other that they can always trust, that they will not be abandoned when they lose attractiveness, when there are difficulties or when new options for pleasure or selfish interests are offered. Love that manifests and grows 133. The love of friendship unifies all aspects of married life, and helps family members move forward at all stages. Therefore, the gestures that express that love must be constantly cultivated, without meanness, full of generous words. In the family «it is necessary to use three words. I would like to repeat it. Three words: permission, thank you, sorry. Three key words!»[132]. «When in a family you are not intrusive and ask for “permission”, when in a family you are not selfish and you learn to say “thank you”, and when in a family you realize that you did something wrong and know how to ask “sorry”, in that family there is peace and there is joy»[133]. Let us not be stingy in the use of these words, let us be generous in repeating them day after day, because «some silences weigh heavily, sometimes even in the family, between husband and wife, between parents and children, between siblings»[134]. On the other hand, the right words, said at the right time, protect and nourish love day after day. 134. All this is done in a path of permanent growth. This very particular form of love, which is marriage, is called to constant maturation, because we must always apply to it what Saint Thomas Aquinas said about charity: «Charity, by reason of its nature, has no limit of increase, since it is a participation in the infinite charity, which is the Holy Spirit […] Nor can a limit be preset by the subject, because as charity grows, the capacity for a higher increase also increases.»[135] Saint Paul strongly exhorted: «May the Lord make you progress and abound in love for one another» (1 Thes 3:12); and adds: «As for mutual love […] we urge you, brothers, to continue to progress more and more» (1 Thes 4:9-10). More and more. Marital love is not cared for first of all by talking about indissolubility as an obligation, or by repeating a doctrine, but by strengthening it thanks to constant growth under the impulse of grace. Love that does not grow begins to take risks, and we can only grow by responding to divine grace with more acts of love, with more frequent, more intense, more generous, more tender, more joyful acts of affection. The husband and wife «experiencing the meaning of their unity and achieving it more fully each day»[136]. The gift of divine love that is poured out on spouses is at the same time a call to a constant development of that gift of grace. 135. Some fantasies about an idyllic and perfect love, thus deprived of any stimulus to grow, are not good. A heavenly idea of earthly love forgets that the best is what has not yet been achieved, the wine matured with time. As the Bishops of Chile recalled, “there are no perfect families that fallacious and consumerist propaganda proposes to us. In them the years do not pass, there is no illness, pain or death […] Consumerist propaganda shows a fantasy that has nothing to do with the reality that the heads of households must face on a daily basis»[137]. It is healthier to realistically accept limits, challenges or imperfection, and listen to the call to grow together, to mature love and to cultivate the solidity of the union, no matter what happens. Dialogue 136. Dialogue is a privileged and indispensable way of living, expressing and maturing love in married and family life. But it involves a long and difficult learning process. Men and women, adults and young people, have different ways of communicating, they use different language, they move with other codes. The way of asking, the way of respond, the tone used, the moment and many other factors can condition the communication. Furthermore, it is always necessary to develop some attitudes that are an expression of love and make authentic dialogue possible. 137. Give yourself time, quality time, which consists of listening patiently and attentively, until the other has expressed everything they needed. This requires the asceticism of not starting to speak before the appropriate time. Instead of starting to give opinions or advice, make sure you have heard everything the other person needs to say. This involves making an inner silence to listen without noise in the heart or mind: getting rid of yourself in a hurry, putting aside your own needs and urgencies, making space. Many times one of the spouses does not need a solution to their problems, but rather to be listened to. You have to feel that your pain, your disappointment, your fear, your anger, your hope, your dream have been perceived. But complaints like these are frequent: “He doesn’t listen to me. «When it looks like he’s doing it, he’s actually thinking about something else.» «I talk and I feel like he’s waiting for me to get it over with.» «When I talk he tries to change the subject, or he gives me quick answers to close the conversation.» 138. Develop the habit of giving real importance to others. It is about valuing your person, recognizing that you have the right to exist, to think autonomously and to be happy. You should never downplay what you say or claim, even if it is necessary to express one’s own point of view. Underlying here is the conviction that everyone has something to contribute, because they have another experience of life, because they look from another point of view, because they have developed other concerns and have other abilities and intuitions. It is possible to recognize the truth of the other, the value of their deepest concerns and the background of what they say, even behind aggressive words. To do this, you have to try to put yourself in their place and interpret the depths of their heart, detect what they are passionate about, and take that passion as a starting point to deepen the dialogue. 139. Mental breadth, so as not to obsessively lock oneself in a few ideas, and flexibility to be able to modify or complete one’s opinions. It is possible that, from my thoughts and the thoughts of others, a new synthesis may emerge that enriches both of us. The unity to which we must aspire is not uniformity, but rather a “unity in diversity,” or a “reconciled diversity.” In this enriching style of fraternal communion, those who are different meet, respect and value each other, but maintaining diverse nuances and accents that enrich the common good. It is necessary to free oneself from the obligation to be equal. Cunning is also needed to notice in time the «interferences» that may appear, so that they do not destroy a dialogue process. For example, recognize the bad feelings that arise and relativize them so that they do not harm the communication. The ability to express what one feels without hurting is important; use a language and a way of speaking that can be more easily accepted or tolerated by the other, even if the content is demanding; raise one’s own claims but without releasing anger as a form of revenge, and avoid moralizing language that only seeks to attack, ironize, blame, hurt. Many arguments between couples are not about very serious issues. Sometimes it is about small, inconsequential things, but what alters spirits is the way of saying them or the attitude assumed in the dialogue. 140. Have gestures of concern for others and demonstrations of affection. Love overcomes the worst barriers. When you can love someone, or when we feel loved by them, we are able to better understand what they want to express and make us understand. Overcome the fragility that leads us to be afraid of others, as if they were a «competitor.» It is very important to base one’s security on deep choices, convictions or values, and not on winning an argument or being proven right. 141. Finally, let us recognize that for dialogue to be worthwhile we must have something to say, and that requires an inner richness that is nourished by reading, personal reflection, prayer and openness to society. Otherwise, conversations become boring and inconsistent. When neither spouse is cultivated and there is no variety of relationships with other people, life Family becomes endogamous and dialogue becomes impoverished. Passionate love 142. The Second Vatican Council teaches that this conjugal love “encompasses the good of the whole person, and, therefore, can enrich with a peculiar dignity the expressions of body and spirit, and ennoble them as special signs of conjugal friendship”[138]. There is a reason why a love without pleasure or passion is not enough to symbolize the union of the human heart with God: «All mystics have affirmed that supernatural love and celestial love find the symbols they seek in marital love, more than in friendship, more than in filial feeling or dedication to a cause. And the reason is precisely in its entirety»[139]. Why then not stop and talk about feelings and sexuality in marriage? The world of emotions 143. Desires, feelings, emotions, what the classics called «passions», have an important place in marriage. They occur when «other» becomes present and manifests in one’s life. It is characteristic of every living being to tend towards something else, and this tendency always has basic affective signals: pleasure or pain, joy or sorrow, tenderness or fear. They are the presupposition of the most basic psychological activity. The human being is a living being of this earth, and everything he does and seeks is loaded with passions. 144. Jesus, as a true man, lived things with a charge of emotion. That’s why it hurt rejection of Jerusalem (cf. Mt 23:37), and this situation brought tears to his eyes (cf. Lk 19:41). He also felt compassion for the suffering of the people (cf. Mc 6:34). Seeing others cry, he was moved and troubled (cf. Jn 11:33), and he himself mourned the death of a friend (cf. Jn 11:35). These manifestations of his sensitivity showed the extent to which his human heart was open to others. 145. Experiencing an emotion is neither morally good nor bad in itself[140]. Beginning to feel desire or rejection is neither sinful nor reprehensible. What is good or bad is the act that one performs motivated or accompanied by a passion. But if feelings are promoted, sought and, because of them, we commit bad actions, the evil lies in the decision to feed them and in the bad acts that follow. Along the same lines, liking someone does not in itself mean that they are good. If with that pleasure I seek that person to become my slave, the feeling will be at the service of my selfishness. Believing that we are good just because we «feel things» is a tremendous deception. There are people who feel capable of great love only because they have a great need for affection, but they do not know how to fight for the happiness of others and live locked in their own desires. In that case, feelings distract from great values and hide an egocentrism that does not make it possible to cultivate a healthy and happy family life. 146. On the other hand, if a passion accompanies the free act, it can express the depth of that option. Marital love leads to ensuring that all emotional life becomes a good for the family and is at the service of life together. Maturity comes to a family when the emotional life of its members is transformed into a sensitivity that does not dominate or obscure the great options and values but rather follows their freedom[141], springs from it, enriches it, embellishes it and makes it more harmonious for the good of all. God loves the joy of his children 147. This requires a pedagogical path, a process that includes renunciations. It is a conviction of the Church that has many times been rejected, as if it were the enemy of human happiness. Benedict XVI reflected this question with great clarity: «Does not the Church, with its precepts and prohibitions, turn the most beautiful thing in life into bitterness? Doesn’t he perhaps put up prohibition signs precisely where the joy, predisposed in us by the Creator, offers us a happiness that makes us taste something of the divine?»[142]. But he responded that, although there has been no lack of exaggerations or deviant asceticisms in Christianity, the official teaching of the Church, faithful to the Scriptures, did not reject «eros as such, but declared war on its destructive deviation, since the false divinization of eros […] deprives it of his divine dignity and dehumanizes him»[143]. 148. The education of emotionality and instinct is necessary, and for this it is sometimes essential set some limit. Excess, lack of control, obsession with a single type of pleasure end up weakening and making pleasure itself sick[144], and damage family life. You can truly take a beautiful path with your passions, which means directing them more and more in a project of self-donation and full self-realization, which enriches interpersonal relationships within the family. It does not imply giving up moments of intense joy[145], but rather assuming them as interwoven with other moments of generous surrender, of patient waiting, of inevitable fatigue, of effort for an ideal. Family life is all that and deserves to be lived in its entirety. 149. Some spiritual currents insist on eliminating desire to free oneself from pain. But we believe that God loves the joy of human beings, that he created everything «for us to enjoy» (1 Tim 6:17). Let us let joy arise in the face of his tenderness when he proposes to us: «Son, treat yourself well […] Do not deprive yourself of spending a happy day» (Si 14,11.14). A marriage also responds to the will of God by following this biblical invitation: «Rejoice in the happy day» (Qo 7,14). The point is to have the freedom to accept that pleasure finds other forms of expression at different moments in life, according to the needs of mutual love. In that sense, we can accept the proposal of some Eastern teachers who insist on expanding consciousness, so as not to remain trapped in a very limited experience that it closes our perspectives. This expansion of consciousness is not the denial or destruction of desire but rather its expansion and perfection. Erotic dimension of love 150. All this leads us to talk about the sexual life of marriage. God himself created sexuality, which is a wonderful gift for his creatures. When it is cultivated and its lack of control is avoided, it is to prevent the «impoverishment of an authentic value»[146]. Saint John Paul II rejected that the teaching of the Church leads to «a denial of the value of human sex», or that it simply tolerates it «for the very necessity of procreation»[147]. The sexual need of spouses is not an object of contempt, and «there is no question of questioning that need»[148]. 151. To those who fear that the education of passions and sexuality will harm the spontaneity of sexual love, Saint John Paul II responded that the human being «is called to the full and mature spontaneity of relationships», which «is the gradual fruit of the discernment of the impulses of one’s own heart»[149]. It is something that is conquered, since every human being «must learn with perseverance and consistency what the meaning of the body is.»[150] Sexuality is not a resource to gratify or entertain, since it is an interpersonal language where the other is taken seriously, with its sacred and inviolable value. Thus, «the human heart becomes a participant, so to speak, in another spontaneity»[151]. In this context, eroticism appears as a specifically human manifestation of sexuality. In it one can find “the nuptial meaning of the body and the authentic dignity of the gift”[152]. In his catechisms on the theology of the human body, he taught that sexual corporeality «is not only a source of fertility and procreation,» but also has «the capacity to express love: that love precisely in which the man-person becomes a gift»[153]. The healthiest eroticism, although it is linked to a search for pleasure, involves admiration, and that is why it can humanize impulses. 152. Therefore, in no way can we understand the erotic dimension of love as a permitted evil or as a burden to be tolerated for the good of the family, but rather as a gift from God that beautifies the encounter of spouses. Being a passion sublimated by a love that admires the dignity of the other, it becomes a «full and clean affirmation of love», which shows us what wonders the human heart is capable of and thus, for a moment, «one feels that human existence has been a success»[154]. Violence and manipulation 153. Within the context of this positive vision of sexuality, it is appropriate to raise the issue in its entirety and with healthy realism. Because we cannot ignore that sexuality is often depersonalized and also filled with pathologies, in such a way that «it becomes increasingly an occasion and instrument for affirming one’s own self and for the selfish satisfaction of one’s own desires and desires.» instincts»[155]. At this time it becomes very risky for sexuality to also be possessed by the poisonous spirit of «use and throw.» The body of the other is often manipulated, as a thing that is retained while it provides satisfaction and despised when it loses attractiveness. Can we ignore or conceal the constant forms of domination, arrogance, abuse, perversion and sexual violence, which are the product of a deviation from the meaning of sexuality and which bury the dignity of others and the call to love beneath a dark search for oneself? 154. It is worth remembering that, even within marriage, sexuality can become a source of suffering and manipulation. That is why we have to clearly reaffirm that “a marital act imposed on the spouse without considering their current situation and legitimate desires is not a true act of love; and therefore dispenses with a requirement of the right moral order in the relations between spouses»[156]. The acts proper to the sexual union of spouses respond to the nature of sexuality willed by God if they are lived «in a truly human way»[157]. For this reason, Saint Paul exhorted: «Let no one fail his brother or take advantage of him» (1 Thes 4:6). Although he was writing at a time when a patriarchal culture dominated, where women were considered completely subordinate to men, he nevertheless taught that sexuality should be a matter of conversation between spouses: He raised the possibility of postponing sexual relations for a time, but “by common agreement” (1 Cor 7:5). 155. Saint John Paul II gave a very subtle warning when he said that men and women are “threatened by insatiability”[158]. That is to say, they are called to an increasingly intense union, but the risk is in trying to erase the differences and that inevitable distance that exists between the two. Because each one has their own and non-transferable dignity. When the precious reciprocal belonging becomes a domain, «the structure of communion in the interpersonal relationship essentially changes»[159]. In the logic of domination, the dominator also ends up denying his own dignity[160], and ultimately stops «subjectively identifying with his own body»[161], since he removes all meaning from it. He lives sex as an escape from himself and as a renunciation of the beauty of union. 156. It is important to be clear in rejecting all forms of sexual submission. For this reason, it is important to avoid any inappropriate interpretation of the text of the letter to the Ephesians where it is requested that «women be subject to their husbands» (Eph 5:22). Saint Paul expresses himself here in cultural categories typical of that time, but we must not assume that cultural clothing, but rather the revealed message that underlies the entire pericope. Let us return to the wise explanation of Saint John Paul II: «Love excludes all types of submission, by virtue of which the woman would become servant or slave of the husband […] The community or unit that must be formed by marriage is realized through a reciprocal donation, which is also a mutual submission»[162]. That is why it is also said that «husbands should love their wives as their own bodies» (Eph 5:28). In reality, the biblical text invites us to overcome comfortable individualism to live in relation to others, «subject to one another» (Eph 5:21). In marriage, this reciprocal «submission» takes on a special meaning, and is understood as a freely chosen mutual belonging, with a set of notes of fidelity, respect and care. Sexuality is inseparably at the service of that marital friendship, because it is aimed at ensuring that the other lives fully. 157. However, the rejection of the deviations of sexuality and eroticism should never lead us to contempt or neglect. The ideal of marriage cannot be configured only as a generous and sacrificial donation, where each person renounces all personal needs and only cares about doing good to the other without any satisfaction. Let us remember that true love also knows how to receive from the other, it is capable of accepting itself as vulnerable and needy, it does not give up welcoming with sincere and happy gratitude the corporeal expressions of love in the caress, the hug, the kiss and the sexual union. Benedict XVI was clear about this: «If man pretended to be only spirit and wanted to reject the flesh as if it were an inheritance merely animal, spirit and body would lose their dignity»[163]. For this reason, «man cannot live exclusively on oblation, descending love. You cannot give only and always, you must also receive. «Whoever wants to give love must in turn receive it as a gift»[164]. This means, in any case, remembering that human balance is fragile, that something always remains that resists being humanized and that at any moment it can go out of control again, recovering its most primitive and selfish tendencies. Marriage and virginity 158. «Many people who live unmarried not only dedicate themselves to their family of origin, but often perform great services in their circle of friends, in the ecclesial community and in professional life […] Many, likewise, put their talents at the service of the Christian community in the form of charity and volunteering. Then there are those who do not marry because they consecrate their lives for the love of Christ and their brothers. Their dedication extraordinarily enriches the family, in the Church and in society»[165]. 159. Virginity is a way of loving. As a sign, it reminds us of the urgency of the Kingdom, the urgency of dedicating ourselves to the evangelizing service without reservation (cf. 1 Cor 7:32), and is a reflection of the fullness of heaven where «neither men will marry nor women take husbands» (Mt 22,30). Saint Paul recommended it because he hoped for a soon return of Jesus Christ, and he wanted everyone to concentrate only on evangelization: «The The moment is urgent» (1 Cor 7:29). However, he made it clear that it was a personal opinion or his desire (cf. 1 Cor 7:6-8) and not a request from Christ: «I have no precept from the Lord» (1 Cor 7:25). At the same time, he recognized the value of different callings: «everyone has his own gift from God, some in one way and others in another» (1 Cor 7:7). In this sense, Saint John Paul II said that the biblical texts «do not provide grounds to support either the «inferiority» of marriage, nor the «superiority» of virginity or celibacy»[166] due to sexual abstention. Rather than talking about the superiority of virginity in every sense, it seems appropriate to show that the different states of life complement each other, in such a way that one can be more perfect in some sense and another can be so from another point of view. Alexander of Hales, for example, expressed that, in a sense, marriage can be considered superior to the other sacraments, because it symbolizes something as great as «the union of Christ with the Church or the union of the divine nature with the human»[167]. 160. Therefore, «there is no question of diminishing the value of marriage for the benefit of continence»,[168], and «there is no basis for a supposed contrast […] If, in accordance with a certain theological tradition, one speaks of the state of perfection (status perfectionis), it is done not because of continence itself, but in relation to the whole of life founded on the evangelical counsels»[169]. But one married person can live charity to a very high degree. Then, “he reaches that perfection that springs from charity, through fidelity to the spirit of those counsels. This perfection is possible and accessible to each and every man»[170]. 161. Virginity has the symbolic value of love that does not need to possess another, and thus reflects the freedom of the Kingdom of Heaven. It is an invitation to spouses to live their conjugal love in the perspective of definitive love for Christ, as a common path towards the fullness of the Kingdom. At the same time, the love of spouses has other symbolic values: on the one hand, it is a peculiar reflection of the Trinity. The Trinity is full unity, but in which distinction also exists. Furthermore, the family is a Christological sign, because it manifests the closeness of God who shares the life of the human being by uniting with him in the Incarnation, the Cross and the Resurrection: each spouse becomes «one flesh» with the other and offers himself to share everything with him until the end. While virginity is an «eschatological» sign of the risen Christ, marriage is a «historical» sign for those of us who walk on earth, a sign of the earthly Christ who agreed to join us and gave himself up to give us his blood. Virginity and marriage are, and should be, different ways of loving, because «man cannot live without love. He remains an incomprehensible being for himself, his life is deprived of meaning if the meaning is not revealed to him. love»[171]. 162. Celibacy runs the risk of being a comfortable solitude, which gives freedom to move independently, to change places, tasks and options, to have one’s own money, to hang out with different people depending on the attraction of the moment. In that case, the testimony of married people shines. Those who have been called to virginity can find in some marriages a clear sign of God’s generous and unwavering fidelity to his Covenant, which stimulates their hearts to a more concrete and self-giving availability. Because there are married people who remain faithful when their spouse has become physically unpleasant, or when they do not satisfy their own needs, despite the fact that many offers invite infidelity or abandonment. A woman can care for her sick husband and there, next to the Cross, she once again says «yes» to her love until death. In that love the dignity of the lover is manifested in a dazzling way, dignity as a reflection of charity, since it is characteristic of charity to love, more than to be loved[172]. We can also notice in many families a capacity for selfless and tender service in the face of difficult and even ungrateful children. This makes these parents a sign of the free and selfless love of Jesus. All of this becomes an invitation to celibate people to live their dedication to the Kingdom with greater generosity and availability. Today, secularization has blurred the value of a union for life and has weakened the richness of marital commitment, which is why «it is necessary to delve deeper into the positive aspects of conjugal love»[173]. The transformation of love 163. The prolongation of life causes something to occur that was not common in other times: the intimate relationship and mutual belonging must be preserved for four, five or six decades, and this becomes a need to choose one another again and again. Perhaps the spouse is no longer passionate about an intense sexual desire that moves him towards the other person, but he feels the pleasure of belonging to him and that he belongs to him, of knowing that he is not alone, of having an «accomplice», who knows everything about his life and his history and who shares everything. It is the companion on the path of life with whom you can face difficulties and enjoy beautiful things. This also produces a satisfaction that accompanies the desire typical of conjugal love. We cannot promise to have the same feelings throughout our lives. On the other hand, we can have a stable common project, commit to loving each other and living together until death do us part, and always live a rich intimacy. The love we promise each other surpasses every emotion, feeling or state of mind, even though it may include them. It is a deeper love, with a decision of the heart that involves all of existence. Thus, in the midst of an unresolved conflict, and although many confusing feelings circulate in the heart, the decision to love, to belong, to share your entire life and to remain loving and forgiving. Each of the two takes a path of growth and personal change. In the middle of that path, love celebrates each step and each new stage. 164. In the history of a marriage, physical appearance changes, but this is no reason for love attraction to weaken. Someone falls in love with a whole person with their own identity, not just a body, although that body, beyond the wear and tear of time, never stops expressing in some way that personal identity that has captivated the heart. When others can no longer recognize the beauty of that identity, the spouse in love is still able to perceive it with the instinct of love, and affection does not disappear. He reaffirms his decision to belong to her, he chooses it again, and expresses that choice in a faithful closeness full of tenderness. The nobility of his option for her, because it is intense and profound, awakens a new form of emotion in the fulfillment of that marital mission. Because «the emotion provoked by another human being as a person […] does not in itself tend towards the marital act»[174]. It acquires other sensitive expressions, because love “is a single reality, although with different dimensions; Depending on the case, one or the other may stand out more»[175]. The bond finds new modalities and requires the decision to knead it again and again. But not only to preserve it, but to develop it. It is the path of build day by day. But none of this is possible if we do not invoke the Holy Spirit, if we do not cry out every day for his grace, if we do not seek his supernatural strength, if we do not ask him with desire to pour out his fire on our love to strengthen it, guide it and transform it in each new situation. Fifth Chapter LOVE THAT BECOME FERTILIZER 165. Love always gives life. For this reason, conjugal love «is not exhausted within the couple […] The spouses, while giving to each other, give beyond themselves the reality of the child, a living reflection of their love, a permanent sign of marital unity and a living and inseparable synthesis of the father and mother»[176]. Welcoming a new life 166. The family is the area not only of generation but also of welcoming the life that comes as a gift from God. Each new life «allows us to discover the most gratuitous dimension of love, which never ceases to surprise us. It is the beauty of being loved before: children are loved before they arrive»[177]. This reflects to us the primacy of the love of God who always takes the initiative, because children «are loved before having done anything to deserve it»[178]. However, «many children from the beginning are rejected, abandoned, their childhood and their future are stolen from them. Some dare to say, almost to justify themselves, that it was a mistake to have them come into the world. This is embarrassing! […] What do we do with the solemn declarations of human rights or the rights of the child, if later «Do we punish children for the mistakes of adults?»[179]. If a child comes into the world in unwanted circumstances, parents, or other family members, must do everything possible to accept him or her as a gift from God and to assume the responsibility of welcoming him or her with openness and affection. Because «when it comes to children coming into the world, no adult sacrifice will be considered too costly or too great, as long as it prevents a child from thinking that he is a mistake, that he is worthless and that he has been abandoned to the wounds of life and the arrogance of men»[180]. The gift of a new child, which the Lord entrusts to dad and mom, begins with reception, continues with custody throughout earthly life and has as its final destination the joy of eternal life. A serene look towards the ultimate fulfillment of the human person will make parents even more aware of the precious gift that has been entrusted to them. In fact, God has granted them the choice of the name by which he will call each of his children for all eternity[181]. 167. Large families are a joy for the Church. In them, love expresses its generous fertility. This does not mean forgetting a healthy warning from Saint John Paul II, when he explained that responsible parenthood is not «unlimited procreation or lack of awareness of what raising children entails, but rather the ability that spouses have to use their inviolable freedom in a wise and responsible manner, taking into account both the social and demographic realities, as well as their own situation and legitimate desires»[182]. Love in the expectation of pregnancy 168. Pregnancy is a difficult time, but it is also a wonderful time. The mother accompanies God so that the miracle of a new life may occur. Motherhood arises from a «particular potentiality of the female organism, which with creative peculiarity serves the conception and generation of the human being»[183]. Each woman participates in the “mystery of creation, which is renewed in human generation”[184]. It is as the Psalm says: «You have woven me together in my mother’s womb» (139:13). Each child that is formed within its mother is an eternal project of the Father God and his eternal love: «Before forming you in the womb, I chose you; Before you came out of your mother’s womb, I consecrated you» (Jer 1:5). Each child has always been in the heart of God, and the moment they are conceived the eternal dream of the Creator is fulfilled. Let’s think about how much that embryo is worth from the moment it is conceived. You have to look at it with those eyes of love of the Father, who looks beyond all appearance. 169. The pregnant woman can participate in this project of God by dreaming of her child: «Every mother and father dreamed of their child for nine months […] A family is not possible without dreaming. When the ability to dream is lost in a family, children do not grow, love does not grow, life weakens and fades away.»[185] Within that dream, for a Christian marriage, baptism necessarily appears. The parents prepare it with their prayer, giving their child to Jesus before his birth. 170. With the advances in science today it is possible to know in advance what hair color the child will have and what diseases he or she may suffer in the future, because all the somatic characteristics of that person are inscribed in their genetic code already in the embryonic state. But only the Father who created him knows him fully. Only he knows what is most valuable, what is most important, because he knows who that child is, what his deepest identity is. The mother who carries him in her womb needs to ask God for light to be able to know her own child in depth and to wait for him as he is. Some parents feel that their child does not arrive at the best time. They need to ask the Lord to heal them and strengthen them to fully accept that child, so that they can wait for him with their hearts. It is important that that child feels expected. He is not a complement or a solution to a personal concern. He is a human being, with immense value, and cannot be used for his own benefit. So, it is not important whether that new life will serve you or not, whether it has characteristics that you like or not, whether or not it responds to your projects and your dreams. Because «children are a gift. Each one is unique and unrepeatable […] A child is loved because he is a child, not because he is beautiful or because he is one way or another; No, because he is a son. Not because he thinks like I or embodies my desires. A son is a son»[186]. The love of parents is an instrument of the love of the Father God who tenderly awaits the birth of every child, accepts it without conditions and welcomes it freely. 171. I want to ask each pregnant woman with affection: Take care of your joy, let nothing take away the inner joy of motherhood. That child deserves your joy. Do not allow fears, worries, other people’s comments or problems to extinguish that happiness of being God’s instrument to bring new life to the world. Take care of what needs to be done or prepared, but without becoming obsessed, and praise like Mary: «My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God, my savior; because he has seen the humiliation of his servant” (Luke 1:46-48). Live that serene enthusiasm in the midst of your annoyances, and pray to the Lord to take care of your joy so that you can transmit it to your child. Love of a mother and father 172. «Children, as soon as they are born, begin to receive as a gift, along with food and care, confirmation of the spiritual qualities of love. Acts of love pass through the gift of the personal name, the shared language, the intentions of glances, the illuminations of smiles. They thus learn that the beauty of the bond between human beings points to our soul, seeks our freedom, accepts the diversity of the other, recognizes and respects him as an interlocutor […] and this is love, which brings a spark of the love of God»[187]. every child He has the right to receive the love of a mother and a father, both necessary for his complete and harmonious maturation. As the Australian Bishops said, both “contribute, each in a different way, to the upbringing of a child. Respecting the dignity of a child means affirming his need and natural right to a mother and a father”[188]. It is not only about the love of the father and the mother separately, but also the love between them, perceived as the source of their own existence, as a nest that welcomes and as the foundation of the family. Otherwise, the son seems to be reduced to a capricious possession. Both, man and woman, father and mother, are «cooperators of the love of God the Creator and in a certain way its interpreters»[189]. They show their children the maternal face and the paternal face of the Lord. Furthermore, together they teach the value of reciprocity, of the encounter between different people, where each one contributes their own identity and also knows how to receive from the other. If for some unavoidable reason one of the two is missing, it is important to find some way to compensate for it, to promote the proper maturation of the child. 173. The feeling of orphanhood that many children and young people experience today is deeper than we think. Today we recognize as very legitimate, and even desirable, that women want to study, work, develop their abilities and have personal goals. But, at the same time, we cannot ignore the need that children have for maternal presence, especially in the first months of life. The reality is that «the woman stands before the man as a mother, subject of the new human life that is conceived and develops in her, and from her is born into the world»[190]. The weakening of the maternal presence with its feminine qualities is a serious risk for our earth. I value feminism when it does not aim for uniformity or the denial of motherhood. Because the greatness of women implies all the rights that emanate from their inalienable human dignity, but also from their feminine genius, indispensable for society[191]. Her specifically feminine capacities—particularly motherhood—also grant her duties, because her being a woman also implies a peculiar mission on this earth, which society needs to protect and preserve for the good of all. 174. In fact, «mothers are the strongest antidote to the spread of selfish individualism […] They are the ones who bear witness to the beauty of life»[192]. Without a doubt, «a society without mothers would be an inhuman society, because mothers always know how to bear witness, even in the worst moments, to tenderness, dedication, and moral strength. Mothers also often transmit the deepest meaning of religious practice: in the first prayers, in the first gestures of devotion that a child learns[…] Without mothers, not only would there be no new believers, but faith would lose much of its simple and profound warmth. […] Dearest moms, thank you, thank you for what you are in the family and for what you give to the Church and the world»[193]. 175. The mother, who protects the child with her tenderness and compassion, helps him to awaken confidence, to experience that the world is a good place that welcomes him, and this allows him to develop self-esteem that favors the capacity for intimacy and empathy. The father figure, on the other hand, helps to perceive the limits of reality, and is characterized more by orientation, by the exit towards the broader and more challenging world, by the invitation to effort and struggle. A father with a clear and happy masculine identity, who in turn combines affection and protection in his treatment of women, is as necessary as maternal care. There are flexible roles and tasks that adapt to the specific circumstances of each family, but the clear and well-defined presence of the two figures, female and male, creates the most appropriate environment for the child’s maturation. 176. It is said that our society is a «fatherless society.» In Western culture, the figure of the father would be symbolically absent, diverted, faded. Even manhood seems questioned. An understandable confusion has occurred, because «at first this was perceived as a liberation: liberation from the father-patron, from the father as representative of the law that is imposed from outside, from the father as censor of the children’s happiness and obstacle to the emancipation and autonomy of young people. Sometimes, in the past, in some houses, authoritarianism reigned, in certain cases nothing less than abuse»[194]. But, “as often happens, we go from one extreme to another. The problem of our days no longer seems to be so much the intrusive presence of the father, but rather his absence, the fact of not being present. The father is sometimes so concentrated on himself and his work, and sometimes on his own individual achievements, that he forgets even the family. And leave the little ones and the young alone”[195]. The paternal presence, and therefore his authority, is also affected by the increasing time dedicated to the media and distraction technology. Today, furthermore, authority is placed under suspicion and adults are crudely questioned. They themselves abandon certainties and that is why they do not give safe and well-founded guidance to their children. It is not healthy for roles to be exchanged between parents and children, which damages the proper maturation process that children need to go through and denies them a guiding love that helps them mature[196]. 177. God places the father in the family so that, with the valuable characteristics of his masculinity, “he can be close to the wife, to share everything, joys and pains, fatigue and hopes. And let it be close to the children in their growth: when they play and when they are busy, when they are carefree and when they are distressed, when they express themselves and when they are taciturn, when they launch themselves and when They are afraid, when they take a wrong step and when they find their way again; Father present, always. Saying present is not the same as saying controller. Because parents who are too controlling cancel out their children»[197]. Some parents feel useless or unnecessary, but the truth is that «children need to find a father who waits for them when they return from their failures. They will do everything not to admit it, to not let it be seen, but they need it»[198]. It is not good for children to be left without parents and thus stop being children before their time. Increased fertility 178. Many married couples are unable to have children. We know how much you suffer for it. On the other hand, we also know that «marriage has not been instituted solely for procreation […] Therefore, although offspring, so desired, are often missing, marriage, as friendship and communion of all life, continues to exist and retains its value and indissolubility»[199]. Furthermore, «motherhood is not an exclusively biological reality, but is expressed in various ways»[200]. 179. Adoption is a path to realizing motherhood and fatherhood in a very generous way, and I want to encourage those who cannot have children to be magnanimous and open their marital love to receive those who are deprived of an adequate family context. They will never regret having been generous. Adopting is the act of love of giving a family to someone who doesn’t have one. It is important to insist that the legislation can facilitate adoption procedures, especially in cases of unwanted children, in order to prevent abortion or abandonment. Those who take on the challenge of adopting and welcome a person unconditionally and freely, become mediations of that love of God who says: «Even if your mother forgot you, I would never forget you» (Is 49:15). 180. «The option of adoption and foster care expresses a particular fruitfulness of the marital experience, not only in the cases of spouses with fertility problems […] Faced with situations in which the child is loved at any price, as a right to self-affirmation, adoption and foster care, understood correctly, show an important aspect of being parents and being children, in that they help to recognize that children, both natural and adopted or fostered, are other subjects in themselves and that we need to receive them, love them, take care of them and not just bring them into the world. The best interests of the child must take precedence in the adoption and foster care processes»[201]. On the other hand, «trafficking of children between countries and continents must be stopped through timely legislative measures and state control»[202]. 181. It is also worth remembering that procreation or adoption are not the only ways to experience the fertility of love. Even the family with many children is called to leave its mark on the society where it is inserted, to develop other forms of fertility that are like extension of the love that sustains it. Christian families must not forget that «faith does not distance us from the world, but rather draws us deeper into it […] Each one of us has a special role to play in preparing for the coming of the Kingdom of God»[203]. The family should not think of itself as an enclosure called to protect itself from society. He does not wait, but goes out of himself in a solidarity search. Thus it becomes a nexus of integration between the person and society and a meeting point between the public and the private. Married couples need to acquire a clear and convinced awareness of their social duties. When this happens, the affection that unites them does not diminish, but is filled with new light, as expressed in the following verses: «Your hands are my caress, my daily chords, I love you because your hands work for justice. If I love you it is because you are my love, my accomplice and everything, and on the street side by side we are much more than two.”[204] 182. No family can be fruitful if it is conceived as too different or «separate.» To avoid this risk, let us remember that Jesus’ family, full of grace and wisdom, was not seen as a «strange» family, as a strange home far from the people. That is why people had a hard time recognizing the wisdom of Jesus and said: «Where does he get all this from? […] Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary?» (Mk 6,2-3). «Isn’t he the carpenter’s son?» (Mk 6,2-3). «Isn’t this the son of the carpenter? (Mt 13:55). This confirms that it was a simple family, close to everyone, integrated normally into the town. Jesus also did not grow up in a closed and absorbing relationship with Mary and Joseph, but moved gladly in the extended family, which included relatives and friends. This explains that, when they returned from Jerusalem, his parents accepted that the twelve-year-old boy was lost in the caravan for a whole day, listening to the stories and sharing everyone’s concerns: «Believing that he was in the caravan, they traveled one day’s journey» (Lk 2:44). However, sometimes it happens that some Christian families, because of the language they use, the way they say things, the style of their treatment, the constant repetition of two or three themes, are seen as distant, as separated from society, and even their own relatives feel despised or judged by them. 183. A couple that experiences the strength of love knows that this love is called to heal the wounds of the abandoned, to establish the culture of encounter, to fight for justice. God has entrusted to the family the project of making the world «domestic»[205], so that everyone comes to feel each human being as a brother: «An attentive look at the daily life of men and women today immediately shows the need that exists everywhere for a robust injection of family spirit […] Not only is the organization of common life increasingly challenged with a bureaucracy completely foreign to fundamental human unions, but even social and political customs often show signs of degradation»[206]. On the other hand, open and supportive families make room for the poor, they are capable of forging friendships with those who are having a worse time than them. If you really care about the Gospel, you cannot forget what Jesus says: «As you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me» (Mt 25:40). In short, they live what is asked of us so eloquently in this text: «When you give a lunch or dinner, do not call your friends, nor your brothers, nor your relatives, nor your rich neighbors. Because if they invite you later, that will be your reward. When you give a banquet, call the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed” (Luke 14:12-14). You will be happy! Here is the secret of a happy family. 184. With testimony, and also with words, families speak about Jesus to others, transmit faith, awaken the desire for God, and show the beauty of the Gospel and the lifestyle it proposes to us. Thus, Christian couples paint the gray of public space, filling it with the color of fraternity, social sensitivity, defense of the fragile, luminous faith, active hope. Its fruitfulness expands and translates into thousands of ways of making God’s love present in society. Discern the body 185. Along these lines, it is convenient to take very seriously a biblical text that is usually interpreted outside of its context, or in a very general way, which can neglect its most immediate and direct meaning, which is markedly social. This is 1 Cor 11:17-34, where Saint Paul faces a shameful situation in the community. There, some well-to-do people tended to discriminate against the poor, and this occurred even in the agape that accompanied the celebration of the Eucharist. While the rich tasted their delicacies, the poor were left looking and without anything to eat: Thus, «one is hungry, the other is drunk. Don’t you have houses where you can eat and drink? Or do you think so little of the Church of God that you humiliate the poor? (vv. 21-22). 186. The Eucharist demands integration into a single ecclesial body. Whoever approaches the Body and Blood of Christ cannot at the same time offend this same Body by causing scandalous divisions and discriminations among its members. It is, therefore, a matter of «discerning» the Body of the Lord, of recognizing it with faith and charity, both in sacramental signs and in the community; otherwise, one eats and drinks one’s own condemnation (cf. v. 11, 29). This biblical text is a serious warning for families who close themselves in their own comfort and isolate themselves, but more particularly for families who remain indifferent to the suffering of the poor and most needy families. The Eucharistic celebration It thus becomes a constant call for “each one to examine himself” (v. 28) in order to open the doors of one’s own family to greater communion with the disposable of society, and, then, to receive the Sacrament of Eucharistic love that makes us one body. We must not forget that «the “mystique” of the Sacrament has a social character»[207]. When those who take communion resist being moved into a commitment to the poor and suffering, or consent to different forms of division, contempt and inequality, the Eucharist is received unworthily. On the other hand, families that feed on the Eucharist with adequate disposition reinforce their desire for fraternity, their social sense and their commitment to those in need. Life in the large family 187. The small family unit should not be isolated from the extended family, where there are parents, uncles, cousins, and even neighbors. In that large family there may be some in need of help, or at least company and gestures of affection, or there may be great suffering that needs consolation[208]. The individualism of these times sometimes leads to locking oneself in a small nest of security and feeling others as an annoying danger. However, this isolation does not bring more peace and happiness, but rather closes the heart of the family and deprives it of the breadth of existence. Being children 188. First of all, let’s talk about the parents themselves. Jesus reminded the Pharisees that the abandonment of the parents is against the Law of God (cf. Mc 7,8-13). It does no one any good to lose the awareness of being a son. In each person, «even when one reaches the age of adult or elderly, even if one becomes a father, if one occupies a place of responsibility, underneath all this remains the identity of a son. We are all children. And this always brings us back to the fact that we have not given life to ourselves but rather we have received it. The great gift of life is the first gift that has been given to us»[209]. 189. Therefore, «the fourth commandment asks children […] to honor their father and mother (cf. Ex 20:12). This commandment comes immediately after those that refer to God himself. Indeed, it contains something sacred, something divine, something that is at the root of any other type of respect between men. And in the biblical formulation of the fourth commandment it is added: “so that your days may be prolonged in the land that the Lord, your God, is going to give you.” The virtuous bond between generations is a guarantee of the future, and is a guarantee of a truly human history. A society of children who do not honor their parents is a society without honor […] It is a society destined to be populated by unpleasant and greedy young people»[210]. 190. But the coin has another side: «A man will abandon his father and his mother» (Gen 2:24), says the Word of God. This is sometimes not fulfilled, and the marriage is not fully accepted because that renunciation and surrender has not been made. The Parents should not be abandoned or neglected, but to unite in marriage they must be left, so that the new home is the dwelling place, the protection, the platform and the project, and it is possible to truly become «one flesh» (ibid.). In some marriages it happens that many things are hidden from the spouse themselves, which are instead discussed with their own parents, to the point that the opinions of the parents matter more than the feelings and opinions of the spouse. It is not easy to sustain this situation for a long time, and it is only possible temporarily, while the conditions are created to grow in trust and communication. Marriage challenges us to find a new way of being children. The elderly 191. «Do not reject me now in my old age, my strength is failing, do not abandon me» (Ps 71:9). It is the cry of the old man, who fears oblivion and contempt. Just as God invites us to be his instruments to hear the plea of the poor, he also expects us to hear the cry of the elderly[211]. This challenges families and communities, because “the Church cannot and does not want to conform to a mentality of intolerance, much less indifference and contempt, with respect to old age. We must awaken the collective sense of gratitude, appreciation, and hospitality that makes the elderly feel a living part of their community. The elderly are men and women, fathers and mothers who were before us on the same path, in our same house, in our daily battle for a dignified life»[212]. For this reason, «how much I would like a Church that challenges the throwaway culture with the overflowing joy of a new embrace between the young and the elderly!»[213]. 192. Saint John Paul II invited us to pay attention to the place of the elderly in the family, because there are cultures that, «as a consequence of disorderly industrial and urban development, have led and continue to lead the elderly to unacceptable forms of marginalization»[214]. The elderly help to perceive «the continuity of generations», with «the charisma of serving as a bridge»[215]. Many times it is the grandparents who ensure the transmission of great values to their grandchildren, and «many people can recognize that they owe precisely to their grandparents their initiation into the Christian life»[216]. Their words, their caresses or their mere presence help children recognize that history does not begin with them, that they are heirs of an old path and that it is necessary to respect the background that precedes us. Those who break ties with history will have difficulties creating stable relationships and recognizing that they are not the owners of reality. So, “care for the elderly speaks of the quality of a civilization. Is attention paid to the elderly in a civilization? Is there room for the elderly? This civilization will continue if it knows how to respect the wisdom, the wisdom of the elderly.»[217] 193. The absence of historical memory is a serious defect of our society. It is the immature “it was already” mentality. Knowing and being able to take a position regarding past events is the only possibility of building a meaningful future. You cannot educate without memory: «Remember those first days» (Heb 10:32). The narratives of the elderly do a lot of good for children and young people, since they connect them with the lived history of both the family, the neighborhood and the country. A family that does not respect and care for its grandparents, who are its living memory, is a disintegrated family; but a family that remembers is a family with a future. Therefore, «in a civilization in which there is no place for the elderly or they are discarded because they create problems, this society carries with it the virus of death»[218], since «it tears itself from its own roots»[219]. The phenomenon of contemporary orphanhood, in terms of discontinuity, uprooting and the fall of the certainties that shape life, challenges us to make our families a place where children can take root in the soil of a collective history. Being brothers 194. The relationship between brothers deepens with the passage of time, and «the bond of brotherhood that is formed in the family between children, if it occurs in a climate of education open to others, is a great school of freedom and peace. In the family, among brothers, we learn human coexistence […] Perhaps we are not always aware of it, but it is precisely the family that introduces brotherhood to the world. From this first experience of brotherhood, nourished by affection and family education, the style of brotherhood radiates like a promise over the entire society»[220]. 195. Growing up among siblings provides the beautiful experience of caring for each other, helping and being helped. For this reason, “brotherhood in the family shines in a special way when we see the care, patience, and affection with which the weakest, sick, or disabled little brother or sister is surrounded”[221]. It must be recognized that «having a brother, a sister who loves you, is a strong, priceless, irreplaceable experience»[222], but children must be patiently taught to treat each other as siblings. This learning, sometimes costly, is a true school of sociability. In some countries there is a strong tendency to have only one child, so the experience of being a sibling begins to be uncommon. In cases where it has not been possible to have more than one child, ways will have to be found so that the child does not grow up alone or isolated. A big heart 196. In addition to the small circle made up of spouses and their children, there is the large family that cannot be ignored. Because «the love between a man and a woman in marriage and, derivatively and more broadly, the love between members of the same family – between parents and children, between brothers and sisters, between relatives and relatives – is animated and driven by a dynamic interior and incessant that leads the family to an ever deeper and more intense communion, foundation and soul of the conjugal and family community»[223]. Friends and friendly families are also integrated there, and even communities of families that support each other in their difficulties, in their social commitment and in their faith. 197. This large family should lovingly integrate teenage mothers, children without parents, single women who must carry out the education of their children, people with disabilities who require a lot of affection and closeness, young people who struggle with addiction, single, separated or widowed people who suffer from loneliness, the elderly and sick who do not receive the support of their children, and within it there is a place for «even the most disastrous in the behavior of their children.» life»[224]. It can also help compensate for the frailties of parents, or detect and report in time possible situations of violence or even abuse suffered by children, giving them healthy love and family guardianship when their parents cannot ensure it. 198. Finally, we cannot forget that in this large family there are also the father-in-law, the mother-in-law and all the relatives of the spouse. A delicacy of love consists of avoiding seeing them as competitors, as dangerous beings, as invaders. The marital union requires respecting their traditions and customs, trying to understand their language, containing criticism, taking care of them and integrate them in some way into one’s own heart, even when the legitimate autonomy and intimacy of the couple must be preserved. These attitudes are also an exquisite way of expressing the generosity of loving dedication to one’s spouse. Chapter Six SOME PASTORAL PERSPECTIVES 199. The dialogue of the synodal path led to the need to develop new pastoral paths, which I will now try to collect in a general way. It will be the different communities who will have to develop more practical and effective proposals, which take into account both the teachings of the Church and local needs and challenges. Without intending to present here a pastoral care of the family, I just want to stop to collect some of the great pastoral challenges. Announce the Gospel of the family today 200. The Synod Fathers insisted that Christian families, through the grace of the nuptial sacrament, are the main subjects of family pastoral care, above all by providing «the joyful witness of spouses and families, domestic churches»[225]. For this reason, they stressed that “it is about making people experience that the Gospel of the family is joy that “fills the heart and the entire life,” because in Christ we are “freed from sin, from sadness, from inner emptiness, from isolation” (Evangelii gaudium, 1). In light of the parable of the sower (cf. Mt 13:3-9), our task is to cooperate in the sowing: the rest is the work of God. Nor should we forget that the A Church that preaches about the family is a sign of contradiction»[226], but couples are grateful that pastors offer them motivations for a brave commitment to a strong, solid, lasting love, capable of facing everything that comes their way. The Church wants to reach families with humble understanding, and her desire «is to accompany each and every family so that they can discover the best way to overcome the difficulties that lie in their path»[227]. It is not enough to incorporate a generic concern for the family in large pastoral projects. In order for families to be increasingly active subjects of family pastoral care, «an evangelizing and catechetical effort directed at the family»[228] is required, which guides them in this sense. 201. «This requires a missionary conversion from the entire Church: it is necessary not to remain a merely theoretical announcement unrelated to the real problems of people»[229]. Family pastoral care “must make people experience that the Gospel of the family responds to the deepest expectations of the human person: to their dignity and full fulfillment in reciprocity, communion and fruitfulness. It is not just about presenting regulations, but about proposing values, responding to the need that is seen today, even in the most secularized countries, for such values»[230]. Also «the need for an evangelization that frankly denounces the cultural, social, political and economic conditions, such as the excessive space granted to market logic, which prevent an authentic family life, determining discrimination, poverty, exclusions and violence. To do this, we must establish dialogue and cooperation with social structures, as well as encourage and support lay people who are committed, as Christians, in the cultural and socio-political spheres»[231]. 202. «The main contribution to family pastoral care is offered by the parish, which is a family of families, where the contributions of small communities, movements and ecclesial associations are harmonized»[232]. Along with a pastoral care specifically oriented to families, we are faced with the need for «a more adequate formation of priests, deacons, men and women religious, catechists and other pastoral agents»[233]. In responses to consultations sent around the world, it has been highlighted that ordained ministers often lack adequate training to deal with today’s complex family problems. In this sense, the experience of the long Eastern tradition of married priests can also be useful. 203. Seminarians should access broader interdisciplinary training on dating and marriage, and not only in terms of doctrine. Furthermore, training does not always allow them to unfold their psycho-affective world. Some carry over their lives the experience of their own wounded family, with absence of parents and emotional instability. Maturation will have to be guaranteed during formation so that future ministers have the psychological balance that their task demands of them. Family ties are essential to strengthen the healthy self-esteem of seminarians. For this reason, it is important that families accompany the entire seminary and priesthood process, since they help to strengthen it in a realistic way. In that sense, it is healthy to combine some time of life in the seminary with another of life in parishes, which allows for greater contact with the concrete reality of families. Indeed, throughout his pastoral life the priest encounters above all with families. «The presence of lay people and families, particularly the female presence, in priestly formation, favors appreciation for the variety and complementarity of the various vocations in the Church»[234]. 204. The responses to the queries also insistently express the need for the training of lay family pastoral agents with the help of educational psychologists, family doctors, community doctors, social workers, minority and family lawyers, with openness to receiving contributions from psychology, sociology, sexology, and even counseling. Professionals, especially those with accompaniment experience, help embody pastoral proposals in real situations and concerns. specificities of families. «Training paths and courses specifically designed for pastoral workers will be able to make them suitable for inserting the same path of preparation for marriage into the broader dynamic of ecclesial life»[235]. Good pastoral training is important «especially in view of the particular emergency situations arising from cases of domestic violence and sexual abuse»[236]. All of this in no way diminishes, but complements, the fundamental value of spiritual direction, of the invaluable spiritual resources of the Church and of sacramental Reconciliation. Guiding the engaged on the path of preparation for marriage 205. The Synod Fathers have said in various ways that we need to help young people discover the value and richness of marriage[237]. They must be able to perceive the attraction of a full union that elevates and perfects the social dimension of existence, gives sexuality its greatest meaning, while promoting the good of children and offering them the best context for their maturation and education. 206. «The complex social reality and the challenges that the family is called to face today require a greater commitment from the entire Christian community in the preparation of those engaged for marriage. It is necessary to remember the importance of virtues. Among these, chastity is a precious condition for the genuine growth of interpersonal love. Regarding this need, The Synod Fathers were in agreement in underlining the demand for greater involvement of the entire community, privileging the testimony of families, in addition to rooting the preparation for marriage in the path of Christian initiation, emphasizing the link between marriage and baptism and the other sacraments. Likewise, the need for specific programs for preparation for marriage that are an authentic experience of participation in ecclesial life and delve into the various aspects of family life were highlighted.»[238] 207. I invite Christian communities to recognize that accompanying the couple’s journey of love is good for themselves. As the Bishops of Italy rightly said, those who marry are for their Christian community «a precious resource, because, by sincerely endeavoring to grow in love and reciprocal gift, they can contribute to renewing the very fabric of the entire ecclesial body: the particular form of friendship that they live can become contagious, and make the Christian community of which they are part grow in friendship and fraternity»[239]. There are various legitimate ways to organize preparation for marriage, and each local Church will discern what is best, seeking adequate formation that at the same time does not distance young people from the sacrament. It is not about giving them the entire Catechism or saturating them with too many topics. Because here it is also valid that «not the Much knowledge is enough and satisfies the soul, but rather the feeling and taste of things internally»[240]. Quality is more important than quantity, and priority must be given—along with a renewed announcement of the kerygma—to those contents that, communicated in an attractive and cordial manner, help them commit to a lifelong path “with great spirit and liberality”[241]. It is a kind of «initiation» to the sacrament of marriage that provides them with the necessary elements to be able to receive it with the best dispositions and begin family life with a certain solidity. 208. It is also advisable to find ways, through missionary families, the couple’s own families and various pastoral resources, to offer remote preparation that matures the love they have for each other, with close and testimonial accompaniment. Couple groups and offers of optional talks on a variety of topics that really interest young people are often very useful. However, some personalized moments are essential, because the main objective is to help each person learn to love this specific person with whom they intend to share their entire life. Learning to love someone is not something that is improvised nor can it be the objective of a short course prior to the celebration of marriage. In reality, each person prepares for marriage from birth. Everything his family gave him should allow him to learn from his own history and enable you for a full and definitive commitment. Probably those who arrive at marriage best prepared are those who have learned from their own parents what a Christian marriage is, where both have chosen each other without conditions, and continue to renew that decision. In that sense, all pastoral actions aimed at helping couples grow in love and live the Gospel in the family are invaluable help for their children to prepare for their future married life. Nor should we forget the valuable resources of popular pastoral care. To give a simple example, I remember Valentine’s Day, which in some countries is better spent by merchants than by the creativity of shepherds. 209. The preparation of those who have already formalized a courtship, when the parish community manages to accompany them well in advance, should also give them the possibility of recognizing incompatibilities or risks. In this way, one can come to realize that it is not reasonable to bet on that relationship, so as not to expose oneself to a foreseeable failure that will have very painful consequences. The problem is that the initial dazzle leads to trying to hide or relativize many things, avoiding disagreement, and thus only pushing the difficulties forward. The couple should be encouraged and helped so that they can talk about what each of them expects from a possible marriage, their way of understanding what love and commitment are, what what is desired from the other, the type of life in common that one would like to project. These conversations can help you see that in reality there are few points of contact, and that mere mutual attraction will not be enough to sustain the union. Nothing is more volatile, precarious and unpredictable than desire, and a decision to marry should never be encouraged if other motivations have not been explored that give that commitment real possibilities of stability. 210. In any case, if the weak points of the other are clearly recognized, it is necessary that there be realistic confidence in the possibility of helping them develop the best of their person to counteract the weight of their frailties, with a firm interest in promoting them as a human being. This implies accepting with solid will the possibility of facing some resignations, difficult moments and conflictive situations, and the firm decision to prepare for it. Danger signs that the relationship could have must be detected, to find resources before marriage that will allow them to be faced successfully. Unfortunately, many arrive at the nuptials without knowing each other. They have only had fun together, they have had experiences together, but they have not faced the challenge of showing themselves and learning who the other really is. 211. Both the immediate preparation and the longer accompaniment must ensure that the bride and groom do not see marriage as the end of the road, but rather that they assume marriage as a vocation that launches them forward, with the firm and realistic decision to go through all the trials and difficult moments together. Premarital pastoral care and marriage ministry must be, above all, a pastoral care of the bond, where elements are provided that help both to mature love and to overcome difficult moments. These contributions are not only doctrinal convictions, they cannot even be reduced to the precious spiritual resources that the Church always offers, but they must also be practical paths, well-incarnated advice, tactics taken from experience, psychological orientations. All of this configures a pedagogy of love that cannot ignore the current sensitivity of young people, in order to mobilize them internally. At the same time, when preparing the bride and groom, it must be possible to indicate places and people, consultancies or available families, where they can go for help when difficulties arise. But we must never forget the proposal of sacramental Reconciliation, which allows us to place the sins and errors of the past life, and of the relationship itself, under the influence of God’s merciful forgiveness and his healing power. Preparation for the celebration 212. Preparation for marriage tends to focus on invitations, clothing, the party and the countless details that consume both the budget, energy and joy. The bride and groom arrive at the wedding overwhelmed and exhausted, instead of Dedicate your best efforts to preparing as a couple for the big step you are going to take together. This mentality is also reflected in some de facto unions that never reach marriage because they think about too expensive celebrations, instead of giving priority to mutual love and its formalization before others. Dear couple: «Have the courage to be different, do not let yourselves be devoured by the society of consumption and appearance. What matters is the love that unites you, strengthened and sanctified by grace. «You are capable of opting for an austere and simple celebration, to place love above all.» Pastoral workers and the entire community can help make this priority the norm and not the exception. 213. In the most immediate preparation it is important to enlighten the couple to live the liturgical celebration very deeply, helping them to perceive and live the meaning of each gesture. Let us remember that a commitment as great as that expressed by marital consent, and the union of bodies that consummates marriage, when it involves two baptized people, can only be interpreted as signs of the love of the Son of God made flesh and united with his Church in an alliance of love. In the baptized, words and gestures become an eloquent language of faith. The body, with the meanings that God wanted to instill in it when creating it «becomes the language of the ministers of the sacrament, aware that in the covenant marital relationship is manifested and the mystery is realized»[242]. 214. Sometimes, couples do not perceive the theological and spiritual weight of consent, which illuminates the meaning of all subsequent gestures. It is necessary to emphasize that these words cannot be reduced to the present; they imply a totality that includes the future: «until death do us part.» The meaning of consent shows that “freedom and fidelity are not opposed, rather they support each other, both in interpersonal and social relationships. Indeed, let us think about the damage caused, in the civilization of global communication, by the inflation of unfulfilled promises […] The honor of the word given, fidelity to the promise, cannot be bought or sold. They cannot be imposed by force, but neither can they be guarded without sacrifice.»[243] 215. The Kenyan bishops warned that, “too focused on the wedding day, future spouses forget that they are preparing for a lifelong commitment.”[244] We must help to realize that the sacrament is not just a moment that later becomes part of the past and memories, because it exerts its influence on the entire married life, permanently[245]. The procreative meaning of sexuality, the language of the body, and the gestures of love experienced in the history of a marriage become an «uninterrupted continuity of liturgical language» and «married life becomes, at some point.» meaning, liturgy»[246]. 216. You can also meditate with biblical readings and enrich your understanding of the rings that are exchanged, or other signs that are part of the rite. But it would not be good to get married without having prayed together, one for the other, asking God for help to be faithful and generous, asking God together what he expects of them, and even consecrating their love before an image of Mary. Those who accompany them in preparing for marriage should guide them so that they know how to live those moments of prayer that can do them a lot of good. «The wedding liturgy is a unique event, which is experienced in the family and social context of a party. Jesus began his miracles at the wedding banquet in Cana: the good wine of the Lord’s miracle, which encourages the birth of a new family, is the new wine of Christ’s Covenant with men and women of all times […] Generally, the celebrant has the opportunity to address an assembly composed of people who participate little in ecclesial life or who belong to another Christian confession or religious community. Therefore, it is an unmissable opportunity to announce the Gospel of Christ”[247]. Accompanying the first years of married life 217. We have to recognize as a great value the understanding that marriage is a matter of love, that only those who freely choose and love each other can marry. However, when love turns into a mere attraction or a diffuse affectivity, this causes spouses to suffer extraordinary fragility when the affectivity goes into crisis or when the physical attraction declines. Since these confusions are frequent, it becomes essential to accompany them in the first years of married life to enrich and deepen the conscious and free decision to belong and love each other until the end. Many times, the dating time is not enough, the decision to marry is rushed for various reasons and, as if that were not enough, the maturation of young people has been delayed. So, the newlyweds have to complete that process that should have been done during the courtship. 218. On the other hand, I want to insist that a challenge of marriage pastoral care is to help discover that marriage cannot be understood as something finished. The union is real, it is irrevocable, and it has been confirmed and consecrated by the sacrament of marriage. But by coming together, spouses become protagonists, owners of their story and creators of a project that must be carried out together. The gaze is directed to the future that must be built day by day with the grace of God and, for this reason, the spouse is not required to be perfect. We must put aside illusions and accept it as it is: unfinished, called to grow, in process. When the gaze towards the spouse is constantly critical, this indicates that marriage has not also been assumed as a project to build together, with patience, understanding, tolerance and generosity. This leads to love being replaced little by little by an inquisitive and implacable gaze, by the control of each person’s merits and rights, by claims, competition and self-defense. Thus they become incapable of taking care of each other for the maturation of both and for the growth of the union. New couples must be shown this with realistic clarity from the beginning, so that they become aware that they are «beginning.» The yes that they gave is the beginning of an itinerary, with an objective capable of overcoming whatever the circumstances pose and the obstacles that stand in the way. The blessing received is a grace and an impulse for that always open path. It usually helps if they sit down to talk to develop their specific project in terms of its objectives, its instruments, its details. 219. I remember a saying that said that stagnant water becomes corrupted, it spoils. This is what happens when that life of love in the first years of marriage stagnates, stops being in motion, stops having that restlessness that pushes it forward. The dance forward with that young love, the dance with those wondering eyes towards hope, must not stop. In courtship and in the first years of marriage, hope is what carries the strength of the leaven, what makes us look beyond contradictions, conflicts, situations, what It always makes you see further. It is what sets in motion all concern to stay on a path of growth. The same hope invites us to live fully in the present, putting our heart in family life, because the best way to prepare and consolidate the future is to live well in the present. 220. The path involves going through different stages that call for giving oneself generously: from the initial impact, characterized by a markedly sensitive attraction, one moves on to the need for the other perceived as part of one’s own life. From there we move on to the taste of mutual belonging, then to the understanding of one’s entire life as a project for both, to the ability to put the happiness of the other above one’s own needs, and to the joy of seeing one’s own marriage as a good for society. The maturation of love also involves learning to «negotiate.» It is not an interested attitude or a commercial game, but ultimately an exercise of mutual love, because this negotiation is an interweaving of reciprocal offerings and renunciations for the good of the family. In each new stage of married life you have to sit down and renegotiate agreements, so that there are no winners and losers but rather that both win. In the home, decisions are not made unilaterally, and both share responsibility for the family, but each home is unique and each marriage synthesis is different. 221. One of the causes that lead to marital breakdowns is having too high expectations about married life. When reality is discovered, more limited and challenging than what had been dreamed, the solution is not to think quickly and irresponsibly about separation, but to assume marriage as a path of maturation, where each of the spouses is an instrument of God to make the other grow. Change, growth, and the development of the good potential that each person carries within themselves is possible. Each marriage is a «salvation story», and this means that we start from a fragility that, thanks to the gift of God and a creative and generous response, gives way to an increasingly solid and precious reality. Perhaps the greatest mission of a man and a woman in love is that, to make each other more of a man or more of a woman. To grow is to help others mold into their own identity. That’s why love is artisanal. When one reads the Bible passage about the creation of man and woman, one sees that God first shapes the man (cf. Gen 2:7), then he realizes that something essential is missing and shapes the woman, and then he hears the man’s surprise: «Ah, now yes, this one!» And then, one seems to hear that beautiful dialogue where the man and the woman discover each other. Because even in difficult moments the other surprises again and new doors open for reunion, as if it were the first time; and in each new stage they “reflect” each other again. love makes one Wait for the other and exercise that patience typical of the craftsman that was inherited from God. 222. Accompaniment should encourage spouses to be generous in the communication of life. «In accordance with the personal and humanly complete character of conjugal love, the appropriate path for family planning presupposes a consensual dialogue between the spouses, respect for time and consideration of the dignity of each of the members of the couple. In this sense, it is necessary to rediscover the message of the Encyclical Humanae Vitae (cf. 10-14) and the Apostolic Exhortation Familiaris consortio (cf. 14; 28-35) to counteract a mentality that is often hostile to life […] The responsible choice of parenthood presupposes the formation of conscience which is “the most secret nucleus and the sanctuary of man, in which he feels alone with God, whose voice resonates in the most intimate enclosure of that” (Gaudium et spes,16). To the extent that spouses try to listen more in their conscience to God and His commandments (cf. Rom 2:15), and to be accompanied spiritually, the more their decision will be intimately free of subjective discretion and accommodation to the ways of behaving in their environment»[248]. What was clearly stated at the Second Vatican Council still stands: «They will fulfill their task […] by common agreement and with a common effort, they will form a correct judgment, taking into account not only their own good, but also the good of their children, whether born or future, discerning the conditions of the times and the state of life, both material and spiritual, and, finally, taking into account the good of the family community, temporal society and the Church itself. Ultimately, it is the spouses themselves who must form this judgment before God”[249]. On the other hand, «the use of methods based on the “natural rhythms of fertility” must be promoted (Humanae vitae, 11). It should also be noted that “these methods respect the body of the spouses, foster affection between them and favor the education of authentic freedom” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2370), always insisting that children are a wonderful gift from God, a joy for parents and for the Church. Through them the Lord renews the world»[250]. Some resources 223. The Synod Fathers have indicated that “the first years of marriage are a vital and delicate period during which spouses grow in awareness of the challenges and meaning of marriage. Hence the demand for pastoral accompaniment that continues after the celebration of the sacrament (cf. Familiaris consortio, 3rd part). The presence of experienced husbands is of great importance in this pastoral care. The parish is considered the place where expert spouses can offer their availability to help the youngest, with the eventual support of associations, ecclesial movements and new communities. Husbands must be encouraged to fundamental attitude of welcoming the great gift of children. It is necessary to highlight the importance of family spirituality, prayer and participation in the Sunday Eucharist, and encourage spouses to meet regularly so that spiritual life and solidarity grow in the concrete demands of life. Liturgies, devotional practices and Eucharists celebrated for families, especially on the anniversary of marriage, were cited as vital occasions to promote evangelization through the family»[251]. 224. This path is a matter of time. Love needs available and free time, which puts other things in second place. It takes time to talk, to hug each other without haste, to share projects, to listen to each other, to look at each other, to value each other, to strengthen the relationship. Sometimes the problem is the frenetic pace of society, or the times imposed by work commitments. Other times, the problem is that the time spent together is not quality. We only share a physical space but without paying attention to each other. Pastoral workers and marriage groups should help young or fragile couples learn to find themselves in these moments, to stop in front of each other, and even to share moments of silence that force them to experience the presence of their spouse. 225. Couples who have a good learning experience in this sense can provide the practical resources that have been useful to them: scheduling moments to be together for free, recreation times with their children, various ways to celebrate important things, spaces for shared spirituality. But they can also teach resources that help fill those moments with content and meaning, to learn to communicate better. This is extremely important when the novelty of the courtship has worn off. Because, when you don’t know what to do with the time shared, one or the other of the spouses will end up taking refuge in technology, inventing other commitments, looking for other arms, or escaping from an uncomfortable intimacy. 226. Young married couples must also be encouraged to create their own routine, which provides a healthy feeling of stability and security, and which is built with a series of shared daily rituals. It is good to always give each other a kiss in the morning, bless each other every night, wait for each other and receive them when they arrive, have some outings together, share household chores. But at the same time it is good to break the routine with the party, not lose the ability to celebrate with family, to be happy and to celebrate beautiful experiences. They need to be surprised together by the gifts of God and feed together the enthusiasm for living. When you know how to celebrate, this ability renews the energy of love, frees it from monotony, and fills the daily routine with color and hope. 227. We pastors must encourage families to grow in faith. To do this, it is good to encourage frequent confession, spiritual direction, and attendance at retreats. But we must not stop inviting people to create weekly spaces for family prayer, because «the family that prays together stays together.» In turn, when we visit homes, we should call all family members to a moment to pray for each other and to place the family in the hands of the Lord. At the same time, it is advisable to encourage each of the spouses to have moments of prayer in solitude before God, because each one has his or her secret crosses. Why not tell God what disturbs your heart, or ask Him for the strength to heal your own wounds, and implore the light that is needed to be able to maintain your own commitment? The Synod Fathers also stressed that “the Word of God is a source of life and spirituality for the family. All family pastoral care must allow itself to be modeled internally and form the members of the domestic church through the prayerful and ecclesial reading of the Holy Scripture. The Word of God is not only good news for people’s private lives, but also a criterion of judgment and a light for discernment of the various challenges that spouses and families must face»[252]. 228. It is possible that one of the two spouses is not baptized, or does not want to live the commitments of faith. In that case, the other’s desire to live and grow as a Christian makes May the indifference of that spouse be experienced with pain. However, it is possible to find some common values that can be shared and enthusiastically cultivated. In any case, loving the unbelieving spouse, giving him happiness, alleviating his sufferings and sharing life with him is a true path of sanctification. On the other hand, love is a gift from God, and wherever it is poured out it makes its transforming force felt, in sometimes mysterious ways, to the point that «the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the believing husband» (1 Cor 7:14). 229. Parishes, movements, schools and other institutions of the Church can deploy various mediations to care for and revive families. For example, through resources such as: meetings of married couples or friends, brief retreats for married couples, talks by specialists on very specific problems of family life, marriage counseling centers, missionary agents aimed at talking with married couples about their difficulties and desires, consultations on different family situations (addictions, infidelity, family violence), spirituality spaces, training workshops for parents with problematic children, family assemblies. The parish secretariat should have the possibility of cordially welcoming and attending to family emergencies, or of easily referring them to those who can help them. Also There is pastoral support that is given in marriage groups, whether of service or mission, prayer, formation, or mutual support. These groups provide the opportunity to give, to experience the family’s openness to others, to share faith, but at the same time they are a means to strengthen marriage and make it grow. 230. It is true that many couples disappear from the Christian community after marriage, but many times we waste some occasions when they are present again, where we could re-present to them in an attractive way the ideal of Christian marriage and bring them closer to spaces of accompaniment: I am referring, for example, to the baptism of a child, to the first communion, or when they participate in a funeral or the wedding of a relative or friend. Almost all marriages reappear on those occasions, which could be better used. Another approach is the blessing of homes or the visit of an image of the Virgin, which provide the opportunity to develop a pastoral dialogue about the family situation. It may also be useful to assign older couples the task of accompanying newer couples in their own neighborhood, to visit them, accompany them in their beginnings and propose a path of growth. With the current pace of life, most couples will not be willing to meet frequently, and we cannot reduce ourselves to a pastoral care of small elites. Today, family pastoral care must be fundamentally missionary, outgoing, close, instead of being reduced to being a factory of courses that few attend. Illuminate crises, anguish and difficulties 231. A word to those who in love have already aged the new wine of courtship. When the wine is aged with this experience of the road, the fidelity of the small moments of life appears and flourishes in all its fullness. It is the fidelity of waiting and patience. That fidelity, full of sacrifices and joys, seems to flourish at the age when everything becomes stale and eyes become bright when contemplating their children’s children. That’s how it was from the beginning, but that has already become conscious, established, matured in the daily surprise of rediscovery day after day, year after year. As Saint John of the Cross taught, «old lovers are those already trained and tested.» They «no longer have those sensitive boils nor those furies and fires boiling on the outside, but rather they taste the softness of the wine of love already well cooked in its substance […] settled there inside in the soul»[253]. This means having been able to overcome crises and times of anguish together, without escaping from challenges or hiding difficulties. The challenge of crises 232. The history of a family is marked by crises of all kinds, which are also part of its dramatic beauty. We must help them discover that a crisis that is overcome does not lead to a relationship with less intensity but rather to improve, establish and mature the wine of union. We do not live together to be less and less happy, but to learn to be happy in a new way, based on the possibilities that a new stage opens up. Each crisis implies learning that allows us to increase the intensity of shared life, or at least find a new meaning to the marital experience. In no way should we resign ourselves to a downward curve, to inevitable deterioration, to bearable mediocrity. On the contrary, when marriage is assumed as a task, which also involves overcoming obstacles, each crisis is perceived as the opportunity to drink the best wine together. It is good to accompany spouses so that they can accept the crises that arise, take the gauntlet and make a place for them in family life. Experienced and trained couples must be willing to accompany others in this discovery, so that crises do not scare them or lead them to make hasty decisions. Every crisis hides good news that you have to know how to listen to by tuning your heart’s ears. 233. The immediate reaction is to resist the challenge of a crisis, to become defensive because you feel that it is beyond your control, because it shows the insufficiency of your own way of living, and that makes you uncomfortable. Then the resource of denying the problems is used, hiding them, relativizing their importance, betting only on the passage of time. But that delays the solution and leads to consuming a lot of energy in useless concealment. which will complicate things even more. The ties deteriorate and an isolation that damages intimacy is consolidated. In a crisis that is not assumed, what is most damaged is communication. In this way, little by little, someone who was «the person I love» becomes «the one who always accompanies me in life», then only «the father or mother of my children», and, in the end, «a stranger.» 234. To face a crisis you need to be present. It is difficult, because sometimes people isolate themselves so as not to express what they feel, they corner themselves in petty and deceitful silence. In these moments it is necessary to create spaces to communicate heart to heart. The problem is that it becomes more difficult to communicate like this in a moment of crisis if you never learned how to do it. It is an art that is learned in calm times, to put it into practice in hard times. We must help to discover the most hidden causes in the hearts of spouses, and to face them like a birth that will pass and leave a new treasure. But the responses to the consultations made highlight that in difficult or critical situations the majority does not resort to pastoral accompaniment, since they do not feel it is comprehensive, close, realistic, incarnated. Therefore, let us now try to approach marital crises with a view that does not ignore their burden of pain and anguish. 235. There are common crises that tend to occur in all marriages, such as the crisis of the beginning, when you have to learn to reconcile differences and let go of parents; or the crisis of the arrival of the child, with its new emotional challenges; the crisis of parenting, which changes the habits of marriage; the crisis of the child’s adolescence, which demands a lot of energy, destabilizes the parents and sometimes pits them against each other; the “empty nest” crisis, which forces the couple to look at themselves again; the crisis that originates in the old age of the spouses’ parents, who demand more presence, care and difficult decisions. They are demanding situations that cause fear, feelings of guilt, depression or fatigue that can seriously affect the union. 236. Added to these are the personal crises that affect the couple, related to economic, work, emotional, social, and spiritual difficulties. And unexpected circumstances are added that can alter family life, and that require a path of forgiveness and reconciliation. At the same time as trying to take the step of forgiveness, each one has to ask themselves with serene humility if they have not created the conditions to expose the other to making certain mistakes. Some families succumb when spouses blame each other, but «experience shows that, with adequate help and the reconciling action of grace, a large percentage of marital crises are successfully overcome. Knowing how to forgive and feel forgiven is a fundamental experience in family life”[254]. «He difficult art of reconciliation, which requires the support of grace, needs the generous collaboration of family and friends, and sometimes even external and professional help»[255]. 237. It has become common that, when one feels that they are not receiving what they want, or that what they dreamed of is not coming true, that seems to be enough to end a marriage. This way there will be no marriage that lasts. Sometimes, to decide that everything is over, a dissatisfaction, an absence at a time when the other was needed, a wounded pride or a diffuse fear is enough. There are situations typical of inevitable human fragility, to which too great an emotional charge is given. For example, the feeling of not being completely reciprocated, jealousy, the differences that arise between the two, the attractiveness that other people arouse, the new interests that tend to take over the heart, the physical changes of the spouse, and so many other things that, more than attacks against love, are opportunities that invite you to recreate it once again. 238. In these circumstances, some have the necessary maturity to once again choose the other as a traveling companion, beyond the limits of the relationship, and realistically accept that they cannot satisfy all their cherished dreams. They avoid considering themselves the only martyrs, they value the small or limited possibilities that family life gives them and they are committed to strengthening the bond in a construction that will take time and effort. Because deep down They recognize that each crisis is like a new «yes» that makes it possible for love to be reborn strengthened, transfigured, matured, illuminated. Starting from a crisis, one has the courage to look for the deep roots of what is happening, to renegotiate basic agreements, to find a new balance and to walk a new stage together. With this attitude of constant openness, many difficult situations can be faced. In any case, recognizing that reconciliation is possible, today we discover that “a ministry dedicated to those whose marital relationship has broken down seems particularly urgent”[256]. Old wounds 239. It is understandable that there are many crises in families when one of its members has not matured in their way of relating, because they have not healed wounds from some stage of their life. One’s own childhood or adolescence poorly lived is a breeding ground for personal crises that end up affecting the marriage. If everyone were people who have matured normally, crises would be less frequent or less painful. But the fact is that sometimes people need to make delayed maturation at age forty that should have been achieved by the end of adolescence. Sometimes one loves with an egocentric love typical of a child, set in a stage where reality is distorted and one lives the whim that everything revolves around one’s own self. It is an insatiable love, that screams or cries when it doesn’t have what it wants. Other times loves with a love fixed in an adolescent stage, marked by confrontation, acid criticism, the habit of blaming others, the logic of feeling and fantasy, where others must fill their own voids or follow their own whims. 240. Many end their childhood without ever having felt that they are loved unconditionally, and that hurts their ability to trust and give themselves. A poorly lived relationship with one’s parents and siblings, which has never been healed, reappears and damages marital life. Then you have to do a liberation process that has never been faced before. When the relationship between spouses is not working well, before making important decisions it is advisable to make sure that each one has taken this path of healing their own history. This requires recognizing the need to heal, insistently asking for the grace to forgive and forgive oneself, accepting help, seeking positive motivations and trying again and again. Each person has to be very honest with themselves to recognize that their way of living love has these immaturities. Even though it may seem obvious that the other person is entirely to blame, it is never possible to overcome a crisis by expecting only the other person to change. You also have to ask yourself about the things that you could mature or heal yourself to help overcome the conflict. Accompaniment after breakups and divorces 241. In some cases, valuing one’s own dignity and the good of one’s children requires setting a firm limit to the excessive pretensions of the other, to great injustice, to violence or to a lack of respect that has become chronic. It must be recognized that «there are cases where separation is inevitable. Sometimes it can even become morally necessary, when precisely it is a question of protecting the weaker spouse, or the young children, from the most serious wounds caused by arrogance and violence, discouragement and exploitation, alienation and indifference.»[257] But «it must be considered as an extreme remedy, after any reasonable attempt has been futile»[258]. 242. The Fathers indicated that “particular discernment is essential to pastorally accompany those who are separated, divorced, or abandoned. We must especially welcome and value the pain of those who have unjustly suffered separation, divorce or abandonment, or have been forced to break up cohabitation due to abuse by their spouse. Forgiveness for injustice suffered is not easy, but it is a path that grace makes possible. Hence the need for a pastoral care of reconciliation and mediation, through specialized listening centers that would have to be established in the dioceses»[259]. At the same time, “divorced people who have not remarried—who are often witnesses of marital fidelity—must be encouraged to find in the Eucharist the nourishment that sustains them in their state. The local community and pastors must accompany these people with care, especially when there are children or their poverty situation is serious»[260]. A family failure becomes much more traumatic and painful when there is poverty, because there are many fewer resources to reorient one’s existence. A poor person who loses the scope of family guardianship is doubly exposed to abandonment and all kinds of risks to his or her integrity. 243. For divorced people living in a new union, it is important to make them feel that they are part of the Church, that «they are not excommunicated» and are not treated as such, because they always form part of the ecclesial communion[261]. These situations «require careful discernment and accompaniment with great respect, avoiding any language and attitude that makes them feel discriminated against, and promoting their participation in the life of the community. For the Christian community, taking care of them does not imply a weakening of their faith and their testimony regarding the indissolubility of marriage; in fact, in this care they express precisely their charity. 244. On the other hand, a large number of Fathers «underlined the need to make the procedures for the recognition of cases of nullity more accessible and agile, possibly completely free of charge»[263]. The slowness of the processes irritates and tires people. My two recent documents on this matter[264] have led to a simplification of the procedures for an eventual declaration of marital annulment. through them I also wanted to «make it evident that the Bishop himself in his Church, of which he is constituted pastor and head, is for that very reason judge among the faithful entrusted to him»[265]. For this reason, «the application of these documents is a great responsibility for the diocesan Ordinaries, called to judge some cases themselves and to guarantee, in all ways, easier access for the faithful to justice. This implies the preparation of a sufficient number of personnel, made up of clergy and laity, who are dedicated as a priority to this ecclesial service. Therefore, it will be necessary to make available to separated people or couples in crisis an information, advice and mediation service, linked to family pastoral care, which may also accommodate people in view of the preliminary investigation of the marriage process (cf. Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus, art. 2-3)»[266]. 245. The Synod Fathers have also highlighted «the consequences of separation or divorce on children, in any case innocent victims of the situation»[267]. Above all the considerations that may be made, they are the first concern, which should not be overshadowed by any other interest or objective. To separated parents I beg: “Never, ever, ever take your child hostage. You have separated due to many difficulties and reasons, life has given you this test, but let the children not be the ones who carry the weight of this separation, let them not be used as hostages against the other spouse. Let them grow up hearing that their mother speaks well of their father, even if they are not together, and that their father speaks well of their mother.»[268] It is irresponsible to damage the image of the father or mother in order to monopolize the child’s affection, to take revenge or to defend oneself, because that will affect the inner life of that child and cause wounds that are difficult to heal. 246. The Church, although it understands the conflictive situations that marriages must go through, cannot help but be the voice of the most fragile, who are the children who suffer, often in silence. Today, «despite our apparently evolved sensitivity, and all our refined psychological analyses, I wonder if we have not also anesthetized ourselves with respect to the wounds of the souls of children […] Do we feel the weight of the mountain that crushes the soul of a child, in families where evil is treated and evil is done, until the bond of marital fidelity is broken?»[269]. These bad experiences do not help these children mature to be capable of definitive commitments. For this reason, Christian communities should not leave divorced parents in a new union alone. On the contrary, they must include and accompany them in their educational function. Because, «how can we recommend to these parents that they do everything possible to educate their children in the Christian life, giving them the example of a convinced and practiced faith, if we kept them away from community life, as if they were excommunicated? We must act in such a way that no other burdens are added in addition to those that the children, in these situations, already have to carry»[270]. Helping to heal the wounds of the parents and helping them spiritually is also good for the children, who need the familiar face of the Church to support them in this traumatic experience. Divorce is an evil, and the growth in the number of divorces is very worrying. Therefore, without a doubt, our most important pastoral task with respect to families is to strengthen love and help heal wounds, so that we can prevent the advancement of this drama of our time. Some complex situations 247. «The problems related to mixed marriages require specific attention. Marriages between Catholics and other baptized people “present, even in their particular appearance, numerous elements that must be valued and developed, both for their intrinsic value and for the contribution they can give to the ecumenical movement.” To this end, “a cordial collaboration must be sought between the Catholic and the non-Catholic minister, from the time of preparation to marriage and the wedding” (Familiaris consortio, 78). Regarding Eucharistic participation, it is recalled that “the decision whether or not to allow the non-Catholic bride and groom Eucharistic communion must be taken in accordance with the norms in force on the matter, both for Eastern Christians and for other Christians.” Christians, and taking into account this special situation, that is, that two baptized Christians receive the sacrament of marriage. Although the spouses of a mixed marriage have in common the sacraments of baptism and marriage, sharing the Eucharist can only be exceptional and, in any case, the established provisions must be observed» (Pontifical Council for the Promotion of Christian Unity, Directory for the application of the principles and norms on ecumenism, March 25, 1993, 159-160)»[271]. 248. «Marriages with disparity of worship constitute a privileged place of interreligious dialogue […] They entail some special difficulties, both in relation to the Christian identity of the family, and to the religious education of the children […] The number of families composed of conjugal unions with disparity of worship, increasing in the mission territories, and even in countries with a long Christian tradition, urgently requires differentiated pastoral attention depending on the various social and cultural contexts. In some countries, where freedom of religion does not exist, the Christian spouse is obligated. to change religion in order to get married, and cannot celebrate canonical marriage with disparity of worship or baptize children. Therefore, we must reaffirm the need for religious freedom to be respected for all»[272]. marriages, not just in the period leading up to the wedding. Peculiar challenges face couples and families in which one spouse is Catholic and the other is a non-believer. In these cases it is necessary to witness the capacity of the Gospel to immerse itself in these situations to make possible the education of children in the Christian faith»[273]. 249. «Situations related to access to baptism for people who are in a complex marital condition present particular difficulties. These are people who entered into a stable marriage union at a time when at least one of them did not yet know the Christian faith. Bishops are called to exercise, in these cases, pastoral discernment in accordance with their spiritual good»[274]. 250. The Church endorses the behavior of the Lord Jesus who, in unlimited love, offers himself to all people without exception[275]. With the Synod Fathers, I have taken into consideration the situation of families who live the experience of having people with homosexual tendencies within them, an experience that is not easy for either parents or their children. For this reason, we wish above all to reiterate that every person, regardless of their sexual orientation, must be respected in their dignity and welcomed with respect, trying to avoid «any sign of unfair discrimination»[276], and particularly any form of aggression and violence. As far as families are concerned, it is a question of ensuring a respectful accompaniment, so that those who manifest a homosexual tendency can have the necessary help to fully understand and carry out the will of God in their lives[277]. 251. In the course of the debate on the dignity and mission of the family, the Synod Fathers have noted that the projects to equate unions between homosexual people with marriage, «there is no basis for assimilating or establishing analogies, even remote, between homosexual unions and God’s plan for marriage and the family […] It is unacceptable that local churches suffer pressure in this matter and that international organizations condition financial aid to poor countries on the introduction of laws that institute “marriage” between people of the same sex»[278]. 252. Single-parent families frequently originate from “biological mothers or fathers who have never wanted to integrate into family life, situations of violence in which one of the parents is forced to flee with their children, the death or abandonment of the family by one of the parents, and other situations. Whatever the cause, the parent who lives with the child must find support and comfort among the families that make up the Christian community, as well as in the pastoral bodies of the parishes. In addition, these families often endure other problems, such as economic difficulties, uncertainty of precarious work, difficulty in supporting children, lack of housing»[279]. When Death Stings 253. Sometimes family life is challenged by the death of a loved one. We cannot fail to offer the light of faith to accompany families who suffer in these moments[280]. Abandoning a family when a death hurts them would be a lack of mercy, losing a pastoral opportunity, and that attitude can close the doors for any other evangelizing action. 254. I understand the anguish of someone who has lost a very loved person, a spouse with whom they have shared so many things. Jesus himself was moved and began to cry at a friend’s wake (cf. Jn 11:33.35). And how can we not understand the lament of someone who has lost a child? Because «it is as if time stopped: an abyss opens up that swallows the past and also the future […] And sometimes we even go so far as to blame God. How many people—I understand them—get angry with God”[281]. «Widowhood is a particularly difficult experience […] Some, when they have to live this experience, show that they know how to pour their energies even more fully into their children and grandchildren, and find in this experience of love a new educational mission […] To those who do not have the presence of family members to whom they can dedicate themselves and from whom they can receive affection and closeness, the Christian community must support them with particular attention and availability, above all if they are in conditions of indigence»[282]. 255. In general, mourning for the deceased can take a long time, and when a pastor wants to accompany this process, he has to adapt to the needs of each of its stages. The entire process is crossed by questions, about the causes of death, about what could have been done, about what a person experiences in the moment before death. With a sincere and patient path of prayer and inner liberation, peace returns. At some point in grief we must help those of us who have lost a loved one discover that we still have a mission to fulfill, and that it does us no good to want to prolong the suffering, as if that were a tribute. The loved one does not need our suffering nor does he find it flattering that we ruin our lives. Nor is it the best expression of love to remember and name it all the time, because it means being aware of a past that no longer exists, instead of loving that real being that is now in the afterlife. His physical presence is no longer possible, but if death is something powerful, «love is strong like death» (Song 8:6). Love has an intuition that allows it to hear without sounds and see in the invisible. That is not imagining the loved one as they were, but being able to accept them transformed, as they are now. The resurrected Jesus, when his friend Mary wanted to hug him tightly, asked her not to touch him (cf. Jn 20:17), to take her to a different encounter. 256. It comforts us to know that there is no complete destruction of those who die, and faith assures us that the Risen One will never abandon us. In this way we can prevent death from «poisoning our life, making our affections vain, making us fall into the darkest void»[283]. The Bible speaks of a God who created us out of love, and who has made us in such a way that our life does not end with death (cf. Wis 3:2-3). Saint Paul refers to an encounter with Christ immediately after death: «I wish to depart to be with Christ» (Phil 1:23). With him, after death awaits us «what God has prepared for those who love him» (1 Cor 2:9). The preface to the Liturgy of the Dead beautifully states: “Although the certainty of dying saddens us, we are consoled by the promise of future immortality. Because the life of those who believe in you, Lord, does not end, it is transformed. Because «our loved ones have not disappeared into the darkness of nothingness: hope assures us that they are in the good and strong hands of God»[284]. 257. One way to communicate with loved ones who have died is to pray for them[285]. The Bible says that «praying for the dead» is «holy and pious» (2 M 12:44-45). Praying for them «can not only help them, but also make their intercession effective on our behalf»[286]. The Apocalypse presents the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world on the way. Some saints, before dying, They comforted their loved ones by promising that they would be close to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux felt the desire to continue doing good from heaven[287]. Saint Dominic affirmed that «he would be more useful after death […] More powerful in obtaining graces»[288]. They are bonds of love[289]. because «the union of the members of the pilgrim Church with the brothers who slept in the peace of Christ is in no way interrupted […] It is reinforced with the communication of spiritual goods»[290]. 258. If we accept death we can prepare for it. The path is to grow in love for those who walk with us, until the day when «there will be no more death, nor mourning, nor crying, nor pain» (Rev 21:4). In this way, we will also prepare to reunite with loved ones who died. Just as Jesus gave the son who had died to his mother (cf. Luke 7:15), he will do the same with us. Let’s not waste energy staying years and years in the past. The better we live on this earth, the more happiness we can share with loved ones in heaven. The more we manage to mature and grow, the more beautiful things we can bring them for the heavenly banquet. Chapter Seven STRENGTHEN THE EDUCATION OF CHILDREN 259. Parents always influence the moral development of their children, for better or worse. Therefore, it is most appropriate that they accept this inevitable function and perform it in a conscious, enthusiastic, reasonable and appropriate manner. Since this function family education is so important and has become very complex, I want to dwell especially on this point. Where are the children? 260. The family cannot give up being a place of support, accompaniment, and guidance, even if it must reinvent its methods and find new resources. You need to consider what you want to expose your children to. To do this, we must not stop asking ourselves who is in charge of giving them fun and entertainment, who enters their rooms through the screens, to whom they give them to guide them in their free time. Only the moments we spend with them, speaking with simplicity and affection about important things, and the healthy possibilities we create for them to occupy their time, will allow us to avoid a harmful invasion. Vigilance is always needed. Abandonment is never healthy. Parents must guide and warn children and adolescents so that they know how to face situations where there may be risks, for example, aggression, abuse or drug addiction. 261. But obsession is not educational, and you cannot have control of all the situations that a child could go through. The principle that «time is superior to space»[291] applies here. That is, it is about generating processes rather than dominating spaces. If a parent is obsessed with knowing where their child is and controlling their every movement, they will only seek to dominate their space. In this way it will not educate him, it will not strengthen him, it will not prepare him for face the challenges. What is important above all is to generate in the child, with a lot of love, processes of maturation of freedom, training, integral growth, and cultivation of authentic autonomy. Only then will that child have within himself the elements he needs to know how to defend himself and to act with intelligence and cunning in difficult circumstances. So the big question is not where the child is physically, who he is with at the moment, but where he is in an existential sense, where he is positioned from the point of view of his convictions, his objectives, his desires, his life project. Therefore, the questions I ask parents are: «Do we try to understand “where” the children really are on their path? Where is his soul really, do we know? And, above all, do we want to know?»[292]. 262. If maturity were just the development of something already contained in the genetic code, there wouldn’t be much to do. Prudence, good judgment and good sense do not depend on merely quantitative factors of growth, but on a whole chain of elements that are synthesized within the person; to be more exact, at the center of your freedom. It is inevitable that each child surprises us with the projects that arise from that freedom, that breaks our schemes, and it is good that that happens. Education entails the task of promoting responsible freedoms, which choose at crossroads with sense and intelligence; people who understand without cuts that your life and that of your community is in your hands and that freedom is an immense gift. Ethical training of children 263. Although parents need the school to ensure basic education for their children, they can never completely delegate their moral training. The emotional and ethical development of a person requires a fundamental experience: believing that one’s parents are trustworthy. This constitutes an educational responsibility: to generate confidence in children with affection and testimony, to inspire in them loving respect. When a child no longer feels that he is valuable to his parents, even if he is imperfect, or does not perceive that they have sincere concern for him, this creates deep wounds that cause many difficulties in his maturation. That absence, that emotional abandonment, causes a more intimate pain than any eventual correction he receives for a bad action. 264. The task of parents includes an education of the will and the development of good habits and emotional inclinations in favor of good. This implies that behaviors to learn and inclinations to develop are presented as desirable. But it is always a process that goes from the imperfect to the most complete. The desire to adapt to society, or the habit of giving up immediate satisfaction to adapt to a norm and ensure a good coexistence, is already in itself an initial value that creates dispositions to later transcend towards higher values. The Moral training should always be carried out with active methods and with an educational dialogue that incorporates sensitivity and the children’s own language. Furthermore, this training must be carried out in an inductive way, so that the child can discover for himself the importance of certain values, principles and norms, instead of imposing them on him as irrefutable truths. 265. To act well, it is not enough to «judge appropriately» or know clearly what to do—even though this is a priority. Many times we are inconsistent with our own convictions, even when they are solid. No matter how much our conscience dictates a certain moral judgment to us, sometimes other things that attract us have more power, if we have not managed to ensure that the good captured by the mind takes root in us as a deep emotional inclination, as a taste for the good that outweighs other attractions, and that leads us to perceive that what we perceive as good is also good «for us» here and now. Effective ethical training involves showing the person to what extent it is in his or her own interest to do good. Today it is usually ineffective to ask for something that requires effort and sacrifice, without clearly showing the good that can be achieved with it. 266. It is necessary to develop habits. The customs acquired as children also have a positive function, helping the great internalized values to be translated into healthy and stable external behaviors. someone can have feelings sociable and a good disposition towards others, but if for a long time he has not become accustomed to the insistence of his elders to say «please», «excuse me», «thank you», his internal good disposition will not be easily translated into these expressions. The strengthening of the will and the repetition of certain actions build moral behavior, and without the conscious, free and valued repetition of certain good behaviors, said behavior cannot be fully educated. Motivations, or the attraction we feel toward a certain value, do not become a virtue without those properly motivated acts. 267. Freedom is a great thing, but we can ruin it. Moral education is a cultivation of freedom through proposals, motivations, practical applications, stimuli, rewards, examples, models, symbols, reflections, exhortations, reviews of the way of acting and dialogues that help people develop those stable inner principles that move them to spontaneously do good. Virtue is a conviction that has been transformed into an internal and stable principle of action. The virtuous life, therefore, builds freedom, strengthens and educates it, preventing the person from becoming a slave to compulsive dehumanizing and antisocial inclinations. Because human dignity itself demands that each one «act according to a conscious and free choice, that is, moved and induced personally from within»[293]. Value of the sanction as an incentive 268. Likewise, it is essential to raise awareness among children or adolescents so that they realize that bad actions have consequences. We must awaken the ability to put ourselves in the place of others and to feel pain for their suffering when they have been hurt. Some sanctions—for aggressive antisocial behavior—can partially fulfill this purpose. It is important to firmly guide the child to ask for forgiveness and repair the damage done to others. When the educational path shows its fruits in a maturation of personal freedom, the child himself will at some point begin to recognize with gratitude that it has been good for him to grow up in a family and even suffer the demands that every educational process poses. 269. Correction is a stimulus when efforts are also valued and recognized and when the child discovers that his parents keep a patient trust alive. A child corrected with love feels taken into account, perceives that he is someone, notices that his parents recognize his possibilities. This does not require that parents be immaculate, but that they know how to humbly recognize their limits and show their own efforts to be better. But one of the testimonies that children need from parents is that they not let themselves be carried away by anger. The child who commits a bad action must be corrected, but never as an enemy or as the one on whom one takes out one’s own aggression. Furthermore, an adult must recognize that some bad actions have to do with fragility and the limits of age. That is why a constantly sanctioning attitude would be harmful, which would not help to notice the different seriousness of the actions and would cause discouragement and irritation: «Fathers, do not exasperate your children» (Eph 6:4; cf. Col 3:21). 270. The fundamental thing is that discipline does not become a mutilation of desire, but rather a stimulus to always go further. How to integrate discipline with inner restlessness? How can we ensure that discipline is a constructive limit on the path that a child has to take and not a wall that annuls him or a dimension of education that makes him complex? We must know how to find a balance between two equally harmful extremes: one would be to try to build a world tailored to the wishes of the child, who grows up feeling subject to rights but not responsibilities. The other extreme would be to lead him to live without awareness of his dignity, his unique identity and his rights, tortured by duties and pending the fulfillment of other people’s wishes. Patient realism 271. Moral education implies asking a child or young person only those things that do not mean a disproportionate sacrifice, demanding only a quota of effort that does not provoke resentment or purely forced actions. The ordinary way is to propose small steps that can be understood, accepted and valued, and involve a proportionate renunciation. Otherwise, by asking too much, we achieved nothing. As soon as the person can free himself from authority, he will possibly stop doing good. 272. Ethical training sometimes arouses contempt due to experiences of abandonment, disappointment, emotional lack, or a poor image of parents. The distorted images of the figure of the father and mother, or the weaknesses of adults, are projected onto ethical values. Therefore, adolescents must be helped to practice the analogy: values are realized especially in some very exemplary people, but they are also realized imperfectly and to varying degrees. At the same time, since young people’s resistance is closely linked to bad experiences, it is necessary to help them take a path to healing that wounded inner world, so that they can take a step to understand and reconcile with human beings and with society. 273. When values are proposed, one must go slowly, advance in various ways according to the age and specific possibilities of the people, without attempting to apply rigid and immutable methodologies. The valuable contributions of psychology and educational sciences show the need for a gradual process in achieving behavioral changes, but freedom also requires channels and stimuli, because abandoning it to itself does not guarantee maturation. Concrete, real freedom is limited and conditioned. It is not a pure ability to choose the good with total spontaneity. No there is always a proper distinction between a “voluntary” act and a “free” act. Someone may want something bad with great willpower, but because of an irresistible passion or bad education. In that case, his decision is very voluntary, it does not contradict the inclination of his will, but it is not free, because it has become almost impossible for him not to choose that evil. This is what happens with a compulsive drug addict. When he wants it he does it with all his might, but he is so conditioned that at the moment he is not able to make any other decision. Therefore, your decision is voluntary, but it is not free. There is no point in “letting him choose freely,” since he cannot in fact choose, and exposing him to the drug only increases dependence. He needs the help of others and an educational path. Family life as an educational context 274. The family is the first school of human values, in which we learn the good use of freedom. There are inclinations developed in childhood, which permeate a person’s intimacy and remain throughout life as a favorable emotion towards a value or as a spontaneous rejection of certain behaviors. Many people act in a certain way all their lives because they consider valuable that way of acting that was incorporated into them from childhood, as if by osmosis: «They taught me that way»; «That’s what they instilled in me.» In the family environment you can also learn to critically discern the messages of others. various media. Unfortunately, many times some television programs or certain forms of advertising have a negative impact and weaken values received in family life. 275. In this time, when anxiety and technological rush reign, a very important task for families is to educate the ability to wait. It is not about prohibiting children from playing with electronic devices, but about finding a way to generate in them the ability to differentiate the various logics and not apply digital speed to all areas of life. Postponement is not denying the desire but deferring its satisfaction. When children or adolescents are not educated to accept that some things must wait, they become abusers, who subject everything to the satisfaction of their immediate needs and grow up with the vice of «I want and I have.» This is a great deception that does not favor freedom, but rather makes it sick. On the other hand, when you educate yourself to learn to postpone some things and to wait for the right moment, you teach yourself what it means to be master of yourself, autonomous in the face of your own impulses. Thus, when the child experiences that he can take care of himself, his self-esteem is enriched. In turn, this teaches him to respect the freedom of others. Of course, this does not mean requiring children to act like adults, but neither should their ability to grow in the maturation of freedom be underestimated. responsible. In a healthy family, this learning occurs in an ordinary way due to the demands of coexistence. 276. The family is the area of primary socialization, because it is the first place where we learn to stand in front of others, to listen, to share, to endure, to respect, to help, to live together. The educational task has to awaken the feeling of the world and society as home, it is an education to know how to «live», beyond the limits of one’s own home. In the family context, it is taught to recover neighborliness, care, and greeting. There the first fence of mortal selfishness is broken to recognize that we live alongside others, with others, who are worthy of our attention, our kindness, our affection. There is no social bond without this first daily, almost microscopic dimension: being together in the neighborhood, crossing each other at different times of the day, worrying about what affects us all, helping each other in the small everyday things. The family has to invent new ways to promote mutual recognition every day. 277. At home, consumption habits can also be reconsidered to take care of the common home together: «The family is the protagonist of an integral ecology, because it is the primary social subject, which contains within it the two basic principles of human civilization on earth: the principle of communion and the principle of fertility»[294]. Likewise, the moments difficult and harsh moments of family life can be very educational. This is what happens, for example, when an illness arrives, because «in the face of illness, difficulties arise even in the family, due to human weakness. But, in general, the time of illness makes the strength of family ties grow […] An education that leaves aside sensitivity to human illness makes the heart dry; and it makes young people “anesthetized” with respect to the suffering of others, incapable of confronting the suffering and living the experience of the limit»[295]. 278. The educational encounter between parents and children can be facilitated or harmed by increasingly sophisticated communication and distraction technologies. When used well they can be useful to connect family members despite the distance. Contacts can be frequent and help resolve difficulties[296]. But it must be clear that they do not replace or replace the need for more personal and deep dialogue that requires physical contact, or at least the voice of the other person. We know that sometimes these resources distance rather than bring closer, such as when at mealtime each person is focused on their mobile phone, or when one of the spouses falls asleep waiting for the other, who spends hours entertained with an electronic device. In the family, this must also be a reason for dialogue and agreements, which allow prioritization. to meet its members without falling into irrational prohibitions. In any case, the risks of new forms of communication for children and adolescents cannot be ignored, which sometimes make them apathetic, disconnected from the real world. This «technological autism» exposes them more easily to the manipulations of those who seek to enter their privacy with selfish interests. 279. It is also not good for parents to become omnipotent beings for their children, who can only trust them, because this prevents an adequate process of socialization and emotional maturation. To make this prolongation of parenthood effective in a broader reality, «Christian communities are called to offer their support to the educational mission of families»[297], particularly through initiation catechesis. To promote a comprehensive education we need to “rekindle the alliance between the family and the Christian community”[298]. The Synod wanted to highlight the importance of the Catholic school, which «plays a vital role in helping parents in their duty to educate their children […] Catholic schools should be encouraged in their mission to help students grow as mature adults who can see the world through the loving gaze of Jesus and understand life as a call to serve God»[299]. To do this «we must decisively affirm the freedom of the Church to teach its own doctrine and the right to object awareness on the part of educators»[300]. Yes to sexual education 280. The Second Vatican Council raised the need for «a positive and prudent sexual education» that reaches children and adolescents «as their age advances» and «taking into account the progress of psychology, pedagogy and didactics»[301]. We should ask ourselves if our educational institutions have taken up this challenge. It is difficult to think about sexual education in a time when sexuality tends to be trivialized and impoverished. It could only be understood within the framework of an education for love, for mutual donation. In this way, the language of sexuality is not sadly impoverished, but illuminated. The sexual impulse can be cultivated in a path of self-knowledge and in the development of a capacity for self-control, which can help bring to light precious capacities for joy and loving encounter. 281. Sexual education provides information, but without forgetting that children and young people have not reached full maturity. The information must arrive at the appropriate time and in a manner appropriate to the stage they live in. It is useless to saturate them with data without developing a critical sense in the face of an invasion of proposals, in the face of uncontrolled pornography and the overload of stimuli that can mutilate sexuality. Young people must be able to realize that they are bombarded by messages that do not seek their good and their maturation. It is necessary to help them recognize and look for the positive influences, while at the same time distancing themselves from everything that disfigures their ability to love. Likewise, we must accept that «the need for a new and more appropriate language arises especially at the time of introducing children and adolescents to the topic of sexuality»[302]. 282. Sexual education that promotes healthy modesty has immense value, although today some consider that it is a matter from other times. It is a natural defense of the person that protects their interiority and avoids being converted into a pure object. Without modesty, we can reduce affection and sexuality to obsessions that focus only on genitality, to morbidities that disfigure our ability to love, and to various forms of sexual violence that lead us to be treated inhumanely or to harm others. 283. Sexual education frequently focuses on the invitation to «take care of oneself», seeking «safe sex». This expression conveys a negative attitude towards the natural procreative purpose of sexuality, as if a possible child were an enemy from whom one must protect oneself. This promotes narcissistic aggression instead of welcoming. Any invitation to adolescents to play with their bodies and desires, as if they had the maturity, values, mutual commitment and objectives of marriage, is irresponsible. In this way they are happily encouraged to use another person as the object of compensatory searches for lack or great limits. Rather, it is important to teach them a path around the various expressions of love, mutual care, respectful tenderness, and communication rich in meaning. Because all of this prepares for a complete and generous gift of self that will be expressed, after a public commitment, in the delivery of the bodies. The sexual union in marriage will thus appear as a sign of a totalizing commitment, enriched by the entire previous path. 284. Young people must not be deceived into confusing planes: attraction «creates, for a moment, the illusion of ‘union’, but, without love, such union leaves strangers as separated as before»[303]. Body language requires patient learning that allows you to interpret and educate your own desires to truly surrender. When you try to deliver everything at once, it is possible that nothing will be delivered. It is one thing to understand the frailties of age or its confusions, and another to encourage adolescents to prolong the immaturity of their way of loving. But who talks about these things today? Who is capable of taking young people seriously? Who helps you seriously prepare for a great and generous love? Sexual education is taken too lightly. 285. Sexual education should also include respect and appreciation of difference, which shows each person the possibility of overcoming confinement within their own limits to open themselves to the acceptance of the other. Beyond the understandable difficulties that each one may experience, we must help to accept one’s own body as it has been created, because «a logic of mastery over one’s own body is transformed into a sometimes subtle logic of mastery over creation […] Also valuing one’s own body in its femininity or masculinity is necessary to recognize oneself in the encounter with the different. In this way it is possible to joyfully accept the specific gift of the other, the work of the creator God, and to be mutually enriched»[304]. Only by losing the fear of difference can one finally free oneself from the immanence of one’s own being and from the enchantment of oneself. Sexual education must help to accept one’s own body, so that the person does not try to «cancel the sexual difference because they no longer know how to confront it»[305]. 286. Nor can it be ignored that in the configuration of one’s way of being, feminine or masculine, not only biological or genetic factors come together, but also multiple elements that have to do with temperament, family history, culture, lived experiences, the training received, the influences of friends, family and admired people, and other specific circumstances that require an effort to adapt. It is true that we cannot separate what is masculine and feminine from the work created by God, which is prior to all our decisions and experiences, where there are biological elements that are impossible to ignore. But it is also It is true that the masculine and the feminine are not something rigid. That is why it is possible, for example, that the husband’s masculine way of being can be flexibly adapted to the wife’s work situation. Taking on household chores or some aspects of parenting does not make you less masculine nor does it mean failure, giving up, or shame. Children must be helped to accept these healthy «exchanges» normally, which do not take away any dignity from the father figure. Rigidity becomes an overacting of the masculine or feminine, and does not educate children and young people for the reciprocity embodied in the real conditions of marriage. This rigidity, in turn, can impede the development of each person’s abilities, to the point of considering it unmanly to dedicate oneself to art or dance and unfeminine to perform any driving task. This, thank God, has changed, but in some places certain inadequate conceptions continue to condition legitimate freedom and mutilate the authentic development of the concrete identity of children or their potential. Transmitting the faith 287. The education of children must be marked by a path of transmitting the faith, which is made difficult by the current lifestyle, work schedules, and the complexity of today’s world where many lead a frenetic pace in order to survive[306]. However, the home must continue to be the place where people are taught to perceive the reasons and beauty of faith, to pray and serve others. This begins at baptism, where, as Saint Augustine said, mothers who carry their children «cooperate with the holy birth»[307]. Then the path of growth of that new life begins. Faith is a gift from God, received in baptism, and is not the result of human action, but parents are God’s instruments for its maturation and development. So “it is beautiful when mothers teach their little children to send a kiss to Jesus or the Virgin. How much tenderness there is in that! At that moment the children’s hearts become a space for prayer»[308]. The transmission of faith implies that parents live the real experience of trusting in God, of seeking him, of needing him, because only in this way «one generation praises your works to the other, and tells them your exploits» (Ps 144,4) and «the father teaches his children your faithfulness» (Is 38,19). This requires that we implore God’s action in hearts, where we cannot reach. The mustard seed, such a small seed, becomes a large bush (cf. Mt 13:31-32), and thus we recognize the disproportion between the action and its effect. Then we know that we are not owners of the gift but rather its careful stewards. But our creative endeavor is an offering that allows us to collaborate with God’s initiative. For this reason, «spouses, mothers and fathers must be valued as active subjects of catechesis […] Catechesis is of great help family, as an effective method to train young parents and make them aware of their mission as evangelizers of their own family»[309]. 288. Education in faith knows how to adapt to each child, because the resources learned or the recipes sometimes do not work. Children need symbols, gestures, narratives. Adolescents often enter into a crisis with authority and rules, which is why it is advisable to stimulate their own experiences of faith and offer them luminous testimonies that stand out due to their sheer beauty. Parents who want to accompany their children’s faith are attentive to their changes, because they know that the spiritual experience is not imposed but proposed for their freedom. It is essential that children see in a concrete way that prayer is really important for their parents. That is why moments of family prayer and expressions of popular piety can have greater evangelizing force than all catechisms and all speeches. I especially want to express my gratitude to all the mothers who pray incessantly, as Saint Monica did, for children who have strayed from Christ. 289. The exercise of transmitting the faith to children, in the sense of facilitating its expression and growth, helps the family become evangelizing, and spontaneously begin to transmit it to all those who approach it and even outside the family environment. Children who grow up in missionary families often become missionaries, if parents know how to live this task in such a way that others feel close and friendly to them, so that their children grow up in that way of relating to the world, without giving up their faith and their convictions. Let us remember that Jesus himself ate and drank with sinners (cf. Mc 2:16; Mt 11:19), he could stop to talk with the Samaritan woman (cf. Jn 4:7-26), and receive Nicodemus at night (cf. Jn 3:1-21), he let his feet be anointed by a prostitute woman (cf. Luke 7:36-50), and he stopped to touch the sick (cf. Mc 1.40-45; 7.33). His apostles did the same, who did not despise others, they were not confined to small groups of select people, isolated from the lives of their people. While the authorities harassed them, they enjoyed the sympathy «of all the people» (Acts 2:47; cf. 4:21.33; 5:13). 290. «The family becomes a subject of pastoral action through the explicit proclamation of the Gospel and the legacy of multiple forms of witness, among which: solidarity with the poor, openness to the diversity of people, custody of creation, moral and material solidarity towards other families, especially towards those most in need, commitment to promoting the common good, including through the transformation of unjust social structures, starting from the territory in which the family lives, practicing the works of corporal and spiritual»[310]. This must be placed within the framework of the most precious conviction of the Christians: the love of the Father that sustains us and promotes us, manifested in the total surrender of Jesus Christ, alive among us, which makes us capable of facing together all the storms and all the stages of life. Also in the heart of each family we must make the kerygma resonate, in time and out of time, so that it illuminates the path. We should all be able to say, based on what we have experienced in our families: «We have known the love that God has for us» (1 Jn 4:16). Only from this experience will family ministry be able to ensure that families are both domestic churches and evangelizing ferment in society. Chapter Eight ACCOMPANIING, DISCERNING AND INTEGRATING FRAGILITY 291. The Synod Fathers have expressed that, although the Church understands that any rupture of the marital bond «goes against the will of God, it is also aware of the fragility of many of its children»[311 Enlightened by the gaze of Jesus Christ, it «looks with love at those who participate in its life in an incomplete way, recognizing that the grace of God also works in their lives, giving them the courage to do good, to lovingly take care of each other and be at the service of the community in which they live and work»[312]. On the other hand, this attitude is strengthened in the context of a Jubilee Year dedicated to mercy. Although it always proposes perfection and invites a fuller response to God, «the Church must accompany its most loving children with attention and care.» fragile, marked by wounded and lost love, giving them confidence and hope again, like the light of a port lighthouse or a torch carried among people to illuminate those who have lost their way or find themselves in the middle of the storm»[313]. Let us not forget that, often, the task of the Church is similar to that of a field hospital. 292. Christian marriage, a reflection of the union between Christ and his Church, is fully realized in the union between a man and a woman, who give themselves reciprocally in an exclusive love and free fidelity, belong to each other until death and open themselves to the communication of life, consecrated by the sacrament that confers upon them the grace to become a domestic church and a ferment of new life for society. Other forms of union radically contradict this ideal, but some achieve it at least partially and analogously. The Synod Fathers expressed that the Church does not stop valuing constructive elements in those situations that do not yet correspond or no longer correspond to its teaching on marriage[314]. Graduality in pastoral care 293. The Fathers have also set their sights on the particular situation of a marriage that is only civil or, despite the differences, even of a mere cohabitation in which, «when the union achieves notable stability through a public bond, it is connoted of deep affection, of responsibility for the offspring, of the ability to overcome trials, it can be seen as an opportunity for accompaniment in the evolution towards the sacrament of marriage»[315]. On the other hand, it is worrying that many young people today distrust marriage and live together, postponing the marital commitment indefinitely, while others put an end to the commitment they have made and immediately establish a new one. They, «who are part of the Church, need merciful and encouraging pastoral care»[316]. Because pastors are responsible not only for the promotion of Christian marriage, but also for «pastoral discernment of the situations of so many people who no longer live this reality,» to «enter into pastoral dialogue with them in order to highlight the elements of their lives that can lead to greater openness to the Gospel of marriage in its fullness»[317]. In pastoral discernment it is important to “identify elements that favor evangelization and human and spiritual growth”[318]. 294. «The choice of civil marriage or, in other cases, simple cohabitation, is frequently not motivated by prejudice or resistance to the sacramental union, but by cultural or contingent situations»[319]. In these situations, those signs of love that in some way reflect the love of God may be valued[320]. We know that “the number of those who, after having lived together for a long time, ask for the celebration of marriage in the Church is continually growing. Simple cohabitation is often chosen because of the general mentality contrary to institutions and definitive commitments, but also because it is expected to acquire greater existential security (job and fixed salary). In other countries, finally, de facto unions are very numerous, not only because of the rejection of the values of family and marriage, but above all because of the fact that getting married is considered a luxury, due to social conditions, so that material misery drives people to live in de facto unions»[321]. But «it is necessary to face all these situations in a constructive way, trying to transform them into opportunities on the path towards the fullness of marriage and family in the light of the Gospel. It is about welcoming them and accompanying them with patience and delicacy»[322]. This is what Jesus did with the Samaritan woman (cf. Jn 4:1-26): he spoke a word to her desire for true love, to free her from everything that darkened her life and lead her to the full joy of the Gospel. 295. Along these lines, Saint John Paul II proposed the so-called «law of gradualness» with the awareness that human beings «know, love and realize moral good according to various stages of growth»[323]. It is not a «graduality of the law», but a graduality in the prudential exercise of free acts in subjects who are not in a position to understand, value or fully practice the objective requirements of the law. Because the law is also a gift from God that shows the way, a gift for everyone without exception that can be lived. with the force of grace, although each human being «advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God and the demands of his definitive and absolute love in all personal and social life»[324]. Discernment of so-called “irregular” situations[325] 296. The Synod has referred to different situations of fragility or imperfection. In this regard, I want to remember here something that I wanted to clearly state to the entire Church so that we do not take the wrong path: «Two logics run through the entire history of the Church: marginalization and reintegration […] The path of the Church, from the Council of Jerusalem onwards, is always the path of Jesus, that of mercy and integration […] The path of the Church is to not condemn anyone forever and to spread the mercy of God to all the people who ask for it with a sincere heart […] Because charity true is always undeserved, unconditional and free»[326]. Therefore, «we must avoid judgments that do not take into account the complexity of the various situations, and we must be attentive to the way in which people live and suffer because of their condition»[327]. 297. It is about integrating everyone, each person must be helped to find his or her own way of participating in the ecclesial community, so that he or she may feel the object of «undeserved, unconditional and gratuitous» mercy. No one can be condemned forever, because that is not the logic of the Gospel. I’m not just referring to the divorced in a new union but to everyone, in whatever situation they find themselves. Obviously, if someone displays an objective sin as if it were part of the Christian ideal, or wants to impose something different from what the Church teaches, he cannot pretend to give catechism or preach, and in that sense there is something that separates him from the community (cf. Mt 18:17). You need to listen again to the announcement of the Gospel and the invitation to conversion. But even for him there may be some way to participate in the life of the community, be it in social tasks, in prayer meetings or in the way that his own initiative suggests, together with the discernment of the pastor. Regarding the way to deal with the various so-called «irregular» situations, the Synod Fathers reached a general consensus, which I maintain: «With regard to a pastoral approach aimed at people who have entered into a civil marriage, who are divorced and remarried, or who simply live together, it is up to the Church to reveal to them the divine pedagogy of grace in their lives and help them achieve the fullness of the plan that God has for them»[328], always possible with the power of the Holy Spirit. 298. Divorced people in new unions, for example, may find themselves in very different situations, which should not be cataloged or enclosed in statements that are too rigid without leaving room for adequate personal and pastoral discernment. There is the case of a second union consolidated over time, with new children, with proven fidelity, generous dedication, Christian commitment, knowledge of the irregularity of their situation and great difficulty in turning back without consciously feeling that they are falling into new guilt. The Church recognizes situations in which «when the man and the woman, for serious reasons – such as, for example, the education of children – cannot fulfill the obligation of separation»[329]. There is also the case of those who have made great efforts to save the first marriage and suffered an unjust abandonment, or that of «those who have entered into a second union with a view to raising children, and are sometimes subjectively certain in conscience that the previous marriage, irreparably destroyed, had never been valid»[330]. But another thing is a new union that comes from a recent divorce, with all the consequences of suffering and confusion that affect children and entire families, or the situation of someone who has repeatedly failed in their family commitments. It must be clear that this is not the ideal that the Gospel proposes for marriage and family. The Synod Fathers have expressed that the discernment of pastors must always be done “properly distinguishing”[331], with a look that “discerns situations well”[332]. We know that there are no «simple recipes»[333]. 299. I welcome the considerations of many Synod Fathers, who wanted to express that «the baptized who have divorced and remarried Civilly they must be more integrated into the Christian community in the various possible ways, avoiding any occasion of scandal. The logic of integration is the key to their pastoral accompaniment, so that they not only know that they belong to the Body of Christ, which is the Church, but that they can have a happy and fruitful experience. They are baptized, they are brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit pours into them gifts and charismas for the good of all. Their participation can be expressed in different ecclesial services: it is therefore necessary to discern which of the various forms of exclusion currently practiced in the liturgical, pastoral, educational and institutional spheres can be overcome. Not only do they not have to feel excommunicated, but they can live and mature as living members of the Church, feeling her as a mother who always welcomes them, cares for them with affection and encourages them on the path of life and the Gospel. This integration is also necessary for the care and Christian education of their children, who must be considered the most important”[334]. 300. If we take into account the innumerable diversity of concrete situations, such as those we mentioned before, it can be understood that a new general canonical type regulation, applicable to all cases, should not be expected from the Synod or from this Exhortation. There is only a new breath of responsible personal and pastoral discernment of particular cases, which should recognize that, since that «the degree of responsibility is not the same in all cases»[335], the consequences or effects of a norm must not necessarily always be the same[336]. Priests have the task of “accompanying interested people on the path of discernment according to the teaching of the Church and the guidelines of the Bishop. In this process it will be useful to examine one’s conscience, through moments of reflection and repentance. Divorced and remarried people should ask themselves how they behaved with their children when the marital union went into crisis; whether there were attempts at reconciliation; what the situation of the abandoned spouse is like; What consequences does the new relationship have on the rest of the family and the community of the faithful? What an example that relationship offers to young people who must prepare for marriage. Sincere reflection can strengthen confidence in God’s mercy, which is not denied to anyone»[337]. It is an itinerary of accompaniment and discernment that «guides these faithful to become aware of their situation before God. The conversation with the priest, internally, contributes to the formation of a correct judgment about what hinders the possibility of a fuller participation in the life of the Church and about the steps that can favor it and make it grow. Since in the law itself there is no graduality (cf. Familiaris consortio,34), this discernment can never dispense with the demands of truth and charity of the Gospel proposed by the Church. For this to happen, the necessary conditions of humility, reserve, love for the Church and its teaching must be guaranteed, in the sincere search for the will of God and with the desire to achieve a more perfect response to it»[338]. These attitudes are essential to avoid the serious risk of wrong messages, such as the idea that some priest can quickly grant “exceptions,” or that there are people who can obtain sacramental privileges in exchange for favors. When a responsible and discreet person, who does not intend to put his or her desires above the common good of the Church, is found with a pastor who knows how to recognize the seriousness of the matter at hand, the risk is avoided that a certain discernment may lead one to think that the Church maintains a double standard. Extenuating circumstances in pastoral discernment 301. To adequately understand why special discernment is possible and necessary in some so-called «irregular» situations, there is an issue that must always be taken into account, so that it is never thought that an attempt is made to diminish the demands of the Gospel. The Church has a solid reflection on conditioning and mitigating circumstances. Therefore, it is no longer possible to say that all those who find themselves in some so-called «irregular» situation live in a situation of mortal sin, deprived of the sanctifying grace. The limits do not only have to do with a possible ignorance of the norm. A subject, even knowing the norm well, may have great difficulty understanding «the values inherent to the norm»[339] or may be in specific conditions that do not allow him to act differently and make other decisions without new guilt. As the Synod Fathers rightly expressed, “there may be factors that limit the ability to make decisions”[340]. Saint Thomas Aquinas already recognized that someone can have grace and charity, but not be able to exercise any of the virtues well[341], so that although he possesses all the infused moral virtues, he does not clearly manifest the existence of any of them, because the external working of that virtue is difficult: «It is said that some saints do not have some virtues, insofar as they experience difficulty in their actions, even though they have the habits of all the virtues»[342]. 302. With respect to these conditions, the Catechism of the Catholic Church expresses itself forcefully: «The imputability and responsibility of an action can be diminished and even suppressed due to ignorance, inadvertence, violence, fear, habits, disordered affections and other psychic or social factors»[343]. In another paragraph he refers again to circumstances that attenuate moral responsibility, and mentions, at great length, «emotional immaturity, the strength of moral habits.» contracted, the state of anguish or other psychological or social factors»[344]. For this reason, a negative judgment about an objective situation does not imply a judgment about the imputability or guilt of the person involved[345]. In the context of these convictions, I consider very appropriate what many Synod Fathers wanted to maintain: «In certain circumstances, people find great difficulties in acting in a different way […] Pastoral discernment, even taking into account the rightly formed conscience of people, must take charge of these situations. Nor are the consequences of the acts carried out necessarily the same in all cases»[346]. 303. From the recognition of the weight of concrete conditions, we can add that the conscience of people must be better incorporated into the praxis of the Church in some situations that do not objectively fulfill our conception of marriage. Certainly, we must encourage the maturation of an enlightened conscience, formed and accompanied by the responsible and serious discernment of the pastor, and propose an increasingly greater trust in grace. But that conscience can recognize not only that a situation does not objectively respond to the general proposal of the Gospel. You can also recognize with sincerity and honesty what, for now, is the generous response that can be offered to God, and discover with some moral security that that is the delivery that God himself is demanding in the midst of the concrete complexity of the limits, although it is not yet fully the objective ideal. In any case, let us remember that this discernment is dynamic and must always remain open to new stages of growth and new decisions that allow the ideal to be realized more fully. Norms and discernment 304. It is petty to stop only to consider whether or not a person’s actions respond to a general law or norm, because that is not enough to discern and ensure full fidelity to God in the concrete existence of a human being. I strongly pray that we always remember something that Saint Thomas Aquinas teaches, and that we learn to incorporate it into pastoral discernment: «Although there is necessity in general principles, the more particular things are faced, the more indeterminacy there is […] In the realm of action, truth or practical rightness are not the same in all particular applications, but only in general principles; and in those for whom righteousness is identical in their own actions, it is not equally known by all […] The more one descends to the particular, the more the indeterminacy increases»[347]. It is true that general rules present a good that should never be neglected or neglected, but in their formulation they cannot cover absolutely all particular situations. At the same time, it must be said that, precisely for that For this reason, what is part of a practical discernment in a particular situation cannot be elevated to the category of a norm. This would not only give rise to an unbearable casuistry, but would put at risk the values that must be preserved with special care[348]. 305. Therefore, a pastor cannot feel satisfied only by applying moral laws to those who live in «irregular» situations, as if they were stones thrown at people’s lives. This is the case of closed hearts, which often hide behind the teachings of the Church «to sit in the chair of Moses and judge, sometimes with superiority and superficiality, difficult cases and wounded families»[349]. The International Theological Commission expressed itself along these same lines: «Natural law should not be presented as an already constituted set of rules that are imposed a priori on the moral subject, but rather it is a source of objective inspiration for its eminently personal decision-making process»[350]. Because of conditioning or mitigating factors, it is possible that, in the midst of an objective situation of sin—one that is not subjectively guilty or not fully guilty—one can live in the grace of God, one can love, and one can also grow in the life of grace and charity, receiving the help of the Church for this purpose[351]. Discernment should help find the possible paths of response to God and growth in middle of the limits. By believing that everything is black or white we sometimes close the path of grace and growth, and discourage paths of sanctification that give glory to God. Let us remember that «a small step, in the midst of great human limits, can be more pleasing to God than the externally correct life of someone who goes through his days without facing important difficulties»[352]. The concrete pastoral care of ministers and communities cannot fail to incorporate this reality. 306. In any circumstance, for those who have difficulties in fully living divine law, the invitation to follow the via caritatis must resonate. Fraternal charity is the first law of Christians (cf. Jn 15:12; Gal 5:14). Let us not forget the promise of the Scriptures: “Maintain intense love among yourselves, because love covers up a multitude of sins” (1 Pet 4:8); «Atone for your sins with alms, and your crimes by helping the poor» (Dan 4:24). «Water quenches the burning fire and alms forgives sins» (Si 3,30). This is also what Saint Augustine teaches: «Just as, in danger of a fire, we would run to look for water to put it out […] in the same way, if the flame of sin arises from our straw, and that is why we are disturbed, when the opportunity for a work full of mercy is offered to us, let us rejoice in it as if it were a fountain offered to us in which we can put out the fire»[353]. The logic of pastoral mercy 307. To avoid any interpretation diverted, I remember that in no way should the Church renounce proposing the full ideal of marriage, God’s project in all its greatness: «Baptized young people must be encouraged not to doubt the richness that the sacrament of marriage provides for their projects of love, with the strength of the support they receive from the grace of Christ and the possibility of participating fully in the life of the Church»[354]. Lukewarmness, any form of relativism, or excessive respect when proposing it, would be a lack of fidelity to the Gospel and also a lack of love on the part of the Church towards the young people themselves. Understanding exceptional situations never implies hiding the light of the fullest ideal or proposing less than what Jesus offers to human beings. Today, more important than a pastoral care of failures is the pastoral effort to consolidate marriages and thus prevent breakups. 308. But from our awareness of the weight of extenuating circumstances—psychological, historical and even biological—it follows that, “without diminishing the value of the evangelical ideal, we must accompany with mercy and patience the possible stages of growth of people that are being built day by day,” giving rise to “the mercy of the Lord that encourages us to do the possible good”[355]. I understand those who prefer a more rigid pastoral that does not give rise to any confusion. But I sincerely believe that Jesus Christ wants a Church attentive to the good that the Spirit pours out in the midst of fragility: a Mother who, at the same time that she clearly expresses her objective teaching, «does not renounce the possible good, even if it runs the risk of getting stained with the mud of the road»[356]. Pastors, who propose to the faithful the full ideal of the Gospel and the doctrine of the Church, must also help them to assume the logic of compassion for the fragile and to avoid persecution or judgments that are too harsh or impatient. The Gospel itself asks us not to judge or condemn (cf. Mt 7:1; Lk 6:37). Jesus «expects us to give up looking for those personal or community shelters that allow us to keep ourselves at a distance from the crux of the human storm, so that we truly accept coming into contact with the concrete existence of others and know the power of tenderness. When we do, life always becomes wonderfully complicated for us”[357]. 309. It is providential that these reflections are developed in the context of a Jubilee Year dedicated to mercy, because also in the face of the most diverse situations that affect the family, «the Church has the mission of announcing the mercy of God, the beating heart of the Gospel, which through it must reach the mind and heart of every person. The Bride of Christ makes her own the behavior of the Son of God who goes out to meet everyone, excluding none»[358]. He knows well that Jesus himself presents himself as the Shepherd of one hundred sheep, not ninety-nine. He wants them all. From This consciousness will make it possible for “the balm of mercy to reach everyone, believers and those far away, as a sign of the Kingdom of God that is already present in our midst”[359]. 310. We cannot forget that “mercy is not only the work of the Father, but it becomes the criterion to know who his true children really are. Thus, then, we are called to live by mercy, because mercy has been applied to us in the first place”[360]. It is not a romantic proposal or a weak response to the love of God, who always wants to promote people, since «mercy is the main beam that supports the life of the Church. Everything in his pastoral action should be covered by the tenderness with which he addresses believers; nothing in his proclamation and in his testimony to the world can lack mercy”[361]. It is true that sometimes “we behave as controllers of grace and not as facilitators. But the Church is not a customs office, it is the father’s house where there is a place for each one with his life on his back»[362]. 311. The teaching of moral theology should not fail to incorporate these considerations, because, while it is true that the integrity of the moral teaching of the Church must be taken care of, special care must always be taken to highlight and encourage the highest and most central values of the Gospel[363], particularly the primacy of charity as a response to the free initiative of God’s love. TO Sometimes it is very difficult for us to make room for the unconditional love of God in our pastoral work[364]. We put so many conditions on mercy that we empty it of concrete meaning and real significance, and that is the worst way to liquefy the Gospel. It is true, for example, that mercy does not exclude justice and truth, but above all we have to say that mercy is the fullness of justice and the most luminous manifestation of the truth of God. For this reason, it is always advisable to consider «inadequate any theological conception that ultimately calls into question the omnipotence of God and, especially, his mercy»[365]. 312. This gives us a framework and a climate that prevents us from developing a cold desk moral when speaking about the most delicate topics, and rather places us in the context of a pastoral discernment charged with merciful love, which is always inclined to understand, to forgive, to accompany, to wait, and above all to integrate. That is the logic that must predominate in the Church, to «realize the experience of opening the heart to those who live in the most contradictory existential peripheries»[366]. I invite the faithful who are experiencing complex situations to approach with confidence to talk with their pastors or with lay people who live dedicated to the Lord. You will not always find in them a confirmation of your own ideas or desires, but you will surely receive a light that allows you to better understand what is happening to you and you will be able to discover a path of personal maturation. And I invite pastors to listen with affection and serenity, with the sincere desire to enter into the heart of people’s drama and to understand their point of view, to help them live better and recognize their own place in the Church. Chapter Nine MARRIAGE AND FAMILY SPIRITUALITY 313. Charity takes on different nuances, depending on the state of life to which each one has been called. Several decades ago, when the Second Vatican Council referred to the apostolate of the laity, it highlighted the spirituality that springs from family life. He said that the spirituality of the laity «must assume peculiar characteristics due to the state of marriage and family»[367] and that family concerns should not be something foreign «to their spiritual lifestyle»[368]. So it is worth stopping briefly to describe some fundamental notes of this specific spirituality that develops in the dynamism of the relationships of family life. Spirituality of supernatural communion 314. We have always spoken of divine indwelling in the heart of the person who lives in grace. Today we can also say that the Trinity is present in the temple of marital communion. Just as he dwells in the praise of his people (cf. Ps 22:4), he lives intimately in the conjugal love that gives him glory. 315. The presence of the Lord dwells in the real and concrete family, with all its sufferings, struggles, joys and attempts everyday. When you live in a family, it is difficult to pretend and lie, we cannot show a mask. If love animates that authenticity, the Lord reigns there with his joy and his peace. The spirituality of family love is made of thousands of real and concrete gestures. In that variety of gifts and encounters that mature communion, God has his dwelling place. This dedication associates «both the human and the divine»[369], because it is full of the love of God. In short, marital spirituality is a spirituality of the bond inhabited by divine love. 316. A well-lived family communion is a true path of sanctification in ordinary life and of mystical growth, a means for intimate union with God. Because the fraternal and community demands of family life are an occasion to open the heart more and more, and that makes possible an ever fuller encounter with the Lord. The Word of God says that «he who hates his brother is in darkness» (1 Jn 2:11), «remains in death» (1 Jn 3:14) and «has not known God» (1 Jn 4:8). My predecessor Benedict XVI has said that «closing our eyes to our neighbor also makes us blind before God»[370], and that love is ultimately the only light that «constantly illuminates a dark world»[371]. Only «if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love has reached its fullness in us» (1 Jn 4:12). Since «the human person has an innate and structural social dimension»[372], and «the first and original expression of the social dimension of the person is marriage and the family»[373], spirituality is incarnated in family communion. Therefore, those who have deep spiritual desires should not feel that the family distances them from growth in the life of the Spirit, but rather that it is a path that the Lord uses to take them to the heights of mystical union. Together in prayer in the light of Easter 317. If the family manages to focus on Christ, he unifies and illuminates all family life. Pain and anguish are experienced in communion with the cross of the Lord, and embracing him allows us to endure the worst moments. In the bitter days of the family there is a union with the abandoned Jesus that can avoid a breakup. Families achieve little by little, «with the grace of the Holy Spirit, their holiness through married life, also participating in the mystery of the cross of Christ, which transforms difficulties and suffering into an offering of love»[374]. On the other hand, moments of joy, rest or celebration, and even sexuality, are experienced as a participation in the full life of his Resurrection. Spouses make up with various daily gestures that “theological space in which the mystical presence of the risen Lord can be experienced”[375]. 318. Family prayer is a privileged means to express and strengthen this Easter faith[376]. You can find a few minutes each day to be united before the Living Lord, tell him the things that concern him, pray for family needs, pray for someone who is going through a difficult time, ask him for help to love, thank him for life and for good things, ask the Virgin to protect with her mother’s mantle. With simple words, that moment of prayer can do a lot of good for the family. The various expressions of popular piety are a treasure of spirituality for many families. The community journey of prayer reaches its culmination by participating together in the Eucharist, especially in the midst of Sunday rest. Jesus knocks on the family’s door to share the Eucharistic meal with them (cf. Rev 3:20). There, the spouses can always reseal the paschal covenant that has united them and that reflects the Covenant that God sealed with humanity on the CROSS[377]. The Eucharist is the sacrament of the new Covenant where the redemptive action of Christ is actualized (cf. Luke 22:20). Thus the intimate ties that exist between married life and the Eucharist are noted[378]. The food of the Eucharist is strength and encouragement to live the marital alliance every day as a “domestic church”[379]. Spirituality of exclusive and free love 319. In marriage one also experiences the sense of belonging completely to only one person. Spouses take on the challenge and longing to grow old and wear out together and thus reflect God’s faithfulness. This firm decision, which marks a lifestyle, is a «inner requirement of the pact of conjugal love»[380], because «he who does not decide to love forever, it is difficult to truly love a single day»[381]. But this would have no spiritual meaning if it were only a law lived with resignation. It is a belonging of the heart, where only God sees (cf. Mt 5:28). Every morning, when you get up, you make this decision of fidelity again before God, no matter what happens throughout the day. And each one, when they go to sleep, hopes to get up to continue this adventure, trusting in the help of the Lord. Thus, each spouse is for the other a sign and instrument of the Lord’s closeness, who does not leave us alone: »I am with you always, to the end of the world» (Mt 28:20). 320. There is a point where the love of the couple reaches its greatest liberation and becomes a space of healthy autonomy: when each one discovers that the other is not theirs, but has a much more important owner, their only Lord. No one else can claim to take possession of the most personal and secret intimacy of the loved one and only he or she can occupy the center of their life. At the same time, the principle of spiritual realism means that the spouse no longer expects the other to completely satisfy his or her needs. It is necessary that the spiritual path of each person—as Dietrich Bonhoeffer rightly indicated—helps them to “become disillusioned” with the other[382], to stop expecting from that person what is only proper to the love of God. This requires an internal dispossession. The space exclusiveness that each of the spouses reserves for their solitary dealings with God, not only allows the wounds of coexistence to be healed, but also makes it possible to find the meaning of one’s own existence in the love of God. We need to invoke the action of the Spirit every day so that this interior freedom is possible. Spirituality of care, consolation and encouragement 321. «Christian spouses are mutually, for themselves, for their children and for other family members, cooperators of grace and witnesses of faith»[383]. God calls them to beget and care. For this reason, the family «has always been the closest “hospital”»[384]. Let us heal, contain and stimulate each other, and let us live it as part of our family spirituality. Life as a couple is a participation in the fruitful work of God, and each one is for the other a permanent provocation of the Spirit. The love of God is expressed «through the living and concrete words with which man and woman declare their conjugal love»[385]. Thus, the two are reflections of the divine love that consoles with the word, the look, the help, the caress, the hug. For this reason, «wanting to start a family is to dare to be part of God’s dream, it is to dare to dream with him, it is to dare to build with him, it is to dare to play with him this story of building a world where no one feels alone»[386]. 322. The entire life of the family is a merciful «shepherding.» Each one, with care, paints and writes in life from the other: «You are our letter, written on our hearts […] not with ink, but with the Spirit of the living God» (2 Cor 3:2-3). Each one is a “fisher of men” (Lk 5:10) who, in the name of Jesus, “casts nets” (cf. Lk 5:5) on others, or a farmer who works in that fresh land that is his loved ones, stimulating the best in them. Marital fertility implies promoting, because “to love a being is to expect something indefinable and unpredictable from him; and it is, at the same time, to provide him in some way with the means of responding to this expectation»[387]. This is a worship of God, because it is he who planted many good things in others waiting for us to make them grow. 323. It is a deep spiritual experience to contemplate each loved one with the eyes of God and recognize Christ in them. This calls for free availability that allows their dignity to be valued. You can be fully present before the other if you give yourself «just because», forgetting everything around you. The loved one deserves all the attention. Jesus was a model because, when someone approached to talk to him, he stopped his gaze, looked with love (cf. Mc 10:21). No one felt neglected in his presence, since his words and gestures were an expression of this question: «What do you want me to do for you?» (Mk 10:51). This is experienced in the midst of the family’s daily life. There we remember that the person who lives with us deserves everything, since he has infinite dignity for being the object of immense love of the Father. This is how tenderness emerges, capable of «awakening in the other the joy of feeling loved.» It is expressed, in particular, by addressing with exquisite attention to the limits of the other, especially when they are presented in an obvious way»[388]. 324. Under the impulse of the Spirit, the family nucleus not only welcomes life by generating it within its own bosom, but also opens up, goes out of itself to pour out its goodness to others, to care for them and seek their happiness. This openness is particularly expressed in hospitality[389], encouraged by the Word of God in a suggestive way: «do not forget hospitality: through it some, without knowing it, entertained angels» (Heb 13:2). When the family welcomes and goes out to others, especially to the poor and abandoned, it is «a symbol, testimony and participation in the motherhood of the Church»[390]. Social love, a reflection of the Trinity, is actually what unifies the spiritual meaning of the family and its mission outside of itself, because it makes present the kerygma with all its community demands. The family lives its own spirituality, being at the same time a domestic church and a vital cell to transform the world[391]. * * * 325. The words of the Master (cf. Mt 22:30) and those of Saint Paul (cf. 1 Cor 7:29-31) about marriage are inserted—not coincidentally—in the ultimate and definitive dimension of our existence, which we need to recover. In this way, couples will be able to recognize the meaning of the path they are traveling. Because, as we remember several times in this Exhortation, no family is a heavenly reality created once and for all, but requires a progressive maturation of its capacity to love. There is a constant call that comes from the full communion of the Trinity, from the precious union between Christ and his Church, from that beautiful community that is the family of Nazareth and from the spotless brotherhood that exists among the saints in heaven. But in addition, contemplating the plenitude that we have not yet achieved allows us to relativize the historical journey that we are taking as families, to stop demanding perfection from interpersonal relationships, a purity of intentions and a coherence that we can only find in the definitive Kingdom. It also prevents us from judging harshly those who live in very fragile conditions. We are all called to keep alive the tension towards a beyond ourselves and our limits, and each family must live in that constant stimulus. Let’s walk families, let’s keep walking. What we are promised is always more. Let us not despair about our limits, but let us not give up seeking the fullness of love and communion that has been promised to us. of the Gospel and small domestic churches. Holy Family of Nazareth, may there never again be episodes of violence, closure and division in families; May anyone who has been hurt or scandalized be soon consoled and healed. Holy Family of Nazareth, make everyone aware of the sacred and inviolable character of the family, of its beauty in God’s plan. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, listen, accept our plea. Amen. Given in Rome, together with Saint Peter, in the extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, on March 19, Solemnity of Saint Joseph, of the year 2016, fourth of my Pontificate. Franciscus (September 22, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, September 25, 2015, p. 12. [5] Jorge Luis Borges, «Unknown Street», in Fervor de Buenos Aires, Buenos Aires 2011, 23. [6] Homily in the Eucharist celebrated in Puebla de los Ángeles (January 28, 1979), 2: AAS 71 (1979), 184. [7] Cf. ibid. [8] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 4: AAS 74 (1982), 84. [9] Relatio synodi 2014, 5. [10] Spanish Episcopal Conference, Marriage and family (July 6, 1979), 3.16.23. [11] Final Relation 2015, 5. [12] Relatio synodi 2014, 5. [13] Final Relation 2015, 8. [14] Address to the Congress of the United States of America (September 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, September 25, 2015, p. 18. [15] Final Relatio 2015, 29. [16] Relatio synodi 2014, 10. [17] III Extraordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops, Message (October 18, 2014). [18] Relatio synodi 2014, 10. [19] Relatio final 2015, 7. [20] Ibid., 63. [21] Conference of Catholic Bishops of Korea, Towards a culture of life! (March 15, 2007). [22] Relatio synodi 2014, 6. [23] Pontifical Council for the Family, Charter of Family Rights (October 22, 1983), art. 11. [24] Cf. Final report 2015, 11-12. [25] Pontifical Council for the Family, Charter of Family Rights (October 22, 1983), Intr. [26] Ibid., 9. [27] Relatio final 2015, 14. [28] Relatio synodi 2014, 8. [29] Cf. Relatio final 2015, 78. [30] Relatio synodi 2014, 8. [31] Final report 2015, 23; cf. Message for the World Day of Migrants and Refugees 2016 (September 12, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 2, 2015, p. 22-23. [32] Ibid., 24. [33] Ibid., 21. [34] Ibid., 17. [35] Ibid., 20. [36] Cf. ibid., 15. [37] Address at the closing of the XIV Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops (October 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 30, 2015, p. 4. [38] Argentine Episcopal Conference, Sail deep into the sea (May 31, 2003), 42. [39] Conference of the Mexican Episcopate, May in Christ our peace Mexico have a dignified life (February 15, 2009), 67. [40] Final report 2015, 25. [41] Ibid., 10. [42] Catechesis (April 22, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 24, 2015, p. 12. [43] Catechesis (April 29, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 1, 2015, p. 12. [44] Relatio final 2015, 28. [45] Ibid., 8. [46] Ibid., 58. [47] Ibid., 33. [48] Relatio synodi 2014, 11. [49] Episcopal Conference of Colombia, In difficult times, new Colombians (February 13, 2003), 3. [50] Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 35: AAS 105 (2013), 1034. [51] Ibid., 164: AAS 105 (2013), 1088. [52] Ibid. [53] Ibid., 165: AAS 105 (2013), 1089. [54] Relatio synodi 2014, 12. [55] Ibid., 14. [56] Ibid., 16. [57] Final relation 2015,41. [58] Ibid., 38. [59] Relatio synodi 2014, 17. [60] Relation final 2015, 43. [61] Relatio synodi 2014, 18. [62] Ibid., 19. [63] Relatio final 2015, 38. [64] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94. [65] Relatio synodi 2014, 21. [66] Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1642. [67] Ibid. [68] Catechesis (May 6, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 8, 2015, p. 16. [69] Leo the Great, Epistula Rustico narbonensi episcopo, inquis. IV: PL 54, 1205A; cf. Incmarus of Reims, Epist. 22: PL 126, 142. [70] Cf. Pius XII, Letter enc. Mystici Corporis Christi (June 29, 1943): AAS35 (1943), 202: «Marriage enim quo coniuges sibiinvicem sunt ministri gratiae…»: [71] Cf. Code of Canon Law, cc. 1116. 1161-1165; Code of the Canons of the Eastern Churches, cc. 832. 848-852. [72] Ibid., c. 1055 § 2. [73] Relatio synodi 2014, 23. [74] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 9: AAS 74 (1982), 90. [75] Final report 2015, 47. [76] Ibid. [77] Cf. Homily at the closing Holy Mass of the VIII World Meeting of Families in Philadelphia (September 27, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 2, 2015, p. 20. [78] Final report 2015, 53-54. [79] Ibid., 51. [80] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 48. [81] Cf. Code of Canon Law, c. 1055 § 1: «Ad bonum coniugum atque ad prolis generationem et educationem ordinatum». [82] Catechism of the Church Catholic, 2360. [83] Ibid., 1654. [84] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in the world today, 48. [85] Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2366. [86] Cf. Paul VI, Letter enc. Humanae vitae (July 25, 1968), 11-12: AAS 60 (1968), 488-489. [87] Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2378. [88] Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Instruction Donum vitae (February 22, 1987), II, 8: AAS 80 (1988), 97. [89] Relatio final 2015, 63. [90] Relatio synodi 2014, 57. [91] Ibid., 58. [92] Ibid., 57. [93] Relatio final 2015, 64. [94] Relatio synodi 2014, 60. [95] Ibid., 61. [96] Code of Canon Law, c. 1136; cf. Code of Canons of the Eastern Churches, c. 627. [97] Pontifical Council for the Family, Human sexuality: truth and meaning (December 8, 1995), 23. [98] Catechesis (May 20, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 22, 2015, p. 16. [99] Cf. John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 38: AAS 74 (1982), 129. [100] Cf. Address to the Diocesan Assembly of Rome (June 14, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 19, 2015, p. 6. [101] Relatio synodi 2014, 23. [102] Final relation 2015, 52. [103] Ibid., 49-50. [104] Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1641. [105] Cf. Benedict XVI, Enc. Letter. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 2: AAS98 (2006), 218. [106] Spiritual Exercises, Contemplation to achieve love, 230. [107] Octavio Paz, The double flame, Barcelona 1993, 35. [108] Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 114, a. 2, ad 1. [109] Catechesis (May 13, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 15, 2015, p. 9. [110] Summa TheologiaeII-II, q. 27, a. 1, ad 2. [111] Ibid., II-II, q. 27, a. 1. [112] Catechesis (May 13, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 15, 2015, p. 9. [113] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 21: AAS 74 (1982), 106. [114] Sermon at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama, November 17, 1957. [115] Saint Thomas Aquinas understands love as «vis unitiva» (Summa Theologiae I, a. 20, 1, ad 3), taking up an expression by Dionisio Ps. Areopagite (De divinis nominibus, 4, 12: PG, 709). [116] Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 27, a. 2. [117] Letter enc. Casti connubii (December 31, 1930): AAS 22 (1930), 547-548. [118] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 13: AAS 74 (1982), 94. [119] Catechesis (April 2, 2014): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 4, 2014, p. 16. [120] Ibid. [121] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 9: AAS 74 (1982), 90. [122] Thomas Aquinas, Summa contra Gentiles, III, 123; cf. Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, 8, 12 (ed. Bywater, Oxford 1984), 174. [123] Letter enc. Lumen fidei (June 29, 2013), 52: AAS 105 (2013), 590. [124] De sacramento matrimonii, 1, 2: in Id., Disputationes, III, 5, 3 (ed. Giuliano, Naples 1858), 778. [125] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in the world today, 50. [126] Ibid., 49. [127] Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 31, a. 3, ad 3. [128] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in the modern world, 48. [129] Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 26, a. 3. [130] Ibid., q. 110, a. 1. [131] Confessions, 8, 3, 7: PL 32, 752. [132] Address to the Families of the world on the occasion of their pilgrimage to Rome in the Year of Faith (October 26, 2013): AAS (2013), 980. [133] Angelus (December 29, 2013): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, January 3, 2014, p. 2. [134] Address to the Families of the world on the occasion of their pilgrimage to Rome in the Year of Faith (October 26, 2013): AAS (2013), 978. [135] Summa TheologiaeII-II, q. 24, a. 7. [136] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 48. [137] Episcopal Conference of Chile, Life and the family: gifts from God for each one of us (October 21, 2014). [138] Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in the world today, 49. [139] A. Sertillanges, L’amour chrétien, Paris 1920, 174. [140] Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 24, a. 1. [141] Cf. ibid., q. 59, a. 5. [142] Enc. letter. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 3: AAS 98 (2006), 219-220. [143] Ibid., 4: AAS 98 (2006), 220. [144] Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 32, a. 7. [145] Cf. ibid., II-II, q. 153, a. 2, ad 2: « Abundantia delectationis quae est in actu venereo secundum rationem ordinato, noncontratur medio virtutis» . [146] John Paul II, Catechesis (October 22, 1980), 5: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 26, 1980, p. 3. [147] Ibid., 3. [148] Id., Catechesis (September 24, 1980), 4: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, September 28, 1980, p. 3. [149] Catechesis (November 12, 1980), 2: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, November 16, 1980, p. 3. [150] Ibid., 4. [151] Ibid., 5. [152] Ibid., 1: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, November 16, 1980, p. 3. [153] Id., Catechesis (January 16, 1980), 1: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, January 20, 1980, p. 3. [154] Josef Pieper, Über die Liebe, Munich 2014, 174-175. [155] John Paul II, Letter Enc. Evangelium vitae (March 25, 1995), 23: AAS87 (1995), 427. [156] Paul VI, Letter Enc. Humanae vitae (July 25, 1968), 13: AAS 60 (1968), 489. [157] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 49. [158] Catechesis (June 18, 1980), 5: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 22, 1980, p. 3. [159] Ibid., 6. [160] Cf. Catechesis (July 30, 1980), 1: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, August 3, 1980, p. 3. [161] Catechesis (April 8, 1981), 3: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, 12 April 1981, p. 3. [162] Catechesis (August 11, 1982), 4: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, August 15, 1982, p. 3. [163] Letter enc. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 5: AAS 98 (2006), 221. [164] Ibid., 7: AAS 98 (2006), 224. [165] Final report 2015, 22. [166] Catechesis (April 14, 1982), 1: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 18, 1982, p. 3. [167] Glossa in quatuor libros sententiarum Petri Lombardi, 4, 26, 2 (Quaracchi 1957, 446). [168] John Paul II, Catechesis (April 7, 1982), 2: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 11, 1982, p. 3. [169] Id., Catechesis (April 14, 1982), 3: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 18, 1982, p. 3. [170] Ibid. [171] Id., Letter enc. Redemptor hominis (March 4, 1979), 10: AAS 71 (1979), 274. [172] Cf. Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologiae II-II, q. 27, a. 1. [173] Pontifical Council for the Family, Family, marriage and de facto unions (July 26, 2000), 40. [174] John Paul II, Catechesis (October 31, 1984), 6: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, November 4, 1984, p. 3. [175] Benedict XVI, Letter Enc. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 8: AAS 98 (2006), 224. [176] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 14: AAS 74 (1982), 96. [177] Catechesis (February 11, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, February 13, 2015, p. 12. [178] Ibid. [179] Catechesis (April 8 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 10, 2015, p. 16. [180] Ibid. [181] Cf. Vat Ecum. Council II, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 51: «Let it be clear to all that the life of men and the task of transmitting it is not limited to this world alone and cannot be measured or understood only by it, but always looks to the eternal destiny of men.» [182] John Paul II, Letter to the Secretary General of the International Conference of the United Nations Organization on Population and Development (March 18, 1994): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 8, 1994, p. 11. [183] Id., Catechesis (March 12, 1980), 3: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 16, 1980, p. 3. [184] Ibid. [185] Speech at the Meeting with Families in Manila (January 16, 2015): AAS 107 (2015), 176. [186] Catechesis (February 11, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, February 13, 2015, p. 12. [187] Catechesis (October 14, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 16, 2015, p. 12. [188] Australian Catholic Bishops’ Conference, Letter past. Don’t Mess with Marriage (November 24, 2015), 13. [189] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 50. [190] John Paul II, Catechesis (March 12, 1980), 2: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 16, 1980, p. 3. [191] Cf. Id., Letter ap. Mulieris dignitatem (August 15, 1988), 30-31: AAS 80 (1988), 1726-1729. [192] Catechesis (January 7, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, January 9, 2015, p. 16. [193] Ibid. [194] Catechesis (January 28, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, January 30, 2015, p. 16. [195] Ibid. [196] Cf. Final Report 2015, 28. [197] Catechesis (February 4, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, February 6, 2015, p. 16. [198] Ibid. [199] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 50. [200] V General Conference of the Latin American and Caribbean Episcopate, Document of Aparecida (June 29, 2007), 457. [201] Final report 2015, 65. [202] Ibid. [203] Speech at the Meeting with Families in Manila (January 16, 2015): AAS 107 (2015), 178. [204] Mario Benedetti, «I love you», in Poems of others, Buenos Aires 1993, 316. [205] Cf. Catechesis (September 16, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, September 18, 2015, p. 6. [206] Catechesis (October 7, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 9, 2015, p. 2. [207] Benedict XVI, Letter Enc. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 14: AAS 98 (2006), 228. [208] Cf. Final relation 2015, 11. [209] Catechesis (March 18, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 20, 2015, p. 12. [210] Catechesis (February 11, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in language Spanish, February 13, 2015, p. 12. [211] Cf. Final report 2015, 17-18. [212] Catechesis (March 4, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 6, 2015, p. 12. [213] Catechesis (March 11, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 13, 2015, p.16. [214] Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 27: AAS 74 (1982), 113. [215]John Paul II, Address to the participants in the «International Forum on the Third Age» (September 5, 1980), 5: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 19, 1980, p. 16. [216] Final Report 2015, 18. [217] Catechesis (March 4, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, March 6, 2015, p. 12. [218] Ibid. [219] Speech at the Meeting with the Elders (September 28, 2014): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 3, 2014, p. 6. [220] Catechesis (February 18, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, February 20, 2015, p. 2. [221] Ibid. [222] Ibid. [223] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 18: AAS 74 (1982), 101. [224] Catechesis (October 7, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 9, 2015, p. 2. [225] Relatio synodi 2014, 30. [226] Ibid., 31. [227] Final relation 2015, 56. [228] Ibid., 89. [229] Relatio synodi 2014, 32. [230] Ibid., 33. [231] Ibid., 38. [232] Final report 2015, 77. [233] Ibid., 61. [234] Ibid. [235] Ibid. [236] Ibid. [237] Cf. Relatio synodi 2014, 26. [238] Ibid., 39. [239] Italian Episcopal Conference. Pastoral guidelines on preparation for marriage and family (October 22, 2012), 1. [240] Ignatius of Loyola, Spiritual Exercises, annotation 2. [241] Ibid., annotation 5. [242] John Paul II, Catechesis (June 27, 1984), 4: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, July 1, 1984, p. 3. [243] Catechesis (October 21, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 23, 2015, p. 16. [244] Episcopal Conference of Kenya, Lent Message, February 18, 2015. [245] Cf. Pius XI, Letter Enc. Casti connubii (December 31, 1930): AAS 22 (1930), 583. [246] John Paul II, Catechesis (July 4, 1984), 3.6: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, July 8, 1984, p. 3. [247] Final Report 2015, 59. [248] Ibid., 63. [249] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 50. [250] Final Relation 2015, 63. [251] Relatio synodi 2014, 40. [252] Ibid., 34. [253] Spiritual Canticle, B, 25, 11. [254] Relatio synodi 2014, 44. [255] Final Report 2015, 81. [256] Ibid., 78. [257] Catechesis (June 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 26, 2015, p. 16. [258] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 83: AAS 74 (1982), 184. [259] Relatio synodi 2014, 47. [260] Ibid., 50. [261] Cf. Catechesis (August 5, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, August 7-14, 2015, p. 2. [262] Relatio synodi 2014, 51; cf. Final Report 2015, 84. [263] Ibid., 48. [264] Cf. Motu proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (August 15, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, September 9, 2015, pp. 3-4; Motu proprio Mitis et Misericors Iesus (August 15, 2015), preamble, 3, 1: ibid., pp. 5-6. [265] Motu proprio Mitis Iudex Dominus Iesus (August 15, 2015), preamble, 3: L’Osservatore Romano, September 9, 2015, p. 3. [266] Relatio final 2015, 82. [267] Relatio synodi 2014, 47. [268] Catechesis (May 20, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 22, 2015, p. 16. [269] Catechesis (June 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 26, 2015, p. 16. [270] Catechesis (August 5, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, August 7-14, 2015, p. 2. [271] Final report 2015, 72. [272] Ibid., 73. [273] Ibid., 74. [274] Ibid., 75. [275] Cf. Bula Misericordiae vultus (April 11, 2015), 12: AAS107 (2015), 407. [276] Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2358; cf. Final Report 2015, 76. [277] Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2358. [278] Final Report 2015, 76; cf. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Considerations regarding the projects for legal recognition of unions between homosexual persons (June 3, 2003), 4. [279] Final Report 2015, 80. [280] Cf. ibid., 20. [281] Catechesis (June 17, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 19, 2015, p. 16. [282] Final Report 2015, 19. [283] Catechesis (June 17, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 19, 2015, p. 16. [284] Ibid. [285] Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 958. [286] Ibid. [287] Cf. Last Conversations: The “Yellow Notebook” of Mother Agnes (July 17, 1897): Complete Works, Burgos 1996, 826. In this regard, the testimony of the Sisters of the convent about Saint Teresa’s promise that her departure from this world would be “like a shower of roses” is significant (ibid., June 9, 991). [288] Jordan of Saxony, Libellus de principiis Ordinis preachatorum, 93: Monumenta Historica Sancti Patris Nostri Dominici, XVI, Rome 1935, p. 69. [289] Cf. Catechism of the Catholic Church, 957. [290] Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Const. dogm. Lumen gentium, on the Church, 49. [291] Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 222: AAS 105 (2013), 1111. [292] Catechesis (May 20, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 22, 2015, p. 16. [293] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in the world today, 17. [294] Catechesis (September 30, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 2, 2015, p. 2. [295] Catechesis (June 10, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 12, 2015, p. 16. [296] Cf. Final Report 2015, 67. [297] Catechesis (May 20, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, May 22, 2015, p. 16. [298] Catechesis (September 9, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, September 11, 2015, p. 14. [299] Final Report 2015, 68. [300] Ibid., 58. [301] Second Vat. Ecumenical Council, Declaration Gravissimum educationis, on the Christian education of youth, 1. [302] Final Report 2015, 56. [303] Erich Fromm, The art of Loving, New York 1956, 54. [304] Letter enc. Laudato siʼ (May 24, 2015), 155. [305] Catechesis (April 15, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 17, 2015, p. 2. [306] Cf. Final report 2015, 13-14. [307] De sancta virginitate, 7, 7: PL 40, 400. [308] Catechesis (August 26, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, August 28, 2015, p. 12. [309] Relatio final 2015, 89. [310] Ibid., 93. [311] Relatio synodi 2014, 24. [312] Ibid., 25. [313] Ibid., 28. [314] Cf. ibid., 41.43; Final Relatio 2015, 70. [315] Relatio synodi 2014, 27. [316] Ibid., 26. [317] Ibid., 41. [318] Ibid. [319] Final report 2015, 71. [320] Cf. ibid. [321] Relatio synodi 2014, 42. [322] Ibid., 43. [323] Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 34: AAS 74 (1982), 123. [324] Ibid., 9: AAS 74 (1982), 90. [325] Cf. Catechesis (June 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 26, 2015, p. 16. [326] Homily at the Eucharist celebrated with the new cardinals (February 15, 2015): AAS 107 (215), 257. [327] Final report 2015, 51. [328] Relatio synodi 2014, 25. [329] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 84: AAS 74 (1982), 186. In these situations, many, knowing and accepting the possibility of living together «as brothers» that the Church offers them, emphasize that if some expressions of intimacy are lacking «it can often jeopardize the good of fidelity and the good of offspring» (Second Vat. Ecum. Conc., Past Const. Gaudium et Spes, on the Church in today’s world, 51). [330] Ibid. [331] Relatio synodi 2014, 26. [332] Ibid., 45. [333] Benedict XVI, Dialogue with the Pope on the Feast of Testimonies. VII World Meeting of Families in Milan (June 2, 2012): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 10, 2012, p. 12. [334] Final Report 2015, 84. [335] Ibid., 51. [336] Nor in relation to sacramental discipline, since discernment can recognize that in a particular situation there is no serious fault. What I stated in another document applies there: cf. Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 44.47: AAS 105 (2013), 1038.1040. [337] Final Report 2015, 85. [338] Ibid., 86. [339] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 33: AAS 74 (1982), 121. [340] Relation final 2015, 51. [341] Cf. Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 65, a. 3, ad 2; Bad, q. 2, a. 2. [342] Ibid., ad 3. [343] N. 1735. [344] Ibid., 2352; cf. Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, Declaration Iura et bona, on euthanasia (May 5, 1980), II: AAS 72 (1980), 546. John Paul II, criticizing the category of «fundamental option», recognized that «there can undoubtedly be very complex and dark situations from a psychological perspective, which influence the subjective imputability of the sinner»: Exhort. ap. Reconciliatio et paenitentia (December 2, 1984), 17: AAS 77 (1985), 223. [345] Cf. Pontifical Council for Legislative Texts, Declaration on the admissibility of divorced and remarried persons to Holy Communion (June 24, 2000), 2. [346] Final report 2015, 85. [347] Summa Theologiae I-II, q. 94, a. 4. [348] In another text, referring to the general knowledge of the norm and the particular knowledge of practical discernment, Saint Thomas goes so far as to say that «if there is only one of the two knowledges, it is preferable that this be the knowledge of the particular reality that comes closest to acting»: Thomas Aquinas, Sententia libri Ethicorum, VI, 6 (ed. Leonina, vol. XLVII, 354). [349] Speech at the closing of the XIV Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops (October 24, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 30, 2015, p. 4. [350] In search of a universal ethics: a new look at natural law (2009), 59. [351] In certain cases, it could also be the help of the sacraments. For this reason, «I remind priests that the confessional should not be a torture room but rather the place of the Lord’s mercy»: Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 44: AAS 105 (2013), 1038. I also emphasize that the Eucharist «is not a reward for the perfect but a generous remedy and food for the weak» (ibid, 47: 1039). [352] Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 44: AAS 105 (2013), 1038-1039. [353] De catechizandis rudibus, 1, 14, 22: PL 40, 327; cf. Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 193: AAS 105 (2013), 1101. [354] Relatio synodi 2014, 26. [355] Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 44: AAS 105 (2013), 1038. [356] Ibid., 45: AAS 105 (2013), 1039. [357] Ibid., 270: AAS 105 (2013), 1128. [358] Bull Misericordiae vultus (April 11, 2015), 12: AAS 107 (2015), 407. [359] Ibid., 5: 402 [360] Ibid., 9: 405. [361] Ibid.,10: 406. [362] Exhort. ap. Evangelii gaudium (November 24, 2013), 47: AAS 105 (2013), 1040. [363] Cf. ibid., 36-37: AAS 105 (2013), 1035. [364] Perhaps out of scruples, hidden behind a great desire for fidelity to the truth, some priests demand from penitents a purpose of amendment without shadow any, with which mercy disappears beneath the search for a supposedly pure justice. For this reason, it is worth remembering the teaching of Saint John Paul II, who stated that the predictability of a new fall «does not prejudge the authenticity of the purpose»: Letter to Card. William W. Baum and the participants of the annual course on internal jurisdiction organized by the Apostolic Penitentiary (March 22, 1996), 5: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 5, 1996, p. 4 [365] International Theological Commission, The hope of salvation for children who die without baptism (April 19, 2007), 2. [366] Bull Misericordiae vultus (April 11, 2015), 15: AAS 107 (2015), 409. [367] Decr. Apostolicam actuositatem, on the apostolate of the laity, 4. [368] Ibid. [369] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. past Gaudium et spes, on the Church in today’s world, 49. [370] Letter enc. Deus caritas est (December 25, 2005), 16: AAS 98 (2006), 230. [371] Ibid., 39: AAS 98 (2006), 250. [372] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. postsin. Christifideles laici (December 30, 1988), 40: AAS 81 (1989), 468. [373] Ibid. [374] Final Report 2015, 87. [375] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Postsin. Vita consecrata (March 25, 1996), 42: AAS 88 (1996), 416. [376] Cf. Final Relation 2015, 87. [377] Cf. John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 57: AAS 74 (1982), 150. [378] Let us not forget that God’s Covenant with his people is expressed as a betrothal (cf. Ezek 16:8.60; Is 62:5; Hos 2:21-22), and the new Covenant is also presented as a marriage (cf. Rev 19:7; 21:2; Eph 5,25). [379] Second Vatican Ecumenical Council, Const. dogm. Lumen gentium, on the Church, 11. [380] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 11: AAS 74 (1982), 93. [381] Id., Homily in the Eucharist celebrated for families in Córdoba, Argentina (April 8, 1987), 4: L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, April 26, 1987, p. 21. [382] Cf. Gemeinsames Leben, Munich 1973 14, 18. [383] Second Vat. Ecumenical Council, Decree. Apostolicam actuositatem, on the apostolate of the laity, 11. [384] Catechesis (June 10, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, June 12, 2015, p. 16. [385] John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 12: AAS 74 (1982), 93. [386] Address at the Feast of Families and prayer vigil in Philadelphia (September 26, 2015): L’Osservatore Romano, ed. weekly in Spanish language, October 2, 2015, p. 16. [387] Gabriel Marcel, Homo viator: prolégomènes à une métaphysique de l’espérance, Paris 1944, 63. [388] Relation final 2015, 88. [389] Cf. John Paul II, Exhort. ap. Familiaris consortio (November 22, 1981), 44: AAS 74 (1982), 136. [390] Ibid., 49: AAS 74 (1982), 141. [391] On the social aspects of the family: cf. Pontifical Council «Justice and Peace», Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, 248-254.
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